50 reasons why Matrix sucks

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 3:20 am

or hes jus h8in to be kewl

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 7:02 am

I'm bored so here's a nice big post to waste your time reading.

I'm dreaming of a white... cast?
Two actors were abruptly cut from the third film's cast before production ended, both female minorities. Coincidence?
Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for Revolutions. What's wrong, guys? They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences?
Neither actress could be reached for comment.

Been covered, but yeah. Dead and dead. What the hell kind of arguement is that? That's like saying that because Hitler killed so many Jews, the post-World War II world was anti-semetic.

The aborted American dream
Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.
In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.

Damn. Check the number on every other movie produced. I don't think you'll find a "starving childrens'" budget anywhere.

Reloaded Ridiculousness
Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.

That is covered in the movie. It is not real, and as such some things that are assumed to apply, don't.

The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4
You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.
Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.

This was simply hilarious.

The Matrix: Reconsidered, 8
"If you wanna give me that juris-my-DICK-tion crap, you can kiss my ass."

What is the point here?

By their fruits ye shall know them
I had attended a showing of The Matrix in May of 1999 with a lady friend, because we are both big Morgan Freeman fans. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity.
I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character?
By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too
After the above incident, I was the one asked to leave.

OH NOE! I'm associated with millions of people I would prefer not to be each and every day. Am I the bad person because they do bad things? Or are you for being a stereotyping dipstick?
And yes, you stand up and make a scene, you go. It's easier than kicking out the rest of the theater of peoplw who are trying to watch a movie.

Grow up
The policeman in the opening scene of the first film? Look on the credits and you'll see he's billed as Lt. Geyser Shitdick.
Infantile.

As is this man's whole schpeal.

I personally loved The Matrix. It was a mindblowing tangent from the dull movies of the time. Reloaded wasn't nearly as much of a prize and I never saw Revolutions. Overall, I'll say Matrix was good, the second wasn't anything special, and the third, or so I am told, wasn't exactly quality work either. I'm not defending the movies here at all in any way shape or form, I'm just awed by this man who openly declares himself of the "intellectual elite" yet is so pathetic that he revisits movies to make fun of them and posts web pages that serve no purpose whatsoever other than to bash a FICTIOUS MOVIE. OH NOE! SI TEH NOET TRU 2 LIEF?! Jesus.

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 7:13 am

I was just amazed that he didn't get the shit beat out of him for standing up in the theater and trying to tell everyone not to watch it. Seriousily, I'm pretty sure thats enough to get atleast a mild beating. Other then that, this thing is kinda old. The best one is about the Twins and their "Disguise" though.

Doyle · Post by **Doyle** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 7:42 am

IQs on this board have either dropped sharply or you people are being way too tongue-in-cheek.

It's a travesty that I had to waste my liberty post pointing out how stupid you people are being.

trythebill · Post by **trythebill** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 8:22 am

jetbaby wrote:entire post

i really wish i was in your general area with a baseball bat right now. not in a mean way, but in a "beat some sense of humor into you" way.

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 8:45 am

trythebill wrote:i really wish i was in your general area with a baseball bat right now. not in a mean way, but in a "beat some sense of humor into you" way.

jetbaby wrote:This was simply hilarious.

He sees the evident humor in the article, but after a little consideration, I too agree with his post. This article is full of irrelevant points, such as the starving children bit, and a lot of stupid bits that are simply explained by suspension of belief. Dick getting ripped off while flying fast? Did I get angry when peter pan flew because magic is illogical? No. Same fucking point. The matrix is science fiction, and taking it any more seriously is just stupid. This guy just wrote something anti matrix because it would be considered cool. Stand up in a movie theatre? Even though he never did it, anyone who did is a complete dumbass worthy of being stoned to death, no matter how shitty the movie is. People paid to watch it, and they are at least entitled to a few hours of sitting in a chair interruption free. He claims that the matrix was bad because helicopters exploded and killed people? Or because some innocent guards were shot? Its a movie, morality of the heros has little to do with its quality as a film.

Simply put, the article is funny at points but overall doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t raise any legitimate points towards why the matrix sucks.

trythebill · Post by **trythebill** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 8:55 am

CloudNineGT wrote:Simply put, the article is funny at points but overall doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t raise any legitimate points towards why the matrix sucks.

i'm not really sure it was supposed to raise any legitimate points. if you check the other articles on the site it is fairly evident that the author is not trying to pass off any honest critiques of the subject matter.

The matrix is science fiction, and taking it any more seriously is just stupid.

that is how i took the article, it is all humor and attempting to take it any more seriously makes people look idiotic. i too like the matrix but i don't think it really needs to be defended to the point that people in this thread are trying to do.

Forty-six & Two · Post by **Forty-six & Two** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 2:32 pm

"What's that, honey?"

