Conan: Blood, Tits, Ron Pearlmans Face

POOPERSCOOPER · Post by **POOPERSCOOPER** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 4:41 am

Conan is based of the same story that the Arnold movies are based off of which is a barbarian who kills stuff. I don't know if it's based of a comic book or a books I don't know but the original Conan was great. Conan 2 wasn't so great but I liked it a lot as a kid the same how kids (atleast me) always enjoyed the worse sequels more than the original (ghostbusters 2, gremlins 2, hot shots 2, etc).

Anyways, this Conan is like a re-imaging, it's not really a remake or a sequel. It's not a remake in the sense that the story is different but it still has the beginning of conan. The movie stars the dude from Game of Thrones who isn't as big as Arnold and I found that distracting to the movie. Ron Perlman plays Conan's father and Stephan Lang (guy from avatar) plays the bad guy.

The new conan has lots of blood and gory kills which is cool but that will only get you so far. The actual story in the movie isn't that important in conan except for how it's done. The original conan was good because it had the conan music and it had conan playing with the sword in the sun, you understand everything just by watching that. In the new conan, the guy who plays conan is actually a fairly good actor but makes conan smart and experienced which doesn't make a unique hero like the original conan.

What I don't understand is why they couldn't have gotten the original conan theme, it would have made the movie so much better. It's like having the FO2 tracks in New Vegas, those parts are the best because the music really makes everything better than it should be.

Overall, the new conan doesn't live up the original at all and is more of just another use of an old license to make a movie they want to make. The good things which this movie is that there is lots of fighting and killing stuff but doesn't leave a memorable impression like the original did. I also saw the movie in 3d and it didn't add anything what so ever, James Cameron is the bane of cinema now.

SenisterDenister · Post by **SenisterDenister** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:52 am

As far as I know Conan in the books was smart and experienced, so they may have had his character based more on the novels over the previous movies.

VasikkA · Post by **VasikkA** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:02 am

I'll probably wait for the 3D porno version.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:48 am

I liked the original and I liked the dude in game of thrones != me watchin dis ok maybe in few months with the jaybob.exe that will unlock some codecs for 3d viewing experience (2 monitors at a ninety degree angle playing the movie with a 0.1 second delay =! true 3d fun)

: )

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Tue Aug 23, 2011 5:35 pm

SenisterDenister wrote:As far as I know Conan in the books was smart and experienced, so they may have had his character based more on the novels over the previous movies.

I read the original RE Howard books way back, but I'm not going out of my way to watch this one. The preview looks kind of silly, muggy, summer pop-corn flick although Pearlman and Lang are 2 of my favorites.

I wouldn't say he's smart - more like shrewd and cunning. As far as experienced - the old books had a progression to them, and the first movie did a great job of showing him go from kid to orphan to slave to pit fighter to thief to soldier etc. etc. The books go even further as he becomes kind of a pirate, cavalryman, bodyguard, general etc. etc. and eventually rises to become king of some land.

The first movie was great
Milius directing
Script by Oliver Stone (he was planning to write a series of like 12 but hollywood balked, this was pre-CG, could probably be done now. SHit like this is more feasible in a post-LOTR trilogy world).
Basil Poledouris did the music - heavy soundtrack
Great actors - Von Sydow, JE Jones, Ahhnold etc. Even the non-actor jocks are great like Lopez, that tall dude from the Raiders, the dancer chick etc.
And DeLaurentis was always great at producing big extravaganzas.
That movie had great art direction, sets, costumes, props and shit are top notch and while familiar, never really look like any ancient civilization we know.

What I don't understand is why they couldn't have gotten the original conan theme, it would have made the movie so much better. It's like having the FO2 tracks in New Vegas, those parts are the best because the music really makes everything better than it should be.

I honestly think decisions like this come down to them wanting to put something else on the market. Even an inferior soundtrack is something new to put on the rack at Walmart to catch some mouth-breather's eye.

rad resistance · Post by **rad resistance** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:38 am

My bro who is a R.E. Howard fiend took one look at the previews and just said "what a crock of shit". I think it looks shitty and will properly end up seeing it in a year or so.

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 3:28 pm

Yeah, and it's not like the books are high art or anything, they are straight up pulp.

Even still, they have a complexity that Hollywood won't touch, because he's very much an anti-hero and has lots of pathos. Even when there's a happy ending in a Conan story (he kills the bad guy, saves the girl, gets the loot!) it usually ends up with him killing the bitch because she gave the gold to her boyfriend while he was high on some lotus.

