Stolen from ORSM AKA Teh Funneh Thread

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 7:38 am

Yea, thats pretty much implied.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 7:40 am

Which is why I wonder why Kash didn't get it.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 9:18 am

Oh, I see

I thought that I had propably missed the whole magic point of the joke (like the knee-grow thingy by Sauron), but I was wrong. I didn't "get it", because it wasn't funny.

kthnxbye

EFFEXOR · Post by **EFFEXOR** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 9:25 am

Kashluk wrote:It took me a bit over 9 minutes to get that joke.Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¨

My english sucks tremendously.

hahahaa 9 minuties.h haha

First Force · Post by **First Force** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 1:58 pm

ok i have one too, not to good though....

a german, an american and a guy from belgium are running through the desert. they are running for their lives because they are being chased by a crazed hungry lion. as they are running the lion cathes up with them. the german stops and throws sand in its eyes, the lion cant see and stops.
the trio start running and leave the lion behind.
after creating a big gap between them and the lion, the lion recovers from the last attack and pursuits them even more angered. the lion cathes up again with the three idiots and so the american stops.
he picks up a piece of wood of some sort and smacks the lion on the head, out cold. so they start running again. the lion awakes dazed and pissed off, and tracks them down once more.
only this time the german and american climb in an old withered tree, but the belgium guys sits down at the bottom of the tree.
the two in the tree yell and scream that the belgium idiot should come and join them, but the fool refuses. when they ask why he just calmly replies: hey i didnt do anything wrong to the lion!

yup cheezie

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 4:39 pm

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 5:09 pm

Blah. Ok heres another one that sticks out in my memory.

Old drunk stumbles in a bar and asks the bartender for a free drinker. Bartender tells him no ofcourse, cause if you start givin out free drinks, you gotta give everyone one. So the bum says "Well, will you give me a free drink if I show you a trick?" "Depends on how great the trick."

So the bum pulls out a frog from his pocket and lays him down, and the frog starts playing jazz riffs on the piano, the best anyone there had ever heard. The bartender is amazed and give the bum his free drink.

So the bum, after he's done drinking, asks "If I show another trick, can I get another drink?" and the bartender says "If its anything like the last trick, you can drink for free here." So the bum reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat who runs ontop of the bum's piano and starts singing the best scat anyone in the bar ever heard.

Eventually a talent agent walks in and he's completely amazed at the rat and the frog who are still goin at it. He runs to the bartender "Hey bartender, who owns that act?" Bartender points at the drunk whose passed out from drinking so much. Talen agent runs up to the drunk and wakes him up, "Hey you, I run a talent agency and this is the best act I've ever seen, I'll give you 100 grand for it." Bum says, "No deal, they're not for sale." So the Agent thinks up a quick reply "Ok, how about 50,000 for just the scat singin rat." "Alright, fine." So the bum hands the Agent the rat and the agent gives him the 50 grand.

Afterwards the bartender walks up to him, somewhat angery. "What the hell did you do that for? You had a million dollar act there and you sold half of it for 50 grand." Bartender looks at him confidently, "Relax, the frogs a ventriloquist."

Another one that I remember (and like):

Guy runs into a bar looking like he's dying of thirst. He absolutely demands for a drink and as soon as he reaches a stool he cries to the bartender, "Give me 50 shots of your best single malt liquor."

The bartender does so and give him all 50 shots and as fast as he can pour them, the man downs them, one after another without stopping.

Bartender says, "Man, I've never seen anyone drink so much so fast."
Man says, "You would if you had what I had."
Bartender looks even more concerned at this point, "My god!? What do you have?"
Man smiles, "50 cents."

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 9:19 pm

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â© is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." - Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies........."Look at this ! It's still in the CRATE!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

I love little Johnny.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPES OF FARTERS

VAIN
A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD
A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY
A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT
A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead

SCIENTIFIC
A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

NERVOUS
A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST
A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY
A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC
A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate

INTELLECTUAL
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item consumed

ATHLETIC
A person who farts at the slightest exertion

MISERABLE
A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

SENSITIVE
A person who farts and then starts crying

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 9:42 pm

As the door is opened, the travelling salesmans shocked to see a little lad, stood in a silk dressing gown, cigar in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other! Looking further into the house, a prostitute is laying spent across the couch!

"Er, hello young man" he manages to stammer, "Is your mommy or daddy home?"

Little Johnny looks at him increduously, "Does it fucking look like it?"

