war never changes

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 3:09 pm

War.
War never changes.
The true horrors of war lie not in the battlefield, but in itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s consequenses. The starving child awaiting death in the cold company of itÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s dead parents. The plagueridden corpses of men, twisted beyond recognition by the disease. Dead cities, broken windows gaping empty, hiding nothing but the destruction beyond, all accompanied by the smell of death.
Cannibalism, starvation, disease, the consequenses are many.
In this case; Darkness.
A darkness embracing the earth, gently rocking into silence, while radiation did its silent task killing many of the survivors.

Few survived, aided by the vaults;
vast underground complexes, equipped to support life for generations and ensuring the continued existence of humanity and its knowledge.

As the vaults opened, a barren wasteland greeted he survivors who began their task of repopulating the known world. To assist them in this task they had the G.E.C.Ks, Garden of Eden Creation Kits, designed to help rebuild what was lost.
However, all was not well. A being called the Master sought to end all wars and humanity itself, transforming humans into hideous Supermutants.
Tales tell of a vaultdweller, a person originating from one of the vaults, noble and fearless enough to face the master, ending the life of the creature and bringing the threat to an end.
What became of the Vault Dweller no one knows. The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes claimed to be the descendants of the Vault Dweller and those who followed him, and it was from this tribe someone was sent into the wasteland to save the village.
But in the end, this someone saved not only the village, but humanity itself as he unmasked a leftover of the old world. The enclave, a organization bent on preserving the purity of humanity by killing all with a compromised genetic profile. With the mutations resulting from the radiation, this meant virtually everyone. Had the Enclave's plan succeeded, humanity's population would have numbered in the hundreds instead of millions.

Many years have passed since this. But still humanity is at its knees, struggling for life in the desolate waste. The scars are still present, and the wounds that were inflicted were not only to humanity, but to the Earth itself.....

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 4:59 pm

The intro for FO3?

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:02 pm

one possibleintro anyway, just popped up in my head as I was going to sleep last night, so I wrote it down this morning and posted it as soon as I got a chance.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:14 pm

I like it. The first part is a much bleaker view than previous Fallouts, although it fits.

Only thing I'd reccomend is correcting some spelling/usage mistakes you have, particularly in the third paragraph.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:28 pm

there, did some editing, probably missed some.... I'm not all that fancy with english. feel free to correct thigns you find, being a mod and all.
I don't like the 3ed paragrapg that much, it got all well... strange since I felt the need to write the things from the previous games.
Esprecially the master part... it got strange, I made him sound more evil than he was, in a try to give it from a human pov...

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:35 pm

The only thing you missed was "To their assistance", which is correct English. "To assist them in this" would be correct, while "To assist them in this task" would sound a lot like the original Fallout intros.

Sorry for being picky, but I'm a creative writing major. I never critique stuff to be an ass; I just like to see good things come to their full potential.

I think the changes you made to the part about the Master worked quite well.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:38 pm

thnx, I wasn't offended by the critique. I'm glad for it actually.
I agree that "To assist them in this task"sounds much better. Will change.

Was unsure about the master changes, whether it gave a weird impression or not.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:42 pm

Mismatch wrote: Was unsure about the master changes, whether it gave a weird impression or not.

It does give a weird impression. But then again, name one thing about the Master that doesn't give a weird impression.

I split "noone" into two words and added an "s" to the end of "know". Also added "ed" to the end of "claimed." Damn, am I an English dweeb...

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:47 pm

now that is true.
also chnged:
"one person originating from one of the vaults"
to:
"a person originating from one of the vaults"

I didn't want to specify gender so I had to use person instead of man (I can't bloody recall if one may choose gender in FO1)... this too made it a tad funny...
but I see now that I wrote his descendants in a place.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:51 pm

Mismatch wrote:now that is true.
also chnged:
"one person originating from one of the vaults"
to:
"a person originating from one of the vaults"

I didn't want to specify gender so I had to use person instead of man (I can't bloody recall if one may choose gender in FO1)... this too made it a tad funny...
but I see now that I wrote his descendants in a place.

FO1 let you choose gender. And in all the documentation and cut scenes, the speaker is never gender specific.

EXCEPT I've noticed in quite a few conversations in FO2 that the Vault Dweller is called "he". I don't know if that's just NPCs using language conveniently, though, because the PC never uses gender-specific language about their grandparent.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:52 pm

AND the statue in NCR is of a man.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:55 pm

Yeah, but the description says that the person is an unknown. However, I think Tandi does talk about a man when recounting how the Vault Dweller rescued her. I'll have to re-do the conversation to be sure, but if anyone should know it would be her.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 5:57 pm

AND the statue in NCR is of a man.

Yeah, either that or the Chosen One's grandma was one really ugly fucker.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 7:30 pm

sooooo, anything else I should adjust?
I hope there are some things.. if not, that means this will just sit here, forever forgotten.
much like most things.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:07 pm

Mismatch wrote:sooooo, anything else I should adjust?
I hope there are some things.. if not, that means this will just sit here, forever forgotten.
much like most things.

I'll go through the thing, giving you my suggestions, then:

Change "killing most living" to "of killing many of the survivors".

At the beginning of the second sentence in the vault explanation paragraph, add the clause "The vaults were" before the word "great". Also, remove the comma between "generations" and "ensuring"; replace the comma with the word "and". You also spelled "existence" incorrectly somewhere in there.