"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. I'm sure there's no need to question our fragile, sheltered grasp of 'reality' as we know it."

Heh. Good point there. Mostly though, these "reasons" are pure bullshit and personal ass critique. Fuck the guy who wrote that.

Mandalorian FaLLouT GoD · Mon Mar 15, 2004 2:36 pm

its all in the name of humor. silly people cant see it.

Franz Schubert · Post by **Franz Schubert** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 4:39 pm

I can't believe you assholes are getting so worked up over a simple joke. Chill out people, it's HUMOR, albeit not very good humor.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 4:52 pm

#5. There's the Matrix! Shoot it!

Great plan for defending Zion, using those mechs to try to shoot the sentinels out of the air using machine guns, a technology available since 1939. I mean, there's no reason in the world to set up EMP devices around the perimeter...

Wrong. Fully automatic firearms have been around since mid-1864-1865, with the introduction of the Gatling gun, which was, ironically enough, invented by a doctor. Kind of goes againt the Hippocratic oath, doesn't it?

This guy says some interesting stuff, but as the URL address says, it is A POINTLESS WASTE OF TIME. Good for a laugh, but nothing more.

Phias · Post by **Phias** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 8:03 pm

What got me about the Matrix is that from the beginning, the people impress upon you the fact that the machines and the humans will inevitably reach some sort of cyclopean conflict, one in which only one side can become victorious. Then they introduce the rather inane and retarded "Smith Virus Bullshit"(SVB) and completely de-rail what many millions of people once believed. To introduce such a asinine plot conflict right into the middle of the story out of nowhere left me wondering what the hell was going on.

The whole thing lost its momentum around the car chase in Reloaded.

Doyle · Post by **Doyle** » Mon Mar 15, 2004 9:10 pm

MurPHy wrote:Wrong. Fully automatic firearms have been around since mid-1864-1865, with the introduction of the Gatling gun, which was, ironically enough, invented by a doctor. Kind of goes againt the Hippocratic oath, doesn't it?

You, sir, are wrong. The Gatling gun was not an automatic weapon, it was manually fired by a hand crank. The first automatic weapon was the Maxim machinegun, which was invented in the 1880s.

it's HUMOR, albeit not very good humor.

I thought it was really funny. It's certainly funnier than anything I've read on Something Awful in the past 2 years or so.

trythebill · Post by **trythebill** » Tue Mar 16, 2004 1:16 am

Doyle wrote:I thought it was really funny. It's certainly funnier than anything I've read on Something Awful in the past 2 years or so.

who needs funny when you have stuff on german super tanks? badass if you ask me.

celluloid love · Post by **celluloid love** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 2:16 am

I think you're an idiot for reading so much into a movie. That's frightening. Perhaps you should go outside and stop playing horrible videogames.

ExtremeDrinker · Post by **ExtremeDrinker** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 3:20 am

I paid $10 at Blockbuster to buy 1, 2, Animatrix, and that "making of" flick....I've not taken them out of the shrink wrap yet, and it's been a few months. Gotta love when they can't sell the previously viewed movies for the usual $15 and bundle them all together for $10 instead.

Also..On the topic of trench coats...Not everyone you see wearing one now is a Matrix sci-fi fanatic...I've worn one since middle school, and sunglasses, too because...You know...Light hurts.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 7:14 am

Heh. Trenchcoats are the trademark of the *cough cough* "Metal Division" as well, so you can't just say all those techno wankers who just saw Matrix: Revolutions are the only ones wearing black (leather or not) trenchcoats.

Jeff · Post by **Jeff** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 7:20 am

Kashluk wrote:Heh. Trenchcoats are the trademark of the *cough cough* "Metal Division" as well, so you can't just say all those techno wankers who just saw Matrix: Revolutions are the only ones wearing black (leather or not) trenchcoats.

Ooh, so there's ANOTHER posse of leather clad dimwits! I guess that changes everything, then.

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 7:20 am

A lot of the greasy ass stoners around here are usually wearing black trenchcoats. Maybe its the matrix, or maybe the columbine kids were kewl trendsetters after all?

Kash, you wouldnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t happen to be a member of this "metal division" would you?
<img src="http://koti.mbnet.fi/pekkala/ville2.jpg">
Still, I'm not one to make fun, I have dyke hair.

ExtremeDrinker · Post by **ExtremeDrinker** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 7:25 am

Trench coats and leather are pretty much trademarks of stoner society. I was a stoner in middle school...I wore the gear...

Now I'm just a biker, and my trench coat is more comfortable than my big-ass leather jacket when I'm just wandering around and not on my cycle.

No one has ever mistook me for a Matrix wannabe..Mainly because most people assume I'm looking for a reason to kick their ass.

It's cool to be bigger than people.

Duck and Cover

50 reasons why Matrix sucks

Cliche cliche...