Choose your own adventure

SuperH · Post by **SuperH** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:51 am

Flip to a random page and pick it up from there 8)

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 4:07 am

You enter your ex-girlfriends room in the pitch black, trying not to wake her. Carefully stepping over her clothes, you crawl into bed, remembering her musky scent as if it was an old friend. Stroking a hand across her naked, sleeping body you realize something is wrong. Dead wrong. She is in fact, dead. A 1000 watt bulb bursts inside your brain and you start to cry, eventually falling asleep wrapped inside your insane misery.

You wake up in the morning to find the body is missing. What a calamity. How could this happen. Slowly getting out of bed, you wondered if it was all a strange dream...or a nightmare! You open the curtains and look out, only for a suprise to stab you right in the heart. Your ex-girlfriend is alive all right. She's been turned into an alien zombie. And she has your best friend hostage at gun point.
"S---Save yourself." screams your best friend in a blood-curdling moan that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

Naked_Lunch · Post by **Naked_Lunch** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 4:17 am

Begin to meditate and try and find the answer through reasoning and personal intuition as guided by the Eternal Spirit.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 1:15 pm

You calmly enter your spiritual space via meditation and focusing on calming sigils such as

. Pink and baby blue outer space, surrounded by tiny bells and windchimes. In the far distance you can see the Zombie Ex-Girlfriends mind, and you reach out to it. You are now playing mind chess with her in an attempt to give her an aneurysm.

After several hours of some pretty conservative mind chess, her head finally implodes, then explodes. You come out of meditation and wipe the blood from your nose, phew. That was a close call. You hop out of the window and cradle your best friend in his weakened state.
"We need to get you to a hospital."
"No...No you have to go on without me. I'll be fine. You have to stop the aliens. I have seen it now, you are the Chosen One." utters your utter best friend.
You nod and ruffle his hair, then walk to the tool shed and find a palette jack. Getting on it, you ride out of there and into the pre-apocalyptic landscape towards the aliens HQ.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

Blargh · Post by **Blargh** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 1:21 pm

Stop for a quick 217 hole golfing ordeal at the conveniently placed 217 hole golf course. Of course.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 1:54 pm

You finally sink the 217th hole (you got a birdie fyi) and go relax a bit at the members club. You pull out a cigar and a waitress lights it for you, as you lie back in your chair and just relax for a bit. Your eyelids start to get heavy. Too heavy! You are struggling to open your eyes and jump up, running to the bathroom. Struggling to look into the mirror, it appears someone has put a clockwork eyelid pusher on you without you noticing. But why! You tear one off and reach for the other when a burly gentleman saunters in.
"Members only!" he japaneses, raising a golf club threateningly. You extinguish the cigar in his mouth and chokeslam him into the urinal.

Walking out calmly, you throw away the other eyelid pusher into a potted plant before going back to your seat. You go to the bar for a drink, but you realize you have no money.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

[HpA]SniperPotato · Post by **[HpA]SniperPotato** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 2:48 pm

Whore out the local Chinese prostitutes. After you collect you kill them and sell their body parts for money.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:23 pm

After the few months it had taken you to do that, you finally get a beer and drink it quite happily. Though by now the aliens have pretty much took over the world, humans have become a slave race. Before you can even finish your beer you are slapped on the back of the head with a trident.
"What the!"
It's a masked alien, in the disguise of Ray Winstone.
"Get back to work, slave!" he screams, his mouth is a whirling blackness of swirling marbles. He loops a rope round your wrists and drags you down to the mines, where you are given a shovel and told to dig up ancient egyptian artifacts.

A gypsy woman comes up to you after several days of hard work.
"Have you heard of the Rebel Alliance?"
You had, in fact heard of the Rebel Alliance. You thought it was a shit name.
"Yes, I had heard some rumours."
"Follow me to thine...Rebel Alliance HQ we can fill you in on the details."
She beckons you to a secret passage, clutching an oil lamp in a gnarled old ladies hand.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

Dreadnought · Post by **Dreadnought** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:25 pm

Take her lamp away and anally rape her till she faints.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:31 pm

She collapses, sobbing and bleeding on the cave floor. You step over her quietly, holding the lamp above your head to illuminate the pure blackness in front of you. Walking forward a few steps, you come to a precipice with no distinguishing way across, down or up. You throw the lamp down and watch it disappear into a tiny dot. You shrug your shoulders and turn around, walking back the way you came. You have come to a crossroads. On the left is a dark passage leading into a dark pit where you can hear screams. On the right is a ladder leading upwards, a ray of golden light shimmers down and catches the dust playfully dancing in the air.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

Dreadnought · Post by **Dreadnought** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:35 pm

I go down, where the screams come from, to report my glorious alien masters about the rebels, and that I've taken one out already.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 4:24 pm

You enter the sacred lair, putting your sunglasses on. Spiders with legs made of more spiders crawl on the floor lazily, fractally. Amidst the creeping flesh is a polished oak cadillac that has been transformed into a kind of bizarre throne, on top sits the boss of the mine. His fake whiskers wobble in anticipation of a human slave, eyes rolling out of his head and being absorbed into glistening neck flaps.