Say "hideous supermutants" instead of just "hideous mutants". It conjurs an image and has a greater effect on the reader. Also, how about adding a phrase like "and stopping his insiduous plan" after the phrase "ending the life of the creature".

Re-do these sentences:
"The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes though, claimed to be the descendants of this vaultdweller. And it was from this tribe a human rose to once again protect humanity from extinction. "

With something like this:
"The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes claimed to be the descendants of the Vault Dweller and a few of his loyal followers, and it was from this tribe that someone set out once again to protect humanity from extinction. "

At this point, talk about the Enclave instead of just stopping with the "protect humanity from extinction" part. Talk about an insane man in charge of vested with a now-meaningless pre-war power, bent on removing everything but pure-blood humanity - of which there were only vault dwellers still inside their shelters - from the globe.

In your conclusion, I think it would be more powerful to say "the wounds inflicted" instead of "the blood that flowed". It would then read:
"The scars of nuclear devesatation are still present, and the wounds that were inflicted were not only to humanity, but to the Earth itself......."

These are mostly stylistic points, but I think the type of wordings I've suggested make the piece stronger while making it sound more like the original Fallout introduction scripts. Feel free to take or leave any of my suggestions.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:59 pm

Thanks, you made many good points there, and I agree that much need to be changed.

At the beginning of the second sentence in the vault explanation paragraph, add the clause "The vaults were" before the word "great". Also, remove the comma between "generations" and "ensuring"; replace the comma with the word "and". You also spelled "existence" incorrectly somewhere in there.

you are right about that the vault explaination needs some work. however I do not feel comfortable with using the word vault twice in such short time. I tried this instead:
"Few survived, aided by the vaults.
Theese great underground complexes..."
spelling of existence fixed, thnx.

Say "hideous supermutants" instead of just "hideous mutants"

Agreed. not superdupermutants though

Also, how about adding a phrase like "and stopping his insiduous plan" after the phrase "ending the life of the creature".

yah, I always thought thatpne needed something more. I tried with:
" and bringing the threat to an end."
but I'm not sure about that. tell me how it sounds,

Re-do these sentences:
"The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes though, claimed to be the descendants of this vaultdweller. And it was from this tribe a human rose to once again protect humanity from extinction. "

With something like this:
"The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes claimed to be the descendants of the Vault Dweller and a few of his loyal followers, and it was from this tribe that someone set out once again to protect humanity from extinction. "

yep the 'though' has to go.
"and it was from this tribe that someone set out once again" This will not be possible, once again would imply that someone famous or summit had set out from the tribe before. So I tried this:
"The inhabitants of one of the northern tribes claimed to be the descendants of the Vault Dweller and those who followed him, and it was from this tribe someone was sent into the wasteland to save the village.
But in the end, this someone saved not only the village, but humanity itself."

At this point, talk about the Enclave instead of just stopping with the "protect humanity from extinction" part. Talk about an insane man in charge of vested with a now-meaningless pre-war power, bent on removing everything but pure-blood humanity - of which there were only vault dwellers still inside their shelters - from the globe.

How much was known of the enclave?
how deep into detail should I go?
I'm having a hard time with that, wich is why I didn't mention it from the beginning.
I tried to mention it.. but I'm not sure about the result, opinions please:
" but humanity itself as he unmasked a leftover of the old world called the enclave. An organization bent on preserving the purity of humanity by killing all with a compromised genetic profile."

In your conclusion, I think it would be more powerful to say "the wounds inflicted" instead of "the blood that flowed". It would then read:
"The scars of nuclear devesatation are still present, and the wounds that were inflicted were not only to humanity, but to the Earth itself......."

yes, you're suggestion is much better. I will remove the nuclear devastation part though, I don't want to be over obvious.

cheers
look at the things I mentioned if u have time. I'd appreciate it.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 10:21 pm

Great changes, and thanks for pointing out the reduncies in some of what I wrote. I'd play around with the Enclace part more, though. Perhaps something like this:

"But in the end, this Chosen One saved not only the village, but humanity itself. They unmasked a leftover of the old world called the Enclave, an organization bent on preserving the purity of humanity by killing all who did not have pre-war genetic composition. Due to the background radiation of the wastes causing minor mutations, virtually no one fit the profile. Had the Enclave's plan succeeded, humanity's population would have numbered in the hundreds instead of the millions."

Or something like that. It's never been made clear how many people died in the war, but I'm pretty sure millions of people had to have survived out of a population of billions.

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 11:46 pm

I'll look into the above things tomorrow, expand the enclave part some more and things. I'm off to bed for now.

I am not completely satisfied with this though:

Few survived, aided by the vaults.
Theese where vast underground complexes, equipped to support life for generations and ensuring the continued existence of humanity and its knowledge.

I feel that the . after vault kindda disrupts the flow of the thing. I was contemplating about using a ; instead, like this:
"Few survived, aided by the vaults;
vast underground complexes, equipped to support life for generations and ensuring the continued existence of humanity and its knowledge."

opinions?

Post by **Retlaw83** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 12:54 am

I like it.

I can almost hear Ron Pearlman.

fallout ranger · Post by **fallout ranger** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 9:43 am

Mismatch.............that was awesome................god bless you :tears: