Stolen from ORSM AKA Teh Funneh Thread

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 12:30 pm

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

Franz Schubert · Post by **Franz Schubert** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 11:50 pm

You might as well just post the rest of them.

some random person · Post by **some random person** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 11:52 pm

funny stuff

Ernesto · Post by **Ernesto** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 8:50 am

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Hey, who wants to go ride a bike?

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 9:02 am

I'm a definate fan.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 5:49 pm

The following jokes have been taken from www.avaruusmies.com (read: spaceman-dot-com) Finnish humor site.

Osama's Afterlife Surprise
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind, "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised! A martyr death was supposed to be rewarded with seventy virgins!!!"

An angel replies, "that's 72 VIRGINIANS, asshole!"

Yay, US presidents are always cool.

U.S. Presidents on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, "Women and children first."
Nixon goes, "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"

This one's been recycled over and over, but no matter what the theme, it's still funny as *ahem* hell:

Texans in Hell
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell.
When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one.

This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like this." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves.

"Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing."

The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red. "Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let's see what happens when I turn off the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

And this one's my favorite:

Democrat and proud of it
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.
"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.

"Well, what are you then?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks.

"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."

"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"

Mary smiled, "Then we'd be Republicans."

Yeehaw.

This one I read from somewhere else, can't really remember:

Pope Mobile

The holy Pope-man of the Catholic church was cruising around Rome in his limo. Suddenly he asks his driver if he could try for a change. The driver hesitates, but because the Mr. Pope-Guy asked so nicely and is in pretty close talking connection with Jesus and shit, he finally agrees.

So pope takes the wheel and James hits the back seat. The pope drives like a maniac, stirring the whole Rome up (and you know how those macaronis drive, so it has to be *real* bad). Eventually, the limo's told to pull over by patrolling cops. The other copper goes to the driver's side window and when he sees who's driving, he immediately turns away and runs to his partner.

"I don't think we should've told that limo to pull over", he whispers.
"What do you mean?" asks the other policeman.
"Well, the guy on the backseat has got to be REALLY important. Pope's the driver!"

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 6:21 pm

Why can't you cut black people's legs off?

Because they are knee-grows!!

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 6:31 pm

It took me a bit over 9 minutes to get that joke.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¨

My english sucks tremendously.

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 6:38 pm

Oh man, I used to be full of bullshit bar jokes aside from skits and jokes from my unknown standup career. Heres one of my favorites.

Guy lives in Cleveland, lives a fairly normal life and all until one day out of the blue he hears a voice in his head, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Then one day at work, he hears the voice again, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice again.

Eventually he starts hearing the voice more and more often, every moment of every day, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He can't stand it anymore, he quits his jobs, sells his house, gathers all his money and gets on the first flight to vegas.

As soon as he lands he hears the voice again "Go to ceasars palace." He goes to ceasars palace. Voice commands, "Go to the roullete table" he goes to the roullete table. "Put all your money on red 13" he puts all his money on red 13 and it comes up black 17. Voice says "FUCK!"

Another favorite of mine (Since not everyone finds that one funny):

Old guy goes to a retirement home. Doesn't know how he's gonna like it or whatnot, but for his sons sake he decides to give it a shot.

So its is first morning there and he wakes up with a hardon. Suddenly out of nowhere the most beautiful blond nurse he's ever seen comes out and gives him a blow job and then just leaves.

Old man gets on the phone and calls his son "Son! Son! This is the best place ever!" "What happened" "I woke up this mornin and I had a hard on and this beautiful nurse came in and just blew me, she just blew me" "Oh, well thats great dad, glad to hear you love the place" and then they hang up.

Later on the old man is with his walker taking a walk and falls down some stairs. The big hillbilly orderly comes up, rips his pants off and fucks him up the ass.

The old man, left in a crumbled heap, crawls to a telephone and calls his son. "Son! Son! You gotta get me out of here!" "Why what happened pop?" "I was walkin and I fell down some stairs and the orderly came, ripped my pants off and fucked me up the ass." Son says, "well you know dad, you got a blow job this mornin, you gotta take the good with the bad." Dad says, "I don't think you understand, I get a hard on once a month, I fall down the steps 3 or 4 times a day."

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 6:55 pm

Haha, the latter one is great

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Wed Sep 01, 2004 9:56 pm

Racist jokes are funnier though.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 12:59 am

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

EWWWW!

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 1:08 am

Reminds me a story I heard about an incident that happened on Lexington campus (It's probably an urban legend, but entertaining none the less). Two college students are out hunting and drinking. They get bored and start to BS and stuff about how well they can shoot or whatever while downing beer after beer after beer. Finally one of the college students has enough of it and challenges his friend "I bet you can't shoot this beer can off my head."

Alright, let me think of another pretty good one.

A gorilla is walkin through the jungle and he suddenly comes across the watering hole. He peers in and he see's the lion drinking from the water. Suddenly the gorilla gets what could possibly be the funniest thing to ever come into his head, he quickly runs to the lion whose ass is stickin in the air, grabs him by the hips and starts fuckin him crackin up the whole time cause he just fucked the king of the jungle up the ass. After a few moments he takes off like lightning cause the lion is obviousily pissed.

"Rawr" says the lion "I'm gonna kill that Gorilla" and he starts to give chase. The Lion starts to catch up to the Gorilla so the Gorilla ducks out into a human hunter camp. He jumps into a chair, puts on a hat, a cob pipe, and a monocle, and starts reading a newspaper.

The lion comes by and asks the gorilla (not recognizing him), "Hey you see a gorilla run by this way?" "Y-y-you mean the gorilla who just fucked the king of the jungle up the ass?" "Shit, its in the newspaper already?"

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 2:10 am

What's black and dangerous?

Spazmo · Post by **Spazmo** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 2:16 am

Ninjas.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 2:41 am

Your Coal-miner father.

Jeff · Post by **Jeff** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 5:00 am

a negroid

At one day comes a man into a tavern somwhere in Ukraine.The man holds many
guns in his hands and he says:" I am Gunbill!"
Than some hours later an other man comes in the tavern and he wears many
knifes and throws all knifes around and he says :"I am Knifebill!"
Some time later comes a guy with three arms and four legs and seven eyes in
to the tavern and all people ask him:"who are you?"
and he says :"Im Tschernobill"!

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 6:26 am

Wolfman Walt wrote:Reminds me a story I heard about an incident that happened on Lexington campus (It's probably an urban legend, but entertaining none the less). Two college students are out hunting and drinking. They get bored and start to BS and stuff about how well they can shoot or whatever while downing beer after beer after beer. Finally one of the college students has enough of it and challenges his friend "I bet you can't shoot this beer can off my head."

I don't get it.

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 6:35 am

They're shit drunk and he wants the other guy to shoot the beer can off his head.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 7:37 am

The result of it likely is that the guy shoots his friend in the head.

There's a moral to that story. Booze + Guns don't mix. Don't do it!