Discuss my failure:

T-900 · Post by **T-900** » Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:58 pm

Problem?

A fucked relationship between anyone short of trained psychologists is for a long time after a minefield of uncomfortable silences and awkward arguments. Like a (very) minor nuclear accident, come back in a few decades

Post by **Dogmeatlives** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 8:19 pm

Update (if anyone cares): After calling her up in the middle of the night a few times and making an ass out of myself, I have decided the best thing to do is just put her out of my life. I have gotten rid of anything that would make me think of her and now keep my cell phone turned off and in my room most of the day. I found myself constantly checking to see if I missed her call or a text message from her when I knew she has no intention of trying to call me so I just keep my phone in my socks drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

I also recently came down with some virus which has made it harder not to call her as I have just been lying around doing nothing. I have also resolved to find a new woman. The fourth of July is coming up and I have a few fiestas in mind. The problem is that when I see a girl I am attracted to I go into the conversation as if I'm trying to charm her off her feet. I know I am capable of it but I end up over-thinking the whole thing and psyche myself out. Then I just come across as strange or boring because I'm so tense.

I have been working out alot more which helps keep me occupied. I can't wait to get back to school so I'll have somnething else to keep me occupied. Anyway, she sent me a text message yesterday. It said "Hey, whats going on?" Now keep in mind that she still thinks I want to be friends. She doesn't know that I don't want to see her again. She has not tried to call me or ask me to hang out or anything in over a week. This just proves to me once again that I was the one keeping it going as long as it did and that I am far better off without her in my life. I apologize if you read this whole thing. It just helps to put together the whole situation.

P.S.: I also wrote almost a two pages at about 4 in the morning a few days ago about my insomnia and depression and the breakup. I wrote it when I was incredibly sleep deprived and high on marijuana (which I rarely smoke anymore). Let me read it over in my alert state and see if it would be alright to post it here. You guys would probably get a kick out of my misery.

Fuck it, here it is. It's so sappy and depressing to read. I realize I sound like a whiny bitch so no need to rub it in. It starts out as an account of the sleepless night I am having and then erodes (just like in FO3) into a whining fit. Have a good laugh at this one till I finish my next FO comic strip.

Oh, and if you can read the whole thing you earn my respect and pity.

4:37 AM

My mind won't let me sleep. Tossing aside my blanket in anger I fall to the floor quickly complete thirty pushups, I stand and stare at my reflection in a picture frame, flexing my arms and panting loudly.

I follow this exercise with seven reps of one hundred pounds. I stand again, panting, my heart beating like some cornered rabbit.

In my mind all I see are my failures. In my chest I ache because I am lonely. I jump to the pullup bar in front of the lifting bench and pump out ten

pullups. They are not normal pullups, however. I fold my legs up so that my knees are inches from my chin and do every pullup in a fetal position. It gives by abs some attention.

I feel the ache in my heart and the pounding of my exhausted brain. The gray matter pulses against my skull, begging me to rest. My heart thumps and thumps.

After the tenth pullup I just hop down and walk slowly in underwear to my bedroom door. I turn the knob and think of the way her hair smells. My chest aches harder as I flip on

the living room lights. I move to the mirror and just look at myself. It makes me happy for an instant to see improvement, then I turn my head away

and the thoughts flood back to my immediate attention.

She is out of my reach for good. I would unfortunately be willing to bet on it. SHe still wants to be friends. Is that a cliche?

"I still want to be friends."

"I would love to but..."

...but what? What is my pathetic reason why I can't just go along quietly?

"I couldn't stand to see you with someone else." Because let's face it, unless she joins a monastery there will inevitably be someone else somewhere down the line.

"Every time I see you I just want to hold you and kiss you and..." I am disgusted by my weakness but I give in. My eyes closed, I imagine her body, her soft lips. The ache in my chest grows in time

with the beating of my heart. I want her now, I want to hear her voice now. I could call her but it won't change a thing. My pain will be there after we hang up and she drifts back to sleep.

If only sleep could come as easily to me. If I could sleep there would be no dark time when I am utterly alone with my thoughts. None of my thoughts are good ones when I am alone and everyone is sleeping.

I have called her three nights almost in a row. Each call ended with me yelling and telling her we would never be friends and each time I called her back minutes later and told her how wrong I was and

that I don't know what I'm talking about. A part of me still imagines her calling me back and telling me she was wrong and that we should be together. Actually a large part of me. I know it won't happen.

I jump back into bed and pull the blanket over my body again. I stare at the ceiling.

I wonder what it was that changed for her. SHe had told me that she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. I can understand how that can happen but I don't feel any better.

I think of a saying that I heard in a movie or something.

"How can someone love you if you don't love yourself?" I am far from having love for myself. I live in my mom's basement. While my peers come and go from and to college, I am seemingly in a holding pattern.

My job depresses me but I don't find a new one and I am still going to community college after three years. I am sure that I am being too hard on myself but the doubts come creeping in all the time.

Especially at night.

I still love her and I am still in love with her. I don't know if anyone knows what it is to love anymore. The word is tossed around frequently.

