Maxim...

Killzig · Post by **Killzig** » Sat Jan 10, 2004 11:38 pm

<strong>[ -> Review]</strong>

<a href="http://www.maximonline.com" target=_blank>Maxim Online</a> has posted their review of Fallout BOS.

<blockquote>Imagine a world teeming with ghouls, mutants, rogue computers, and mercenary scum (i.e., your office) set in a near-future, post-nuke wasteland that would make Mad Max soil his leathers, and youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve got yourself a premise for a delightful video game. Choose between mutant freak, obligatory hottie, or wizened badass, ignore the ordinary, top-down perspective, and navigate maze-like levels through nonstop action. Play consists mostly of stopping rival factions from their nefarious plans by blowing up giant rats and killer robots and collecting loot to upgrade your arsenal and armor. The deadly combination of shopping for new murder gear and completing missions of mass destruction make this game more addictive than caramel-coated OxyContin.</blockquote>

That's the whole <a href="http://www.maximonline.com/entertainmen ... _6783.html" target=_blank>review</a>. It goes without saying that the only thing Maxim is good for is... <center><br>

<img src="http://www.maximonline.com/girls/michel ... b></center>

iohkus · Post by **iohkus** » Sat Jan 10, 2004 11:50 pm

lmao maxim doing game reviews... lol

somethings not right there, and yeah, they should stick to the barbie models

Rosh · Post by **Rosh** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 12:19 am

Rumors have it that they never played the game and instead were typical of Maxim's readership and were busy jerking off to the tits on page 8 of the manual, therefore completely missed the woman on the photo shoot. Hmmm...that sounds so much like a SexyLosers strip, it must be true! :badgrin:

Nicolai · Post by **Nicolai** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 1:07 am

Hm, thats the type of reviews that I'd read, small & neat

Grimnar · Post by **Grimnar** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 2:32 am

How bout short and tight?

Canis Lupus · Post by **Canis Lupus** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 2:43 am

There's tits in the Goddamn manual?

I think Iohkus is right in saying that Maxim should stick to the models, but maybe they should get some that are attractive first. That Branch woman... Look at her face. She doesn't know what the Hell is going on.

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 4:34 am

I hate maxim, its like for people who want to whack off but are too embaressed/young to buy/download porn. Hey wait a second.....thats kinda who the game is targeted for. Hmm....

Canis Lupus · Post by **Canis Lupus** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 5:33 am

Good God. People whacking off to FOBOS?

But anyhow, there's tits in the Goddamn manual? They're not on the PIPBoy, are they?

airsoft guy · Post by **airsoft guy** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 5:40 am

No, I bet the PIPBoy is tit fucking the tits though. Little cartoon man going to town on a pixlated pair of jugs.

Serbaside · Post by **Serbaside** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 6:42 am

Ok, I just want to point out this is not a "review." I just a description of the game with a sketchy rating represented in stars. So i guess you are right, they don't know how to review games properly.

Jon Shannow · Post by **Jon Shannow** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 12:04 pm

I have read maxim and similar magazines and can say honestly that i have never seen them slate a game.
I would class these reviews as little more then ads.

Killzig · Post by **Killzig** » Sun Jan 11, 2004 4:30 pm

right you are Jon, a quick look over the reviews list will show you they don't rate anything below 3 stars.

Finch · Post by **Finch** » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:11 am

Well, this IS the crowd interplay was obviously targeting.

Saint_Proverbius · Post by **Saint_Proverbius** » Mon Jan 12, 2004 3:04 am

I just like this:

Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness

***** (five stars)

A little pixelation didn?t stop Lara Croft from becoming the hottest video game vixen since Ms. Pac-Man, so it?s a safe bet that her PlayStation 2 debut will round out her curves and make gamers giddy with postpubescent anticipation. Angel of Darkness follows an apocalyptic story line, incorporating some brand-new abilities: Unlike previous incarnations, you must interact with other characters in order to solve many of the game?s puzzles, and you?ll even be forced into the unbabelike shoes of playable character Kurtis Trent. Despite these, er, silicon enhancements, however, the basic game hasn?t changed from the ?run, jiggle, shoot? style we know and love, ensuring Lara will be every bit the guilty pleasure she?s always been.

