Happy Cupcake Adventure! - A Choose Your Own Adventure Thing

[Taco-Hero]

You pull out your phone and decide to give Retlaw a call (he knows how to deal with these kind of situations.) It keeps ringing because no one is picking up. Snake's mom sees you with the phone.

"Wow. That is rude. Don't you know you're not supposed to talk on the phone in a fancy French restaurant?"

"Sorry."

Finally it stops ringing and Retlaw picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, look I need your help."

"Uh yeah. I'm a little busy."

"Yeah okay. It's just that I've been kidnapped and now I'm on a date with Snake's mom. Can you come? I'm at the French restaurant!"

"... I'll be there."

Ten minutes later you see Retlaw arrive at the entrance but the killa whales start harassing him. You see one of the killa whales beginning to pull out something from his pocket.

What do you do?

[MadBill]

Pull your own thing out of your pocket and compare it to the killa whale's.

[Retlaw83]

I pull Snake's mom's thing out of her pocket and compare it to the whale's.

[Taco-Hero]

As the killa whale is about to pull something out of his pocket you whip your dick due to your overwhelming insecurity and urge to show off your masculinity. The killa whale is wide-eyed, he pulls something out of his pocket and reveals a cupcake with pink frosting and blue sprinkles, much like the ones you had in your basket from before. You are immediately arrested after a pregnant woman fainted after seeing your member. The policemen take the time to beat you up behind the restaurant and throw you in a dank jail cell. There is someone in the cell with you. A homeless guy sitting in the corner carving an apple with a spoon. There is only one toilet which has a healthy turd swimming in it and a toilet paper roll depleted of paper. There is also a piece of black chalk laying beside you. Outside you see a police officer a few meters away watching TV. You see the keys dangling from his belt and a gun on the desk.

What do you do?

[ekkaman]

use the chalk to carve out a gun from the poo and load it with rounds removed from the old mans kidney just before eating his liver.

[Taco-Hero]

After a while you come up with the craziest escape plan that has ever been conceived. You grab the chalk next to you and go over to the toilet. You immediately grab the turd out of the bowl and sit down on the toilet and start carving the piece of poo. You look at the homeless guy. The homeless guy sort of looks at you and then doses off to sleep, dropping the apple sculpted into Richard Nixon and the spoon. You finally finish carving the poo into a gun. It is not your best work but at least it's functional. The police officer is asleep but just in case you attach the toilet paper roll onto the barrel of the gun as a silencer. But wait you need ammo. You turn to the homeless guy and make him choke on the apple carving. He then begin digging out his innards and find his kidneys, these would make great ammunition you sick fuck. Oh right, then you eat his liver.

You stand up and turn the police officer but you see that he is gone from his seat. You look around and see that his walking down the hall left of his desk. You see that he's left the TV on. You go back to the homeless guy's corpse and search in the pockets of his trench coat. You find a piece of lint, a paper clip, a bottle of vodka and a vial of glowing green liquid.

What the hell do you do now?

[Burning Oasis]

After a while you come up with the craziest escape plan that has ever been conceived. You grab the chalk next to you and go over to the toilet. You immediately grab the turd out of the bowl and sit down on the toilet and start carving the piece of poo. You look at the homeless guy. The homeless guy sort of looks at you and then doses off to sleep, dropping the apple sculpted into Richard Nixon and the spoon. You finally finish carving the poo into a gun. It is not your best work but at least it's functional. The police officer is asleep but just in case you attach the toilet paper roll onto the barrel of the gun as a silencer. But wait you need ammo. You turn to the homeless guy and make him choke on the apple carving. He then begin digging out his innards and find his kidneys, these would make great ammunition you sick fuck. Oh right, then you eat his liver.

You stand up and turn the police officer but you see that he is gone from his seat. You look around and see that his walking down the hall left of his desk. You see that he's left the TV on. You go back to the homeless guy's corpse and search in the pockets of his trench coat. You find a piece of lint, a paper clip, a bottle of vodka and a vial of glowing green liquid.

What the hell do you do now?

Drink the vodka, get fucking hammered, and use your incredible drunken-strength to rip open the bars.
Then pour the vial of green goo on the homeless man, and shove the paper clip into the tip of your penis.

