It was just another day in Gecko. The sun beat down on the small, battered little village in the middle of the post-nuclear-war wasteland. The sky was blue, the radrats chittered to themselves in the undergrowth, and the inhabitants braced themselves for another glorious day. For these inhabitants are a little different from the other inhabitants of the post-nuclear wasteland. For a start the other inhabitants are, strictly speaking, alive, whereas the inhabitants of Gecko were, strictly speaking, not, being classed as "ghouls" by the living. It's not as if they didn't try, but even with taping pot pourri to their decaying frames, they were not accepted by the living. Let's face it, who wants a drinking buddy who gets so drunk that he falls over and his legs snap off. That's not the definition of "legless" that most people go for. So they whiled away their days here, in their own little town, patching one another up, and greeting the occasional visits from necrophiliacs with open arms. Yes, today was going to be another lovely day...
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!' cried the man, then 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!' some more, as he fell out of a great rip in the air. 'Oooof' was his opinion on his rough landing, hitting the dry, dusty ground with a solid thump.
Four seconds later a car fell out of the hole in the sky, crashing to the ground mere feet from the man.
'Ow.' Opined the ghoul who had been standing where the car had fallen.
'Ohhhh, my head, where am I?' Wondered the man, whose name was Ash.
Look at Ash. A man of average height, with dark hair and little weaselly eyes darting from side to side. About this point you will notice the chin. It's big. Very big indeed. For all the talk about lantern-jawed heroes, here we have a man with a lighthouse on his face. He is wearing the tattered remains of a shirt, with a shotgun holster slung over his back, with his trusty shotgun encased within. He had no right hand; after all, it had become possessed in his fight against the evil that lurked within the log cabin. In its place he had attached a chainsaw.
He looked around, the very epitome of manliness, from behind a bush. He noticed a person standing near a cluster of huts up ahead. He decided to seek him out, and find out where he was.
'Hey, I know this'll sound crazy, but I've just dropped into town and don't know where I am, could you possibly tell me?' He asked the man, whose back was turned. The man curiously enough had his head covered with a hat, and seemed to be wearing a scarf. Ash was sweating as it was.
'This is the town of Gecko.' Said the figure in a raspy voice, like a death rattle. Shivers ran down Ash's spine.
'Where the hell's Gecko? Never heard of it. What state am I in?'
'California.' Said the ghoul, and it turned around.
Ash saw it in its full horror. It took off the hat it was wearing and unravelled the scarf, and he saw that there was little flesh left on this creature's head. Little veins could be seen pulsing under the surface of his rotten skin, and both eyes were milk white. Ash reacted on instinct, whipping out his shotgun and shooting the creature in the face. The creature's last look was that of surprise as its head burst apart, blood and mucus spraying everywhere. Ash looked around. A crowd had formed; all of them were ghouls. This was it; the evil dead would chase him wherever he went. Now he had to make a stand.
There is little to say about the fight between the ten or so ghouls and Ash. Ash had the advantage of limbs that did not snap off in a light breeze, as well as guns and the chainsaw. Within the space of five minutes, they were all dead, and Ash had dismembered them all with his chainsaw, knowing this was the only way to truly kill them.
After this, he finally had a thought.
'I must go and see if any pretty ladies need to be saved from these evil beasts!' And off he went, exploring the village, which was strangely quiet.
He opened a door to a small hut near the centre, and heard a voice.
'Hello, handsome. Can't get enough, can you?' Said a husky female voice that stirred his heart, and his groin.
'Ohhhhh, yeah, baby, gimme some sugar!' He cried as he rushed in and took her in his arms. 'Argh!' He said, as he dropped her in horror. She was also dead, and from the look of it, quite a long time ago. Her skin was white as paper, and scabious to boot.
'What is it?' she demanded 'Is it because I've gained weight lately?' She asked, and then she burst into tears. 'There, there.' Said Ash, thoroughly confused, she was as light as a feather.
'If you don't want me, then just say.' She said between great racking sobs. 'I thought you said I was special. I thought you weren't into living girls...'
'No, no, you're beautiful.' He said, panicking.
'R-really?' She asked, looking up at him with a teary face.
'Yes, really.'
'Oh, Harold, I do love you.' She exclaimed as she kissed him.
Quite a long time later, Ash escaped, worn out and rubbing his groin. He sneaked away, knowing that she had fallen asleep. Reaching the outskirts of the village, he saw a stone monument. Feeling, and justly so, badly treated, he kicked a stone at the monument.
'Ow.' Exclaimed the monument.
'Huh?' Gawped Ash.
'I said "Ow".' Said the monument.
'Oh.' Said Ash.
'Hey, are you Ash, by any chance?' Asked the big monument, a carved stone head.
'Uh. Yeah.'
'Well, I was sent here with a message from my superiors. Now, how did it go? Ah, yes. "Ashley, we apologise for the inconvenience, normal service will be restored as soon as possible".'
'What does that mean?' Asked Ash, aware that he was, in fact, talking to a statue.
'It means that there was a rumple in the space/time continuum and you are not where you are supposed to be.'
'Can you fix that? I'd very much like to get out of here.'
'Are you sure? I thought you and Marie the short-sighted ghoul were quite a nice couple.'
'I'd really like to get out of here.' Urged Ash.
'OK then, here we go, I'll take you to the time you are supposed to be in.' said the monument, as it began to spin. Ash noticed that he was spinning too, and with a cheap special effect and a noise like "twing" he and the monument disappeared. Then there comes the really cheesy bit where he spins around in an obvious green screen set while swirly stuff swirls swirlily in the background, with a few household objects hurtling through time with him for cheap comic effect, and a clock faded into the background with the hands spinning furiously backwards.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!' cried the man as he fell out of a rip in the air. 'Oooof' was his opinion on landing, hitting the side of a grassy hill and rolling to the bottom.
He opens his eyes. He is lying on the floor, looking at someone's feet. As he looks up, he realises that the man is a knight. A knight pointing a sword at him.
'Another one in league with the Deadites, take him away!' Cried the man, and two men grabbed Ash and bound him.
That rosy future with Marie the Ghoul looked pretty special right now.
In the distance a car fell out of the sky, onto a soldier investigating the shotgun.
'Ow.' ventured the stricken soldier, before dying.
:mrgreen:
Comedy "Evil Dead" homage...
Comedy "Evil Dead" homage...
Last edited by Jimbo san on Mon Dec 23, 2002 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
) and I'd like to see alot more of it.