Well, I think there's not too many people who didn't think the above game sucked - even the Tomb Raider fans.

Here's another:

Postal 2

**** (four stars)

With the world in such a sensitive place right now, the makers of the first-person shooter Postal 2 have made a concerted effort to distinguish themselves from their Grand Theft Auto peers by creating a game that?s?well, much, much more violent and offensive. Some of the gruesome lowlights: Players don gimp suits, pee on mutilated corpses, and get to turn guest character Gary Coleman into a lead-filled pastry. Though it?s sure to have Senate subcommittees soiling their Depends and declaring the end of Western civilization, jaded gamers will no doubt dig the surprisingly amusing vocal and visual gags that spice up what would otherwise be a moderately paced, story-driven shoot-em-up. So go ahead and enjoy it, for all the wrong reasons.

Here's even more fun:

The Simes Online

***** (five stars)

Own a chain of pay bathroom stalls, sell pizzas in your backyard, or charge people to peek inside your dungeon of love. It?s just a few of the ways you can earn a living in the addictive world of The Sims Online, where demented entrepreneurs and smooth operators are king. The name of the game is getting noticed in SimWorld, whether it be by selling unique services or just becoming the stud around town (no STD?s to worry about?yet.) One fair warning, however: unlike the previous Sims games, all of these citizens are controlled by actual people. In other words, you might want to double-check the genders of those two cuties before you try to score the world?s first virtual hot-tub mÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â©nage ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â trois.

Yeah, the Sims Online was so boring, even the fans of The Sims didn't buy in to it.

Here's a royal stinker:

Barbarian

**** (four stars)

What do you get when you cross a martial-arts title with the sword-and-sorcery schlock of Gauntlet? This frenetic fighting game?and some hairy, mutton-splattered samurai. As one of 10 characters?from a buckskin-clad Amazon to a giant ape-man?you battle enemies with weaponry, magic, or the nearest oxcart. Though some of the button-smashing combos are tricky to execute, the multiplayer action is solid, and the quest mode stirs in puzzle solving for antisocial savages who prefer going solo. With its manic animation and game play, you?ll discover that, as Schwarzenegger taught us in the Conan movies, the English language isn?t the only thing that?s fun to mangle.

This game was panned by even the biggest of the media whore sites, it sucked that bad.

So yeah, there's a little tilting going on.

Grey_Ghost · Post by **Grey_Ghost** » Mon Jan 12, 2004 4:27 pm

Canis Lupus wrote:There's tits in the Goddamn manual?

FOBOS has a manual?! It's 8 pages or longer!? That's shocking :shock:

Grey_Ghost

DJ SlamÃƒÂ¡k · Post by **DJ SlamÃƒÂ¡k** » Mon Jan 12, 2004 9:49 pm

Grey_Ghost wrote:
Canis Lupus wrote:There's tits in the Goddamn manual?
FOBOS has a manual?! It's 8 pages or longer!? That's shocking :shock:

Grey_Ghost

Yo quiero cuevas.

4too · Post by **4too** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 12:01 am

Thanks

Assuming these are not reviews, but improvised renditions.

A bit of style, an ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â©lan, that has it's own unique, shaggy appeal.

It looks like they had more fun writing these variations of the press kit than they would have had playing the games.

4too

Sol Invictus · Post by **Sol Invictus** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 5:03 am

Granted if you actually spoke to the reviewer in person he'd probably tell you something like "dude, that game totally sucked cock. I'm going back to playing GTA3."

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Tue Jan 13, 2004 5:42 am

Unless you paid him to say otherwise.