Hollywood doesn't have the balls to do it right.
Same with the original 007 novels, Bond is a real dick - racist, misogynist, totally politically incorrect by today's pussified standards. That's too challenging and uncomfortable a character for the mainstream movie goer to embrace.

They have to tone these guys down and turn them into likable Indiana Jones type characters that don't threaten women or do the right thing in the end.

Why bother then?
The guy's a fucking barbarian, it's like they want him to join Greenpeace now so as not to offend anyone and make him more likable.

Blargh · Post by **Blargh** » Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:44 pm

You cannot kill that which is extinct. Ergo, Conan is interested in conservation.

DO GREENPEACE HAVE A MASCOT

Stalagmite · Post by **Stalagmite** » Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:40 am

The only thing cinematic you need concern yourself with regarding Conan the Barbarian.

SenisterDenister · Post by **SenisterDenister** » Thu Aug 25, 2011 7:54 am

St. Toxic · Post by **St. Toxic** » Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:09 am

Yeah, no. I'm gonna get the books on tape, though.

popscythe · Post by **popscythe** » Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:21 am

Shrewd and cunning my ass, in the first Conan story he's a king who's let ruling make him soft, then some ghost makes his sword magical and Conan doesn't even realize it until he's shattered the sword over someone's helmet already and uses the chunk of hilt as a last resort against this fuckin' cool demon.

Best part? Even though he's been stabbed a ton of times by some assholes and is bleeding to death and just fought a demon and won after being stabbed said ton of times, the first thing he does when some dudes finally figure out their king has been attacked is roar for some WINE!

Conan is a barbarian. This move isn't about barbarians it's about power rangers and assholes.

Also, they're short stories, you fucking philistines.

rad resistance · Post by **rad resistance** » Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:14 pm

Look Mr. Happy is back.

popscythe · Post by **popscythe** » Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:08 pm

Eat shit.

Stalagmite · Post by **Stalagmite** » Sun Sep 04, 2011 11:49 am

The books are fucken badass unlike those faggot ass lord of the rings gay hobbit shiteaters.fuck

St. Toxic · Post by **St. Toxic** » Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:24 pm

I thought they were a bit too campy. And while the setting literally shits gems at you, the premises of the stories are so similar they almost fade into each other. I did like them though.

rad resistance · Post by **rad resistance** » Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:37 pm

Most are good and quick reads.

4too · Post by **4too** » Sun Sep 04, 2011 11:53 pm

Summer's Past

Don't recall where before I've mentioned the paper back books that were passed around at a certain age,
when there was only three and a half channels and nothing was on.

Just educated enough that novels started to read themselves as eager eyes flowed over page to page.

Just young enough that 'age appropriate' might nurture inhibiting assumptions, so avoided the library.

Scarce cash so private purchase not an option.

Do not recall the order, only some significant volumes.

The Catcher In The Rye

Lord Of The Flies

1984

Queer Daddy

Conan The Warrior

Conan this, Conan that, eventually got through most of this Lancer/Ace series of pulp fantasies.

Years later, primed and ready for the first Conan movie.

Went to the first available, most likely a week day or matinee, very few people.

Sat close enough in center so screen filled total peripheral vision.

Body relaxed from a day's fatigue, as if floating in a plush upholstered sea.

Movie starts and credits roll.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

The screen was dominated.

Beheld the pow-ah of the name, and James Earl Jones became 'just' a supporting actor.

Now, other priorities stretch on into tomorrow and tomorrow. Can wait for any re-make.

4too

Mismatch · Post by **Mismatch** » Wed Sep 07, 2011 1:36 pm

We went to the movies, Jesus and I, watching Conan the Barb. As he snuggled closer, and fondled my sack, I stopped dead in my track.

Once Conan stood bold I emptied my load. The movies were never the same.

jiujitsu · Post by **jiujitsu** » Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:48 pm

Decent acting for what it was. Jason Mamoa is a good fit for Conan. Lots of blood and gore. Lots and lots of tits. Lots of Hollywood cliches. Overall, I enjoyed it. Fun flick if you don't take it too seriously.

Duck and Cover

Conan: Blood, Tits, Ron Pearlmans Face

How Buff should conan be?

Conan: Blood, Tits, Ron Pearlmans Face

What is best in recycling -

Summer's Past