"As soon as I get home"
HA HA Ha ha ha ha ...
Stolen from ORSM AKA Teh Funneh Thread
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"
His story:
"Shit day at work. Great shag later."
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What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"
His story:
"Shit day at work. Great shag later."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
-
Kashluk
Yeah, that reminds me:
A woman was wandering in the woods. She stumbles upon a well. There's a sign that says it's a magical well, that grants you one wish if you throw in a nickel. The woman throws in a nickel and makes her wish: "I wish I was smart, had logic and driving skills and would get paid twice as much for my shitty little job!" There's a magical *poof* and she turned into a man.
A woman was wandering in the woods. She stumbles upon a well. There's a sign that says it's a magical well, that grants you one wish if you throw in a nickel. The woman throws in a nickel and makes her wish: "I wish I was smart, had logic and driving skills and would get paid twice as much for my shitty little job!" There's a magical *poof* and she turned into a man.
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American Tourister
- Vault Dweller
- Posts: 114
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 7:02 pm
- Location: Interstate 40
A teenaged brother and sister from [insert your favorite state] are left alone while their parents go out to dinner. The brother says "Hey, let's watch some of Daddy's porno videos!" They watch for awhile, and before you know it, they do it right there on the couch.
After they're done the sister says, "Oh, you're so much bigger then Daddy!"
And the brother says, "That's funny, Momma said the very same thing!"
After they're done the sister says, "Oh, you're so much bigger then Daddy!"
And the brother says, "That's funny, Momma said the very same thing!"
"...Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues"
A man whom we shall refer to as Mr. Simons knew absolutely nothing about the wilderness when he went on his very first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing in the local forest and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.
'Pardon me,' said Mr.Simons, 'but are you game ?'
She looked him up and down and said, 'Yes.'
So he shot her.
------
Construction of the 50-level inner city tower was behind schedule and pressure was being applied to finish it on time. Gardeners were moved in to start the landscaping at ground level, whilst carpenters were fitting out at mid-level and the crane was still lifting things on the top floor.
One day the crane driver's apprentice drew his boss's attention to the absence of a toilet on the roof and that he was busting for a leak.
Conceding the lack of a toilet, the crane driver said there would be no problem if the lad hopped into the crane's bucket while he swung it high over the CBD.
'Look,' he said, 'we're so high up that it will disperse into fine spray long before it hits the ground. Don't worry about it.'
So the apprentice did just that.
By the time the crane driver retrieved the bucket and the lad climbed out, the boss himself was strongly inclined to have a piss.
'Well, hop in the bucket then. I can drive it,' said the eager apprentice.
The boss was uncertain, but bladder pressure was building.
'Okay,' he said with crossed legs. 'The green button is for easing the bucket out, the yellow brings it back. Whatever you do though, do not press that red button there. It opens the bottom of the bucket.'
'No worries, boss,' said the apprentice.
While the apprentice swung the crane out over Collins St with its oh so precious cargo, an attractive blonde in a mini-skirt swanked by the gardeners on the ground level, who gave her an appreciative whistle.
The carpenters too noticed this from the middle level, and they also expressed their appreciation.
The crane driver's apprentice on the roof heard it and he leaned over for a look .. and put his elbow fair and square on the red button.
It was only a few seconds later when one of the carpenters on the mid-level said to his colleague, 'Those crane drivers are sex crazed!'
"What makes you say that?' inquired the other.
'Did you see that blonde walk by a moment ago?'
'Yeah, what of it?'
'Well I just saw one of the crane drivers streak past with his cock in his hand, screaming :
...........................'C
..............................u
................................n
..................................t !
.......................* * *
....................................C
......................................u
........................................n
..........................................t!'
*The dots, while potentially irritating on certain colour schemes, were necessary for spacing of entirely artistic intentions.
'Pardon me,' said Mr.Simons, 'but are you game ?'
She looked him up and down and said, 'Yes.'
So he shot her.
------
Construction of the 50-level inner city tower was behind schedule and pressure was being applied to finish it on time. Gardeners were moved in to start the landscaping at ground level, whilst carpenters were fitting out at mid-level and the crane was still lifting things on the top floor.
One day the crane driver's apprentice drew his boss's attention to the absence of a toilet on the roof and that he was busting for a leak.