"Boss. There are rebels here. I have come to turn them all in."
The alien considers this, staring at you with empty bloodshot eyes like satans burning asshole.
"Do you have...proof of this?"
"Proof? You can't handle the proof. The matter of the fact is that there's some rebels and I know exactly where they are, shit for brains." You whisper, taking off your sunglasses in a flourish that even made the spiders pause in amazement.
"Lead me to them then, and you will be put forward for special undercover tasks, you treacherous dog."
You take him by the hand and lead him to the precipice.
"Where are dey. Why are dey. Who are dey" mumbles the mine boss, holding up a samurai sword. You point downwards.
"How the hecking fuck are we getting down there, treacherous dog?"

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC?

POOPERSCOOPER · Post by **POOPERSCOOPER** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 4:52 pm

You both use hang gliders to get down the giant hole till you see the lights of an ancient city.

[HpA]SniperPotato · Post by **[HpA]SniperPotato** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 6:34 pm

The bloom effects from the advanced alien lighting blind you causing the hangglider to crash into a wall.

Dreadnought · Post by **Dreadnought** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 7:58 pm

All shit, my version rocks hard:

I punch the mineboss, and as he falls, I jump on his back and surf down on him to the rebel camp. The rebels see me coming and take their crude weapons and point them in my direction.
Suddenly they all realize their chance, and as I land in front of them, they stab the mine boss to death.
Hordes of spider monsters crawl out of the shafts and the rebels fight the spidermonsters and lots of them die.
5 pm, teatime. Both parties retreat for tea.
After tea the battle rages on. Furious beast die under the waves of rebels sacrificing their lifes for me.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting a bit away fapping to the violence.

I gain 2500 XP for liberating the mine from the orcs... uh... aliens. :gothic 3:

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 1:51 pm

You have arrived at the camp, no matter how or what okay, and there is only a very tall man with wrinkled skin. You jump on his back and start to twist his skin until you have a big hose of wrapped skin and he is as tight and clean as a skeleton. "Tell me where the rebels are!"

Big Boss alien nods his head to the wacky wu beat, but a noose is gently lowered around his neck and he is lynched from above. You let go of the mans skin and run to save him, but more nooses are lowered very slowly, causing you to crawl on the ground like a flat pancake being taken away by ants. The masked alien spurts his last ejaculatory scream before turning into a ton of bubbles and running into the cracks and the ridges of rebel camp floor.

The rebels finally show themselves from the rafters, each holding a noose because that is there weapon.
"In the year 2001 the president crashed planes into the WTC to cover up an alien that had been found underground. We are going to show this conspiracy world wide to stop his war on terror."
The rebels are all fried, it must be all the salt they eat. They hoist you up on a spit and carry you to a giant black cauldron, full of boiling salt.
"Nuh-nuh-nuh no!"
They strip you naked and sexy women cover you in vinegar. They are about to pour boiling salt onto you when your best friend swoops down on a helicopter, causing them all to hit the dirt as it were. The helicopter lands a few feet away, so you roll towards it and do a little hop.
"Let's get the clucking fuck out of here, dawg."

WHERE WILL YOU GO DAC

Blargh · Post by **Blargh** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 5:56 pm

Remote control sharks.

Megatron · Post by **Megatron** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 6:33 pm

You turn to your friend and realize you've lost your sunglasses. Butt fuck.
"Fuck it

eat shit mongo

chopper and try to start it. But it's not responding for some reason. Your friend leans in close to a radar, where suddenly hundreds of dots seem to have surrounded the ship.
"This cannot be working correctly. It just isn't logical."
You look outside and notice the most muscled shark you have ever seen is on board, with a huge radio sticking out of it's chest. It opens it's mouth and starts to shoot spiders everywhere.

WHAT WILL YOU DO DAC

Superhaze · Post by **Superhaze** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 6:40 pm

Ouch! Spider attack for 35hp.
Poisoned! You lost 4hp.
Ouch! Radiation damage. Lost 6hp.

MadBill · Post by **MadBill** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 7:18 pm

It's time to wear the big old boots aptly named "Stompy". It's stomping time. The shark, however, is to be ignored.