Eye of the Beholder

Post by **Retlaw83** » Sat Feb 05, 2011 4:47 am

Eye of the Beholder is a short story I wrote that I'm looking to get published. Didn't want to put in fan art/fan fiction because it's not. It's a western set on another planet 1,500 years in the future with a robot sheriff whose dealing with how he's different from humans and how that informs how he metes out justice.

http://retlaw.deviantart.com/art/Eye-of ... r-31733064

Alister McFap II Esq. · Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:03 am

TL;DR

Stalagmite · Post by **Stalagmite** » Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:26 am

Alister McFap II Esq. wrote:TL;DR

It's alright but nothing I would copy pasta.

POOPERSCOOPER · Post by **POOPERSCOOPER** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:15 am

I just read it and it was actually really good. You write well and sound just like I was reading something from a professional writer. I like how you also have a whole theme in the story and a nice well said conclusion.

I've always wanted to ask this from a writer but the whole time I was imagining the robot as one of the robots from FO3/New Vegas, is that how you imagined him or was he more realistic looking?

Post by **Retlaw83** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:24 am

Thanks Pooper.

I imagine him as kind of having a head from a robot in Terminator, though with long octagonal eyes, and a body that looks like a suit of armor that's proportional to a regular human body. Slap a cowboy hat and a duster on that and you have the Sheriff.

Alister McFap II Esq. · Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:55 am

Retlaw83 wrote:I imagine him as kind of having a head from a robot in Terminator, though with long octagonal eyes, and a body that looks like a suit of armor that's proportional to a regular human body. Slap a cowboy hat and a duster on that and you have the Sheriff.

AKA Thunderstick from BraveStarr but in gay.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:05 am

Never saw that show, and it makes your choice in entertainment look horrible, but I'll admit the character design is based on cowboy and robot archetypes because it's a cowboy robot that's supposed to be immediately identifiable. Since the story doesn't revolve around how the robot looks, and is only mentioned in an offhanded way, that's no much of a problem. If you'd read the story you'd know, but using your brain isn't your strong suit.

Also, my robot looks far less "gay" than that, though I don't know how people from your backwards genetic filth quantify that word.

Thanks playing - and losing - once again, Dreddy.

Alister McFap II Esq. · Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:16 am

Retlaw83 wrote:archetypes

The only thing I've lost in this thread, is my interest.

Edit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_1P9pvD ... 4DA84B07FA

Check out BraveStarr. It's classic 80s cartoon cheese. Had some good designs, but it's Filmation, so expect it to suck - aka be 100 times better than your feeble attempts at writing.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:24 am

Alister McFap II Esq. wrote: The only thing I've lost in this thread, is my interest.

Considering you have nothing else to lose, good. I'm open to constructive and honest criticism, but running around like a retarded kid with ADHD because you don't like reading doesn't make me inclined to pay attention to you.

Alister McFap II Esq. · Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:51 am

Haha, a man with nothing to lose. You sure love your archetypes.
So here's constructive criticism: Don't adhere to them.

The writing is actually ok. Just be more creative.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:02 am

Alister McFap II Esq. wrote:Haha, a man with nothing to lose.

You don't have any dignity, so you can't lose that, and you can't lose many more brain cells.

The writing is actually ok. Just be more creative.

I had a robot dressed like a cowboy. I guess for my next trick I'll make something that's completely unrelatable wearing clothes no one is familiar with.

You can't make an accusation of a lack of creativity based on the fact something I came up with has a passing resemblance to a 24 year old TV show no one but you saw.

Alister McFap II Esq. · Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:13 am

Retlaw83 wrote:You don't have any dignity, so you can't lose that, and you can't lose many more brain cells.

Says the sycophant who smeared his fat body with chocolate for his "buddies"... half nude. Do you even understand what DIGNITY means?

Retlaw83 wrote:I had a robot dressed like a cowboy. I guess for my next trick I'll make something that's completely unrelatable wearing clothes no one is familiar with.

You can't make an accusation of a lack of creativity based on the fact something I came up with has a passing resemblance to a 24 year old TV show no one but you saw.