Conceding the lack of a toilet, the crane driver said there would be no problem if the lad hopped into the crane's bucket while he swung it high over the CBD.
'Look,' he said, 'we're so high up that it will disperse into fine spray long before it hits the ground. Don't worry about it.'
So the apprentice did just that.
By the time the crane driver retrieved the bucket and the lad climbed out, the boss himself was strongly inclined to have a piss.
'Well, hop in the bucket then. I can drive it,' said the eager apprentice.
The boss was uncertain, but bladder pressure was building.
'Okay,' he said with crossed legs. 'The green button is for easing the bucket out, the yellow brings it back. Whatever you do though, do not press that red button there. It opens the bottom of the bucket.'
'No worries, boss,' said the apprentice.
While the apprentice swung the crane out over Collins St with its oh so precious cargo, an attractive blonde in a mini-skirt swanked by the gardeners on the ground level, who gave her an appreciative whistle.
The carpenters too noticed this from the middle level, and they also expressed their appreciation.
The crane driver's apprentice on the roof heard it and he leaned over for a look .. and put his elbow fair and square on the red button.
It was only a few seconds later when one of the carpenters on the mid-level said to his colleague, 'Those crane drivers are sex crazed!'
"What makes you say that?' inquired the other.
'Did you see that blonde walk by a moment ago?'
'Yeah, what of it?'
'Well I just saw one of the crane drivers streak past with his cock in his hand, screaming :
...........................'C
..............................u
................................n
..................................t !
.......................* * *
....................................C
......................................u
........................................n
..........................................t!'
*The dots, while potentially irritating on certain colour schemes, were necessary for spacing of entirely artistic intentions.
-
Wolfman Walt
- Mamma's Gang member
- Posts: 5243
- Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2003 1:31 pm
- Location: La Grange, Kentucky
- Contact:
Three guys are applying for the CIA, a 25 year old, a 30 year old, and a 40 year old. All 3 of them passed their tests with flying colors and they only need to accomplish one last thing before they're accepted into the CIA.
They organize all the guys to come in with their wives to conduct a personal interview one at a time.
The 25 year old arrives first and the CIA interviewers ask him how is his family. The young man replies "Great, I just got married and we're expecting a baby boy." Atwhich point the CIA tells him of his final test, the "CIA loyalty test." They hand him a pistol and order him to kill his family. The 20 year old man refuses to do so since he was JUST married and then leaves.
Since the 25 year old didn't pass, they call in the 30 year old guy, start asking him the same questions and everything. "Hows your family?" "Oh they're doing fine sir, been married 5 years, Bobby Jr. is headin into school this month and we're expecting another." Again, the CIA interviewers hand him a pistol as ask him to shoot his wife. The 30 year old man refuses, saying that he loves his family too much and then leaves.
As a last resort, they call the 40 year old man in. They ask him how his family life is and the man says, who in his record had been married since he was 18. The CIA interviewers look down and feel they already got another "Well, you're getting abit old and generally CIA policy isn't to hire anyone your age, but we'll give you a chance if you pass this loyalty test. What we're going to do is hand you a handgun and then you must shoot your wife, its the only way you'll get in." The man nods, takes the gun, and heads outside of the office to the lounge where his wife is.
A scream is heard and then 5 minutes pass by and the man heads back into the office, blood all over his clothes. The interviewers look absolutely stunned. "Which one of you assholes gave me an empty gun?"
-----
(my favorite ice breaker joke)
Two hyenas are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
-----
Herve Caen (Best joke ever)
They organize all the guys to come in with their wives to conduct a personal interview one at a time.
The 25 year old arrives first and the CIA interviewers ask him how is his family. The young man replies "Great, I just got married and we're expecting a baby boy." Atwhich point the CIA tells him of his final test, the "CIA loyalty test." They hand him a pistol and order him to kill his family. The 20 year old man refuses to do so since he was JUST married and then leaves.
Since the 25 year old didn't pass, they call in the 30 year old guy, start asking him the same questions and everything. "Hows your family?" "Oh they're doing fine sir, been married 5 years, Bobby Jr. is headin into school this month and we're expecting another." Again, the CIA interviewers hand him a pistol as ask him to shoot his wife. The 30 year old man refuses, saying that he loves his family too much and then leaves.