"I love cheeseburgers and I really love my new shirt, it's my favorite one." I love her in an unconditional way. SHe could throw me off a building and I would love her all the way down.

I believe that love is not an instant quality that either happens or it doesn't. It requires constant effort and attention or it will be lost as quickly as it was found.

When I say that I am still in love with her, I mean that I find her presence to be intoxicating. She can always put me in a good mood, usually in spite of myself.

I wish for her to be next to me in bed but wishing for it is the best I can hope for. Being an insomniac is much worse than I thought it would be when I was still sleeping regularly. It's the complete isolation

that lets my mind find thoughts that were better left unthought. I often wonder if I am insane. To be insane, after all, is to have a very slanted view of reality. The sufferer would never know that they are insane unless

Their insanity was an obvious affliction.

My favorite line of the whole thing: The ache in my chest grows in time with the beating of my heart.

I should write romance novels.

frissy · Post by **frissy** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:51 pm

Get laid and over with it. Cheez...

Urizen · Post by **Urizen** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:05 pm

jesus, let the man vent his polluted heart a bit. nothing wrong about that, we all need to do it once in a while.

i also used to write a lot when i was young and depressed. sure it's pathetic, but hey, this is dac, we're all pathetic anyway. i would, though, like to caution young dogmeat that he shouldn't rely solely on his keyboard. as i said, i also used to write a lot when i had things that needed to come out, and it was prolly very healthy at the time, but in the long term i think it may have made it harder for me to express my feelings the usual way. come to think of it, i don't realy have any feelings that need expressing anymore, which might have been a bit sad, had i still had the ability to feel sadness. so maybe try to talk more about this with your friends\family?

frissy · Post by **frissy** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:14 pm

Yeah, but he's an american. Don't you all go on schoolshooting rampage to vent out?

VasikkA · Post by **VasikkA** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 3:16 pm

Dogmeatlives wrote:snip

Wow, now you made me all sad.

Just don't let this angst spread to your comics. And, Ja, a new woman would be the best possible therapy at this time. You need to push her away for awhile and see what happens.

Urizen in the Trash Can wrote:my door is always open

OH GAWD. Please bring back Feelings Online, while you're at it.

frissy · Post by **frissy** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 3:42 pm

Push her away, and push into someone else

TNP · Post by **TNP** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:18 pm

Ask yourself, what would Adolf Hitler do? Hmm?

VasikkA · Post by **VasikkA** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:24 pm

TNP wrote:Ask yourself, what would Adolf Hitler do? Hmm?

Umm, kill himself and the bitch?

Post by **Dogmeatlives** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 6:37 pm

TNP wrote:Ask yourself, what would Adolf Hitler do? Hmm?

I have been thinking about getting more involved in politics...

frissy · Post by **frissy** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 7:02 pm

Don't forget that Hitler was one hellawa graphical artist. Start creating the symbols that the world will remember FOREVER!! and help the polish politics at the same time!

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 7:42 pm

My mind won't let me sleep. Tossing aside my blanket in anger I fall to the floor quickly complete thirty pushups, I stand and stare at my reflection in a picture frame, flexing my arms and panting loudly.

lol

eat shit mongo

TelemachusSneezed · Post by **TelemachusSneezed** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:10 pm

Dogmeatlives wrote:I also recently came down with some virus which has made it harder not to call her as I have just been lying around doing nothing.

Wonderfully convenient. Way to take advantage.

You need to go on a spirit-quest. Go into the desert, and sit on a buffalo-hide for days on end. You'll never think of her again, and you'll have a raging erection for the next female you happened come across. Srsly.

St. Toxic · Post by **St. Toxic** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 4:08 am

Get her into an od of black tar heroin, then when she passes out just call the local preach', have her rebaptized as catholic and marry her.

If she has memory issues, I'm sure she won't mind.

Goretheglowingone · Post by **Goretheglowingone** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 4:09 am

yup, evrytime you see her, on the street or in the mall you should walk over punch her in the face
, duct tape her hands, bend her over a car or bench and ass rape her, the cut her loose and walk away..

St. Toxic · Post by **St. Toxic** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 4:13 am

Wasn't he already doing that? I must have misread the original post.

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 12:51 pm

What about soy sauce?

DaC-Sniper · Post by **DaC-Sniper** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 1:29 pm

get high. all day. problems solved.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:59 pm

frissy wrote:Don't forget that Hitler was one hellawa graphical artist. Start creating the symbols that the world will remember FOREVER!!

Yeah, go steal stuff from the Indians and call it your own

TNP · Post by **TNP** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:46 pm

Dogmeatlives wrote:
TNP wrote:Ask yourself, what would Adolf Hitler do? Hmm?
I have been thinking about getting more involved in politics...

Good. Adolf Hitler wouldn't have dreamed of getting involved with women before he was ready. The problems of the world burdened him too much. Don't let a woman drag you down when you hear a calling and know what has to be done.

Get your life straightened out first before you worry about women, as it is suicide to your future generations procreating too early.

Do what's right.