Yes I can. Also BraveStarr was quite well known. Maybe not in your chocolate-loving circles, but then again, they don't even know the difference between AUS and NZ... so go figure.

Poop flinging OFF.

Don't stick too much to archetypes. Or learn how to hide them better.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:38 am

Alister McFap II Esq. wrote: Says the sycophant who smeared his fat body with chocolate for his "buddies"... half nude. Do you even understand what DIGNITY means?

I did it as a joke, as I've explained countless times. With how many times I've explained it, I'm pretty sure you don't know what the concept of friends or getting along in groups is.

Of course, I could be like you and flash pictures of my dick around on the internet because I want other men to see it. That's the hallmark of a man with dignity.

Yes I can. Also BraveStarr was quite well known.

It's the first I've heard of it. And I'm not ripping it off, so it's still not a lack of creativity considering I reinvented the concept on my own. There's only so many ideas out there and so many words; chances are any idea has been done before somehow. Next you'll be complaining my stories use guns to fire projectiles and how uncreative that is.

Also, I could give your opinion some credence if there was evidence you actually read the damn thing, but there's none of that. I really can't take shit from a guy who's major accomplishments are taking pictures of his cock, getting lost in a desert due to impulsive and stupid decisions, and scouring the internet for pictures of corpses.

they don't even know the difference between AUS and NZ... so go figure.

As I said before, I know the difference, but the difference doesn't matter. Maybe if they started teaching reading down there I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself to you. Or perhaps I could stop repeating myself if you learn new insults, though I don't suppose there's much hope for that.

Alister McFap II Esq. · Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:10 am

I didn't read your reply, because of this:

Alister McFap II Esq. wrote:Poop flinging OFF

Tofu Man · Post by **Tofu Man** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 5:07 am

Would comment, though the cunt author seems to forget he owes me royalties for completely rewriting his previous work.

Anywho, how did that work out?

I'll post the obligatory nonchalant "nice work" comment once I actually read this one.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:15 am

Tofu Man wrote:Anywho, how did that work out?

Check out chapter 1 of the book on Deviantart and you'll see. Your suggestions helped me rework the beginning to flow better.

Also wrote you into the acknowledgments in the manuscript's file, though if you don't want to be identified as Tofu Man I can change that. One of the people in the acknowledgments is listed as "The Scarecrow" so Tofu Man isn't too out of place.

Stalagmite · Post by **Stalagmite** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:22 am

Yeah sorry mate I'm not too privy on reading fan fiction (or whatever YOU wanna call it) that has yet to be published.

The best I can do is sit here and laugh at an (apparent) aspiring author have pissing contests with people who don't appear to take the internet as zealously as themselves.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:26 am

And I don't have time for people who can't distinguish between fan fiction and normal writing, and are too stupid to realize Terran and battlecruiser are generic words, so your intellectual laziness does us both a favor.

SenisterDenister · Post by **SenisterDenister** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:12 pm

In science fiction I stick to human and then go by an abbreviated faction name for what they are, ie, a human for a republic would be a republican. :common sense:

I try to stay away from the especially common sci-fi terms, at least in recent years, like Terran. I would stick with human, or if its directly from Earth identify it as Homeworlder or Earthican or something. A little more zazz.

Post by **Retlaw83** » Wed Feb 09, 2011 8:33 pm

SenisterDenister wrote:I would stick with human, or if its directly from Earth identify it as Homeworlder or Earthican or something. A little more zazz.

Well, my book has the United Terran States Armed Forces butting heads against things like the Royal Tanakan Provinces and Liberated Allied States of The Eastern Hemisphere. In the writing it comes down to different kinds of A.F. troopers fighting the R.T.P. and Lasteans. Only time I refer to "Terrans" is when I'm talking about humans from that country, and most of the time when it's tanakans and U.T.S. guys duking it out I just use the words alien and human.

Earth is never once referred to as "Terra" and always as "Earth."

Though, none of this has any bearing on Eye of the Beholder, since Earth got absorbed into something else dozens of years prior when humanity in the solar system got unified.

I should look into starting a wiki for this shit.