As a last resort, they call the 40 year old man in. They ask him how his family life is and the man says, who in his record had been married since he was 18. The CIA interviewers look down and feel they already got another "Well, you're getting abit old and generally CIA policy isn't to hire anyone your age, but we'll give you a chance if you pass this loyalty test. What we're going to do is hand you a handgun and then you must shoot your wife, its the only way you'll get in." The man nods, takes the gun, and heads outside of the office to the lounge where his wife is.
A scream is heard and then 5 minutes pass by and the man heads back into the office, blood all over his clothes. The interviewers look absolutely stunned. "Which one of you assholes gave me an empty gun?"
-----
(my favorite ice breaker joke)
Two hyenas are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
-----
Herve Caen (Best joke ever)
Harriers for the cup.
-
Kashluk
ok lads, heres a long one I was told by father:
A young couple had recently gotten a baby boy. The wife died when giving birth. And since it was a tough birth the man had to wait elsewhere when she gave birth.
So the man was all alone, and now he was to see his son for the first time.
As he came to the hospital a nurse greeted him.
He stated his business and the nurse stopped smiling.
"Well, ok sir. I'll take you to your son. But I must warn you though. He isn't quite lika other children his age. Due to the complications when he was born."
The man answered with no hesitation:
"I'll love him anyway, its my only son. And I am more than prepared to take good care of him"
So, the nurse led the man through the hospital towards where they kept the newborns.
Soon they entered a room filled with babies and the man looked around to see if he could recognize his son.
"He isn't in this room, a few more rooms away he is." The nurse said.
The man nodded and they kept going.
The next room was filled with babies with damaged and missing limbs, and the man thought to himself:
'oh, my. this is so terrible. but he is my son, and I'll take care of him no matter what' and then asked the nurse:
"So, where is he?"
"Well, sir, we're not quite there yet" The nurse answered.
They proceeded to the next room, in wich many badly deformed babies lay crying.
"is he here?" the man asked, trying to keep his tears at bay.
"No, I'm sorry that you have to see this sir. But we're not quite there yet"
So, they kept going, and now entered a room where only baby heads lay, wired to all sorts of machinery, keeping them alive.
Now, a single tear found its way doqwn the mans cheek, and he asked:
"Is, he here? How is this possible... So.. so awful"
"No, not here sir, in the next room, but before we enter there is something I want you to know. You will never be able to take your kid home, he must stay here under constant care."
The man nodded, bewailing his lot. But he was an honourable man, and was determined to keep the baby alive, and take as good care of the baby as possible.
So, finally they entered the last room, and alone, inside a glass casing. There lay the mans son.
A single eye, lying there floating.
The man fought his tears back as the nurse said.
"Here mr, this is your son."
Well, the man though, I might as well try to cheer him up a little.
So, he leaned forward towards the jar and made some funny faces.
The nurse hesitated, and then said:
"It's no use sir. He's blind."
A young couple had recently gotten a baby boy. The wife died when giving birth. And since it was a tough birth the man had to wait elsewhere when she gave birth.
So the man was all alone, and now he was to see his son for the first time.
As he came to the hospital a nurse greeted him.
He stated his business and the nurse stopped smiling.
"Well, ok sir. I'll take you to your son. But I must warn you though. He isn't quite lika other children his age. Due to the complications when he was born."
The man answered with no hesitation:
"I'll love him anyway, its my only son. And I am more than prepared to take good care of him"
So, the nurse led the man through the hospital towards where they kept the newborns.
Soon they entered a room filled with babies and the man looked around to see if he could recognize his son.
"He isn't in this room, a few more rooms away he is." The nurse said.
The man nodded and they kept going.
The next room was filled with babies with damaged and missing limbs, and the man thought to himself:
'oh, my. this is so terrible. but he is my son, and I'll take care of him no matter what' and then asked the nurse:
"So, where is he?"
"Well, sir, we're not quite there yet" The nurse answered.
They proceeded to the next room, in wich many badly deformed babies lay crying.
"is he here?" the man asked, trying to keep his tears at bay.
"No, I'm sorry that you have to see this sir. But we're not quite there yet"
So, they kept going, and now entered a room where only baby heads lay, wired to all sorts of machinery, keeping them alive.
Now, a single tear found its way doqwn the mans cheek, and he asked:
"Is, he here? How is this possible... So.. so awful"
"No, not here sir, in the next room, but before we enter there is something I want you to know. You will never be able to take your kid home, he must stay here under constant care."
The man nodded, bewailing his lot. But he was an honourable man, and was determined to keep the baby alive, and take as good care of the baby as possible.
So, finally they entered the last room, and alone, inside a glass casing. There lay the mans son.
A single eye, lying there floating.
The man fought his tears back as the nurse said.
"Here mr, this is your son."
Well, the man though, I might as well try to cheer him up a little.
So, he leaned forward towards the jar and made some funny faces.
The nurse hesitated, and then said:
"It's no use sir. He's blind."
-
Kashluk
Black humor is great. It's the sort that you either shit yourself laughing at, or are completely disgusted at. People having completely opposite reactions to the same joke is usually a good thing. Entertaining, too.
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A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:
"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?"
"Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
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A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says:
"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?"
"Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
These two are quite similiar.
Guy gets a phone call from the doctor.
"Sir," says the doctor, "I have some good news and some bad news concerning your wife."
Mustering up some courage, the guy says, "Ok, doc, give me the bad news."
"Well," says the doctor, "She's been in a terrible car accident. She's paralyzed from the neck down and braindead. She can't live without a respirator and various other machines to keep her alive. She will never regain consciousness, and you'll have to bathe her and feed her yourself."
Sobbing uncontrollably, the man manages to regain his composure for a few seconds. "Jesus, doc, that's terrible. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "No, I'm just kidding, she's dead."
A man gets a call in the middle of the night from the state police, saying his wife has been in a horrible accident and he needs to get down to the hospital right away. He rushes down there as fast as he can, and a doctor meets him in the hallway.
"Sir, your wife is gonna make it."
"That's great," the man says. "How is she?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "she is probably not going to function the same. Massive blows to the head usually cause severe damage, and she'll need 24 hour a day care. She'll probably stay in a near vegetable state."
"That's horrible," the man says as he starts crying. "We have three small children at home. I can't care for them all and take care of my poor wife."
"You'll have to quit your job. You have to take care of her every need from now on. You must feed her, bathe her, wipe her chin when she drools..."
The man continues crying.
"You'll have to wipe her ass, and change her dirty diapers..."
"This is so horrible, doc, why did this happen?"
"I'm just fuckin with you, she's dead!"
Guy gets a phone call from the doctor.
"Sir," says the doctor, "I have some good news and some bad news concerning your wife."
Mustering up some courage, the guy says, "Ok, doc, give me the bad news."
"Well," says the doctor, "She's been in a terrible car accident. She's paralyzed from the neck down and braindead. She can't live without a respirator and various other machines to keep her alive. She will never regain consciousness, and you'll have to bathe her and feed her yourself."
Sobbing uncontrollably, the man manages to regain his composure for a few seconds. "Jesus, doc, that's terrible. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "No, I'm just kidding, she's dead."
A man gets a call in the middle of the night from the state police, saying his wife has been in a horrible accident and he needs to get down to the hospital right away. He rushes down there as fast as he can, and a doctor meets him in the hallway.
"Sir, your wife is gonna make it."
"That's great," the man says. "How is she?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "she is probably not going to function the same. Massive blows to the head usually cause severe damage, and she'll need 24 hour a day care. She'll probably stay in a near vegetable state."
"That's horrible," the man says as he starts crying. "We have three small children at home. I can't care for them all and take care of my poor wife."
"You'll have to quit your job. You have to take care of her every need from now on. You must feed her, bathe her, wipe her chin when she drools..."
The man continues crying.
"You'll have to wipe her ass, and change her dirty diapers..."
"This is so horrible, doc, why did this happen?"
"I'm just fuckin with you, she's dead!"
A man and his wife (after a lay in the hay) go to the doctors office, because the wife has a bee caught in her vagina. The doctor takes them in and examines the wife.
"Hey doc, aren't you getting a little too friendly with my wife?" the husband asks.
"No, I need to take a look inside to see where the bee is," replies the doc.
The doctor spreads the wife's legs open and looks inside. He sticks his hand in there and the husband freaks out. "I had to see if it would just pull out."
"Allright, just get the damn thing out."
So the doctor explains the ancient Chinese penis-stick method. He covers his dick with honey and inserts it in the woman's vagina. The husband is mad, but willing to let it go if the bee gets stuck to the honey. The doctor pumps for a while, when the furious husband asks, "is it stuck yet?"
"Change of plans, sir, I'm gonna drown the fucker!"
"Hey doc, aren't you getting a little too friendly with my wife?" the husband asks.
"No, I need to take a look inside to see where the bee is," replies the doc.
The doctor spreads the wife's legs open and looks inside. He sticks his hand in there and the husband freaks out. "I had to see if it would just pull out."
"Allright, just get the damn thing out."
So the doctor explains the ancient Chinese penis-stick method. He covers his dick with honey and inserts it in the woman's vagina. The husband is mad, but willing to let it go if the bee gets stuck to the honey. The doctor pumps for a while, when the furious husband asks, "is it stuck yet?"
"Change of plans, sir, I'm gonna drown the fucker!"
-
Kashluk
Haha 
Pretty good one. I enjoyed those *really* black ones more, though. They were pure gold. Black gold, if I may (pun intended).
I've got a similar kind of joke ready, you wanna? Well, no matter, here it goes:
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient, "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor, "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient, "That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
and more:
Late one night, many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
and even MORE (omg omg I'm breaking the two-joke tradition I'm so kewl):
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."
The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."
The genie said, "Okay, then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"
"I would like a new sports car."
"Okay, you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars."
"Okay, you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Pretty good one. I enjoyed those *really* black ones more, though. They were pure gold. Black gold, if I may (pun intended).I've got a similar kind of joke ready, you wanna? Well, no matter, here it goes:
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient, "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor, "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient, "That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
and more:
Late one night, many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
and even MORE (omg omg I'm breaking the two-joke tradition I'm so kewl):
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."
The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."
The genie said, "Okay, then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"
"I would like a new sports car."
"Okay, you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars."
"Okay, you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
-
Kashluk
Oh, one brilliant one I found just a minute ago:
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said... "Ahhh, Finnair!"
-
Kizmiaz
- Vault Veteran
- Posts: 255
- Joined: Thu May 16, 2002 8:57 pm
- Location: Badsville, Ostrogothia
- Contact:
Wow, lot of old acuaintances here.
Mon Anglaise sux but if anyone managed to miss this one:
It's X-mas and li'l Billy is really exited 'cause he's seen a huge pile of gifts under the tree, and only being 5 years old, he can't read the labels on the parcels, but he just know the big one gotta be the bike he wished for.
The day crawls at a snail's pace of course, but finally it's time to distribute the gifts.
Imagine his anticipation when Santa grabs the big parcel.
Imagine his disapointment when Santa declares it's for his mother.
Well, he thinks, maybe I wasn't good enough this year but there's a lot of packages left. Some gotta be mine.
Anyway, the pile dwindles away when his father, brother and sisters get the gifts.
At last there's only one teeny little package left, and li'l Billy swallows and thinks: That one gotta be mine. Even if it's small it could still be something nice.
Maybe it's a game like Fallout 3 or PS:T 2!
Imagine his horror when Santa says that this one also is for his sis.
Devastated he goes to his mother, tug her skirt and ask her with tears in his eyes why he didn't get any Christmas presents this year.
-Oh you little silly. You know you have cancer.
Mon Anglaise sux but if anyone managed to miss this one:
It's X-mas and li'l Billy is really exited 'cause he's seen a huge pile of gifts under the tree, and only being 5 years old, he can't read the labels on the parcels, but he just know the big one gotta be the bike he wished for.
The day crawls at a snail's pace of course, but finally it's time to distribute the gifts.
Imagine his anticipation when Santa grabs the big parcel.
Imagine his disapointment when Santa declares it's for his mother.
Well, he thinks, maybe I wasn't good enough this year but there's a lot of packages left. Some gotta be mine.
Anyway, the pile dwindles away when his father, brother and sisters get the gifts.
At last there's only one teeny little package left, and li'l Billy swallows and thinks: That one gotta be mine. Even if it's small it could still be something nice.
Maybe it's a game like Fallout 3 or PS:T 2!
Imagine his horror when Santa says that this one also is for his sis.
Devastated he goes to his mother, tug her skirt and ask her with tears in his eyes why he didn't get any Christmas presents this year.
-Oh you little silly. You know you have cancer.
Kindly,
Ukhan Kizmiaz
Ukhan Kizmiaz
