The funniest blog I've ever seen...

[MurPHy]

I was browsing asshelmets recently, and I came upon this: www.tardblog.com


Here's a little taste of the stuff found here:

#20: The Tard Crusher:

It’s surprisingly difficult for most of my students to really injure themselves. Most of them don’t have the manual dexterity to open their crayon boxes, never the less stab themselves with giant tard pencils. The majority of injuries are caused by inanimate objects that the tards tend to fall on, the edge of a cabinet, the floor, a table leg, etc. It’s for this reason that I try to keep furniture in my room well spaced out. This tends to make things safe and wheelchair accessible.

There is one piece of furniture however, that no matter where I put it it is unsafe. I like to call this beast, “The Tard Crusher�. It is a giant, green, five-drawer filing cabinet that must be from the early 19th century. The edges are sharp, the thing weighs a ton, it always teeters and rocks as if it is about to fall, and best of all, the non-locking drawers slide open easily and slam closed even easier. Why do I have this archaic tard mutilation device you ask? Well it’s the only fucking filing cabinet the school will give me. I have to keep all my records somewhere, and despite numerous requests they simply won’t give me another filing cabinet.

Just to give you and idea of how much I hate this piece of shit. Let me tell you some of the things it has done to my students and me:

1. The first day I got it, one of the drawers slammed shut on my finger as I was putting the files in. We’re not talking about any little bruise or tiny cut either, I bleed for a good couple of minutes, before the butterfly bandage the nurse gave me even helped.

2. A while ago, Jason ran into the cabinet full speed and fell flat on his back. I don’t consider this the cabinet’s fault, as Jason is a dumb shit and that’s what he gets for running around the classroom, but then the bottom drawer slid open and clocked the poor kid in the head while he was lying on the ground in front of it. It was almost as if the drawer was consciously punishing him.

3. The class used to have a fish bowl on top of the cabinet with African claw frogs in it. One time, one of the cabinet legs bent in and the fish bowl fell on the floor. It took me most of that morning to calm down the tards.

4. A strap to one of Malcolm’s cushions got caught on the sharp edge of a partially opened drawer. Malcolm flipped out and started trying to get away as fast as his chair could carry him. The cabinet began to tip towards him, but luckily one of my aids grabbed the cabinet before it could topple onto him. The cushion from his chair was torn out, but Malcolm lived.

[Mad Max RW]

That is some really funny shit.

[MurPHy]

There's more:

From 1/22:

Tyler was sent home Thursday around noon for this: we were doing a unit on Martin Luther King Jr. He announces to the whole class that his Dad said "What is black and yellow and makes you laugh?" "A bus full of black people rolling over a cliff."

[iohkus]

but then the bottom drawer slid open and clocked the poor kid in the head while he was lying on the ground in front of it. It was almost as if the drawer was consciously punishing him.

lmao. oh man that's just great

this guy/gal needs to setup a camera in his class

[Mad Max RW]

Here's a highlight from one of the archived "guest contributor":

I laughed at this one huge fat kid because he all the sudden started smelling like shit. He had literally shit his pants, right there in the classroom. Riti hits the intercom button.



The response is some lady who says "Yes, office?"

Riti says this only "We have a code brown."

The lady says "I will send down the principal and the janitor."



I no longer was able to contain my laughter. THEY HAD A SYSTEM SET UP TO DEAL WITH THE SHITTY FAT KID! I started to laugh uncontrollably loud.

The story gets damn good http://tardblog.com/sa/1-17.htm

[MurPHy]

Yeah, that's good stuff Mad max. Here's some more:

From the mouths of babes (or tards?):

#23: Tard gets sassy:

This morning, as all the kids were unpacking their things, I notices the old new kid was just sitting there, doing nothing. I said to him, "You need to unpack your backpack." His response to me- "You need to unpack your butt."

EDIT:

This one is funny and messed up all at the same time:

#15: Brian likes movies:

Brian's parents are my age and they watch movies and let him watch too. This is all he fucking talks about--movies. Of course I think it is funny, but it has spiraled out of control to the point that I have to repeatedly tell him, "Brian, you are not on topic."



