This is only the first chapter. I need to see if it garners any attention, be it positive or negative before I continue further.
A man wakes up in the morning and looks to the north, towards the magnificent city of Carrinds, the largest city in the Midwest, and the only city to successfully advance after the war hit America. The winds are strong that morning, and the path to Carrinds from his beaten-down house is blurred in a storm of sand, dust and debris. His sight is also dulled from a terrible headache. His every move seems to anger the storm within his skull, every step is like a giant hammer smashed against his head, and with every smash, the Hammer grows larger and strikes with greater force and speed. He realizes that he is out of bed, and standing in the doorway of his shabby home. The storm out-of-doors has not yet died down, and the sea of sand is constantly stirred by the mighty winds. He has no shoes on, and notices they lie across the room. The great pain in his skull prevents him from walking to them, so he grabs the rifle that hangs above the doorway. He recalls, although vaguely, loading it the other night. 7.62mm ammo lies in his pockets. Probably enough to last for a while, provided he doesn’t run into trouble.
The man slowly walks out the door, still looking towards the citadel to the north. His foot touches air, and he falls to the ground below. His home apparently was built on supports. Why this was done neither enters his mind or even comes close to. The pain in his head has overpowered him, and he dives into darkness.
He wakes up, with a slightly less intense headache, but a much greater fear of the world. He looks around him quickly, and notices that the storm has died, and the city is now completely visible to his north. He stands up, and sees his rifle, nearly covered by the sand. A few bullets are found near the rifle. He gets both and looks again to the north.
The walk to the city was much longer than he thought it would be, and only when he reaches the gate guards does he realize he has no shoes on. The guards speak up, and address the man in a name he does not remember. “Callson, where the hell are your shoes? Get in proper uniform, soldier!”. The man realizes that he does not remember his name. Or the city before him.
Citadel 4
I am originally from England, but I now live in central Florida. I wonder what this has to do with anything, but there you have it.
Premise-
Razor, the main character of this story was once a ranger, but felt that the organization didn't allow him enough freedom to take out raiders and criminals, so he became a bounty hunter.
The world was almost completely annihilated in nuclear fire, but in certain parts of the world humanity somehow found a way to survive. Some were luckier than others, and did not get enough rads to mutate them into some horrible beast. That doesn’t necessarily make it easier for them, as most of culture has degraded into a sub-culture. The strongest man always wins, and the smart are usually forsaken as fools. There are some dedicated to the revival of America, but few of them ever gain any ground in the world.
Razor is against the “revival” of the country, for he believes that doing so will only make things worse, and even if humanity rebuilds, war will happen again. He thinks a “rebirth” is a more fitting course of action, but not many others agree.
There exists an organization of religious zealots that believe the world should have ended, and all humanity with it. They believe that the survivors deserve the death that “God willed be done”. Far to the east of the city of Carrinds exists a shell of a city that once dominated the coast. It was called “Citadel 4”, for reasons unknown. Nuclear weapons were housed in Citadel 4, and the cult knows this. Fortunately, so does Razor, but if Razor doesn’t get to Citadel 4 first, humanity will become extinct once and for all.
Don’t know if I should bother with it, I think the premise is somewhat cliché.
Premise-
Razor, the main character of this story was once a ranger, but felt that the organization didn't allow him enough freedom to take out raiders and criminals, so he became a bounty hunter.
The world was almost completely annihilated in nuclear fire, but in certain parts of the world humanity somehow found a way to survive. Some were luckier than others, and did not get enough rads to mutate them into some horrible beast. That doesn’t necessarily make it easier for them, as most of culture has degraded into a sub-culture. The strongest man always wins, and the smart are usually forsaken as fools. There are some dedicated to the revival of America, but few of them ever gain any ground in the world.
Razor is against the “revival” of the country, for he believes that doing so will only make things worse, and even if humanity rebuilds, war will happen again. He thinks a “rebirth” is a more fitting course of action, but not many others agree.
There exists an organization of religious zealots that believe the world should have ended, and all humanity with it. They believe that the survivors deserve the death that “God willed be done”. Far to the east of the city of Carrinds exists a shell of a city that once dominated the coast. It was called “Citadel 4”, for reasons unknown. Nuclear weapons were housed in Citadel 4, and the cult knows this. Fortunately, so does Razor, but if Razor doesn’t get to Citadel 4 first, humanity will become extinct once and for all.
Don’t know if I should bother with it, I think the premise is somewhat cliché.
Endure. In enduring, grow strong.
Well, I asked where you were from because I felt that the first post you made was poorly written. I thought maybe you were from a non English speaking country and that's silmply how you translated your idea to English.
Forgive me, I know it sounds harsh, but your original post in my opinion was terrible.
Now, if you had presented your idea like you did in your second post, that would have been much different. That was much more coherent. That's what your first post should have been.
I think the idea is interesting, I would say that if you were going to make a story out of it, that you should sharpen your story telling skills first. Telling a story is not the easiest thing in the world. And remember to edit before you post.
Don't abandon it. Work with your first post and maybe rewrite it and make it more dramatic in some way. That might help sell the concept better.
Sebastian of the Wastes
Forgive me, I know it sounds harsh, but your original post in my opinion was terrible.
Now, if you had presented your idea like you did in your second post, that would have been much different. That was much more coherent. That's what your first post should have been.
I think the idea is interesting, I would say that if you were going to make a story out of it, that you should sharpen your story telling skills first. Telling a story is not the easiest thing in the world. And remember to edit before you post.
Don't abandon it. Work with your first post and maybe rewrite it and make it more dramatic in some way. That might help sell the concept better.
Sebastian of the Wastes