[Taco-Hero]

You do pretty much what Burning Oasis said, even the paper clip thing. You throw your gun back into the toilet and stagger around the jail cell for a few minutes. And then you hear footsteps and the police officer yell, "There's someone here to see you."

The police officer steps in front of your cell with Retlaw next to him. The police officer stops and sees the dead homeless guy, all massacred and shit and the cell door ripped open. He pulls out his gun. "Freeze motherfucker!"

You vomit on the homeless guy.

What do you do?

[Burning Oasis]

Tear open the homeless man and make his corpse a moving meat shield/suit. Then attack the officer, knock him unconscious and nibble on his earlobe.

[Retlaw83]

While Buring Oasis does this, I pee in the cop's eyes to distract him.

[Taco-Hero]

You tear open up the homeless guy and use his spine as a handle in order to hold your new meat shield (or suit when the occasion arises) and charge at the police officer. He fires at the meat shield. You knock him unconscious, drop the meat shield and nibble at his earlobe. Retlaw begins peeing in the cop's eye to distract him.

Retlaw is taken back. "What the hell man."

"Hey, I need to borrow your car man."

"Um. Maybe I should drive."

"Whatever." You look around and see that your meat shield/suit/homeless guy is missing. "Uh. Where did he go?"

"Who?"

Suddenly you hear approaching footsteps. "Hello?!" A police officer calls out. "I heard gunshots. Are you alright?"

What do you do?

[Burning Oasis]

Say "No you didn't." with a reassuring "Seriously, you didn't."

[ekkaman]

Then set retlaw on fire.

[Taco-Hero]

"Um. I'm pretty sure I did." You can hear the police officer calling from the bathroom. "Stop messing around. We got important shit to do. We got a tip that some killa whales robbed a cupcake stand.�

You hear him step out of the bathroom and come your way.

You try to set Retlaw on fire but you don't have any matches on you.

What do you do?

[Burning Oasis]

Stand up the unconscious cop and pretend your're him. Tell the other cop that you'll be out in a minute. Also, the homeless man was "coming right at me!", so you had to rip his spine out. And that the 'other prisoner' had spontaneously combusted, with 'his' ashes disappearing into nothingness.

[Taco-Hero]

You hastily prop the police officer in front of you and disguise your voice. “Oh I'll be out in one minute.� Retlaw stays behind as you enter into the hall. As you pretend to be the cop you explain to the other officer what had happened to the homeless guy. “The guy, the homeless guy was coming at me so I ripped his spine out and the other guy spontaneously combusted into ash which disappeared into nothingness, the ash I mean.�

The other cop looks at you, “Yeah, that happens sometimes. You're the new guy right? Yeah sorry you had to guard these crooks but we're running out of men. You know that shit with the killa whales and the silly seals, right? Anyway I guess we're going to be partners so just grab your gun, things might get dangerous, you never know with these killa whales.�

You go back to the jail cells dragging the unconscious cop. “Retlaw?� You look around and he is nowhere to be seen. You look up and see that the ventilation hatch has been ripped off.

“Look, I haven't got all day now!� You hear the other cop yell.

What do you do?

[Amis]

throw the body into the hatch and yell at the officer "That's what she said." then ask for a doughnut.

[Burning Oasis]

If he gives you a doughnut, have sexual intercourse with it. If not, stab him in the face... with...
err...
an erection

[Taco-Hero]

You toss the body into the vent, his legs dangle from the ripped opening but you're too drunk to care. You then yell at the officer, “that's what she said. Can I have a doughnut?�

The officer walks in, “I don't have any doughnuts now come on.� He stops and sees what you are doing, “Who the fuck are you?�

“I'm the new guy.�

Before the officer has the chance to pull out his gun you stab in the eye with your enormous erection. Blood sprays from the officer's eye, “Holy fuck!� He runs around the room like a headless chicken until he slips on his blood and his knocked unconscious. You pull up your pants with pride, whatever that means.

“Ughhh.� You hear the groans from the officer that you had thrown into the vents, sounds like he's waking up now. “What the hell happened?� His legs begin to move.

Before you could come up with a justified answer to your actions you run out the hall like a mad man and head into the parking lot at the police station. There is only one squad car in the lot, one of those cool motorcycles cops sometimes drive and a unicycle laying in the bushes.

What do you do?

[Burning Oasis]

Buy a bear, and put him on the unicycle, whilst speaking in a Russian accent.