Monday he saw Goldmember. He kept saying, "Shmoke and a Pancake, Waffle and a cigar, Bong and a blintz." As he was saying this, he would extend a hand to me, as if he was offering me something. It was funny, but also disturbing.



As I was putting him on the bus on Friday he was telling me about the movie eight legged freaks and about how his mom spanks him really hard on the bottom everyday.

[airsoft guy]

- I am reading "Red Racer" to the kids. It is about a girl who tries to ruin her bike so her parents will buy her a new one. One page describes the sound as her bike goes over a cliff like this "bong, bong, bong." Ivan raised his hand and said his dad has a bong

Oh man, this is great stuff, I was laughing so hard on some of these I was getting tingly and felt like I was going to pass out, I was seeing spots. The sad part is you couldn't make this stuff up, I've known tards too, and this is the kind of stuff they do.

I was actually freinds with a tard, he just seemed like a goober until you got him pissed.

First some backround, his nickname was Chuckles because his name was Charles, but he was such a fucking dumbass that he fucked it up one day and wrote "Chuckles" instead.

One day the teacher got him pissed and he smacked a box of scissors off a desk, something that should be rather easy, he hit it as hard as he could and it fell off the desk, didn't fly off like it should have, he was a pussy.

Then one day in Junior High, I don't know why they let him back into regular school, at least he was still in the idiot class. To call them remedial would be a compliment. For some reason he got pissed at the teacher, she probably gave him a bad mark on an assignment, but he told her he was going to stab her or some such thing. The last time I saw good old Chuck, he was in handcuffs being led away by the sheriff.

[trythebill]

I was going through the supermarket around 12:00AM last night. I usually shop late at night, as there is less of a chance of bumping into anyone I know. I was going through frozen food section, when I see one of my tards on the other side of the freezer glass, mashed in between packages of frozen corn and peas. He was smiling and fogging up the window while beating on the glass and saying "Miss Hammon!" over and over.



I'm think to myself, "What a fucked up supermarket--they serve frozen tard."

ROFFLE!@

[The Gaijin]

I didn't post this site like two months ago because I thought it was OLD INTARNET NEWS. ;______;

Augusta is the badass of tard school.

[MurPHy]

I didn't post this site like two months ago because I thought it was OLD INTARNET NEWS.

Well.....It's new to me.

[Smiley]

I didn't post this site like two months ago because I thought it was OLD INTARNET NEWS. ;______;

Usually it's only the spaz and a few others who are bothered by that fact. I meet people everyday who haven't heard of Happy-Tree-Friends, and I enjoy showing them the happy gore each time.

I usually enjoy net-entertainment regardless of its age, and even though maybe a ka-zillion people have wiewed it before me, it doesn't make it any less fun in my opinion.

More links, less troll/flame comments.

[SuperH]

Exactly. Like I've mentioned before, several times I've seen movies that were made during the 1980's, and I've laughed at them. Imagine that, and here we're being told that something one or two years old can't be funny because it's ancient. MAKES PERFECT SENSE :-! lewl.

[MurPHy]

I found this joke, but didn't want to make a new thread, so I'll put it here instead.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I saw the exact same newscast, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"

EDIT:

I found another:

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

I got both of these on www.orsm.net. WARNING! Graphic material! (Porn, etc)

EDIT 2:

A blond is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!!"

There's a shitload of blond jokes here. Check 'em out. http://www.orsm.net/larfs.php

[Forty-six & Two]

Those jokes arent really very fun.

[Mandalorian FaLLouT GoD]

blonde jokes are never funnah?

[Sankis]

This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've read in awhile. Very funny.

The funniest is that Tyrell kid whos dad is the racist druggy in jail.

[Stainless]

Heh, hilarious (if a tad political incorrect)

[Slave_Master]

(if a tad political incorrect)

Who cares? With political correctness you get crappy Lifetime comedies with women sitting around saying bullshit like "Nyuck nyuck, my boyfriend came over last night AND LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP OMG!"

If you can't make fun of fat people and "special" children, who can you make fun of?

[Stainless]

Never said it wasn't funny

[Slave_Master]

I know you didn't. But again, why mention its political incorrectness?