PS: good one there Wolfman. Took me awhile to get it though.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

LlamaGod · Post by **LlamaGod** » Thu Sep 02, 2004 11:39 pm

U.S. Presidents on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, "Women and children first."
Nixon goes, "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"

I've seen this before in a funnier way, it was a burning hospital and there is a doctor, a lawyer and a priest and the doctor goes 'Save the children' and the lawyer goes 'Fuck the children!' and the preist goes 'But do we have time?

better then the LOL PRESIDENTS LOL

Post by **Retlaw83** » Fri Sep 03, 2004 2:49 am

I learned from this thread that I am an impudent intellectual.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Fri Sep 03, 2004 10:24 am

LlamaGod wrote:I've seen this before in a funnier way, it was a burning hospital and there is a doctor, a lawyer and a priest and the doctor goes 'Save the children' and the lawyer goes 'Fuck the children!' and the preist goes 'But do we have time?

better then the LOL PRESIDENTS LOL

Well, at least it was funny. Better than the "does it fucking look like it" or "shoot the can off of my head" shit.

Most jokes are recycled anyways. I've heard several different versions of the God->Michael Jackson thingy, too.

I'll post some more later, if I can be bothered.

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Fri Sep 03, 2004 6:52 pm

Kashluk wrote:Well, at least it was funny. Better than the "does it fucking look like it" or "shoot the can off of my head" shit.

I neglect seeing how one stupid joke is better then another, especially considering the beer can on the head thing wasn't a joke, but a supposed "True story."

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Fri Sep 03, 2004 7:07 pm

funkeh shit

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 4:39 am

funkeh shit

Indeed.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 5:59 am

Hehey, someone's touchy about telling such bad jokes

Come on man, this is a jokes thread, stop taking things so seriously.

A bitch came to a tattoo parlour and asked the owner to tattoo a christmas three on her right thigh and an eastern bunny on her left thigh. The guy began tattooing and during the drawing process he starts to enquire why she would want such tattoos? The lady answers: "My husband's been complaining there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

Jesus old, but ever-green.

MurPHy · Post by **MurPHy** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:12 am

Hehey, someone's touchy about telling such bad jokes icon_joy
Come on man, this is a jokes thread, stop taking things so seriously.

Who, me?

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:41 pm

Nah, the Wolfman Walt guy.
He's pissed off because I dissed his jokes.
Such is life

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 7:02 pm

I find it funny that just because I clarified something that I become "Pissed off," also, I think the whole point for the clarification was because it was not infact a joke. If I was pissed off, you'd know it. I am abit saddened that I was refered to as "That Wolfman Walt Guy" though.

Anyways.

Guy goes to visit his wife who has been in a comma for some time now. She's on the last few days of her life support and her husband wants to see her one last time before they pull they plug.

On his way out he kisses his wifes lips and suddenly out of nowhere, theres a twitch. The supervising doctor sees this and to him this is a major breakthrough, she responded to something after all. at this point the doctor asks the man to kiss his wife again. He does so and theres the same response.

The doctor then asks the man to fondle his wife, and what, theres an even bigger response. Her hand goes up and itches her nose and then she goes back into her comma state. The doctor finds this to be amazing, possibly a way to cure commas everywhere. He asks the husband to take the next step, "Will you give your wife oral sex? I'll wait outside of the room for the sake of privacy."

5 minutes later the man walks out. "Well, what happened?" "She's dead." "WHAT!? HOW!?" "She choked."

because the magic number seems to be 2 jokes per post.

Woman walks into a bar all bummed and depressed, she sits down and orders the strongest drink she can find and starts sipping away at it. A man sits next to her just as depressed and does the same.

Eventually for whatever reason, the man asks the woman, "Hey everything ok? You look kinda sad." To which the woman replies "My husband just divorced me because he said I was too kinky."

"Too kinky? Thats the same reason my wife left me. Well listen.....we're both adults here, how about we head back to your place and whatever happens happens."

So after the two finish their drinks, they head to the womans apartment. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back" says the woman upon stepping in and then she goes back and changes. She comes out wearing knee high leather boots, the a very revealing leather top with nipple holes and the works, a spike color and bracelets, and a leather whip. "Wait where are you goin?" To her suprise the mans already leaving.

"Listen lady, I shit in your purse and fucked your dog. I'm out of here."

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 7:09 pm

Yes and your can shooting story still sucked ass.

The oral sex hospital one was awesome, though. More of those, twwg.