Duck and Cover

Franz Schubert wrote:

Mandy wrote:That series by Martin sucks ass. Its a horrible mockery of fantasy mixed with a romance novel.

Your problem is that you only deal in absolutes... the series did not "suck ass" by any standards, whether it's the style you prefer or not. By the way, I know you liked Heroes Die... so if you haven't already, you should get Neuromancer by William Gibson, because it is the SHIT. And it's Stover's favorite book.

S4ur0n27 wrote:Fantasy-wise I'd recommend Guy Gavriel Kay's Tigana, or Patricia A. McKillip's Song for the Basilisk

Naked_Lunch wrote:The Zombie Survival Guide rocks.

Part 1:


As some people have asked about this necrophilia stuff I thought I'd throw together a FAQ.

I’m not going to deal with the usual mundane stuff like digging up a grave or breaking into a mausoleum – if you can’t do this then you’d better get a job in a morgue. I’m not gonna explain any of the morgue process at all, as it’s a well-known fact that the majority of people who work in the undertaking business know how to do all this sleeping with corpses stuff anyway.

Okay, so it’s a fine moonlight night, the vicar’s not home, you’ve used your spade/hammer and you have the body in your hands….what next?

Wait….. don’t go wasting your good 2 hours work of digging by doing something immoral…..

Moral Necrophilia

The first thing people usually question about necrophilia is the morality of it, this is the first subject I'll tackle as nobody wants to be seen as immoral.

Don't be a jerk - make sure you're only practicing moral necrophilia. By this I mean it's not really a nice thing to do sleeping with for instance the corpse of an animal, and make sure any corpse you sleep with died aged 16 or above. Defences of "She lied about her age" or "She looked 18" (coming on 96) won't work when you get busted for being a necrophiliac paedophile or a paedophiliac necrophile (make up your own mind which sounds worse!). As a good tip there's usually a big stone next to the corpse with the age of the person buried underneath it (or the age they were when they died anyhow). Sometimes it just displays the date of birth/date of death, so if you are not too good at maths bring along a calculator, and make sure it’s not a solar powered one.

Right - so we have proved that you can still indulge in Necrophilia without upsetting anyone and without going against any Christian beliefs if you have them, so now we will continue with….

The First Kiss

If you’re a keen fisherman then you could always bring along a bait-box with you, clean the maggots out of the mouth and put them in there. Don’t go overboard though, leave a few maggots in there cause remember when it comes to kissing her she isn’t gonna give you any tongue – with a keen imagination a few wiggling maggots on the end of your tongue can feel quite real. I won’t go into too much detail about feeling her tits or even having a little finger – suffice to say that there might be more orifices to stick your finger in than you can imagine.

Any Flavour You Like

Cunnilingus might disgust some people, but usually it’s not so bad once you get used to it. Now with corpses it’s a whole new ball-game. You remember the real-living girlfriend you had? Maybe not, but let’s pretend you had one. She had a fanny that smelt like a fishmonger’s maybe? If only you could have flavoured that pussy before going down on it, eh? Now with a living girlfriend it might offend her for instance if you said “Can I put some vanilla flavouring down there?�, with a corpse it really doesn’t matter, you can even put anchovies there for that fuller flavour if that’s your thing - she ain’t gonna complain or bitch about how insensitive you are – let’s face it she’s the one with the sensitivity problem right now.

Eat In or Take-Away?

One of the problems with cuerpo cunnilingus is that there ain’t no natural warmth down there (remember the lady is dead), and if it’s a cold winter night the last thing you wanna be doing is licking down there cause how would you explain it to the vicar in the morning if the cold got your tongue stuck? So maybe you should have bought a plastic bag & knife with you? It’s hard work carrying a corpse home but it’s not so bad just cutting off the essentials and putting them in your bag ready to be microwaved at home later – remember to play it safe and remove any clitoral piercings she might have if you’re going to use the microwave.

Part 2:
Thanks all for the feedback on Part 1, I hope I have answered some of your questions/concerns below. This is intended as the final part, but I might do a quick Q&A session depending on the need.

Safety First

Make sure you play things safe and wear a condom. I can’t say this enough, if traces of your sperm are found around the corpse you will be traced/busted.

Pick A Hole, Any Hole!

When inserting the penis it’s always good to do a finger-test in the desired hole first. You can use the pre-existing holes of course (vagina/anal/mouth) or make your own if you bring along some cutting equipment such as a knife or a spoon depending on how decomposed she is, experienced necrophiliacs will be skilled enough just to use their fingers as they know all the right places to touch. The reason you should do a finger-test is because things could get quite nasty if for instance a scorpion, a spider, a rat or some other biting insect/animal was buried in there, also if the corpse suffered breakage or fractures you could indeed get your boner spiked on a bone.

Too Juicy?

Sometimes things just get too messy. Consider bringing along a bag of flour or other such substance to soak up some of the fluids – remember this is not because you are exciting her, it is because she is slowly turning into soup. It’s best to use fluid absorbing food products rather than chemicals, one friend got some quite nasty burns when using the chemical salt from his dehumidifier.

Post-sex Conversation & Shared Cigarette

You’re joking, right?!

Put Her Back

Even with the same corpse, each sexual experience is never the same. Consider doing the right thing and putting everything back just how you started. Consider getting a computer database program and logging your partners, it’s always nice to return to a old flame after a few years.

Further Adventures For Experienced Necrophiliacs

I presume you do keep secret the fact that you are a Necrophiliac. If so can you keep secret the fact that you are a Bisexual Necrophiliac? If so, then why stick to just female corpses? You really do get double the value as it is a well known fact that out of all the adult corpses buried, those that are not female are indeed male. If you are that concerned about the morality of all of this (I know lots of Christians & Republic voters would be) then you can even cut off the penis (if it is still there) and make a vagina. If you want to experience a corpse having sex with you then read later…..

Marriage

I entitled this section marriage but that is indeed a lie. You could always ask, but I don’t think you’d find a reverend who’s willing to marry you to a corpse. And besides this there’s always a few paperwork problems – I think it’s quite an unusual request for a certificate of marriage to be issued after a certificate of death.

What I mean by “marriage� is long term commitment – that’s right, you’re no longer gonna be a bachelor, she’s coming home !

You really do need a car for this and be quite strong. Another alternative is to buy a industrial sized container of glue, a big knife and bring her home over the course of a few days, this has the added advantage that you can make what is called a “hot-swap� girl and by using one body but several heads you can have the experience of cheating on her without any thoughts of being immoral crossing your mind.

Once she’s home consider having a party and inviting a few friends / your parents to meet your new girl. If you read that sentence again you’ll see I only said “consider� !

Happily Ever After

So you’ve been living together for a while, what else can you do in the pleasure of your own home?

With some rope & a washing machine you can indulge in even further pleasures. Just tie the corpse to the washing machine and put it on a full-spin cycle. You could even attach a sex toy to the corpse and experience her (or him) fucking you .

Bathing together can be a great experience, but I’d recommend using one of those plug-hole covers (you know the things designed to stop hair being flushed away). You wouldn’t want to lose Sandra’s ear all because you couldn’t spend $1 at the hardware store.

Candlelight meals can be good, but make sure she is well supported in her chair, if she were to fall into the flames don’t expect any rapid “Help, I’m burning� reactions. This would be most unfortunate as you have to respect her wishes and feelings, and remember she did indeed prefer a burial over a cremation.

Well, that’s it. I hope whatever you do with this you do indeed have fun.

You can use the pre-existing holes of course (vagina/anal/mouth) or make your own if you bring along some cutting equipment such as a knife or a spoon depending on how decomposed she is, experienced necrophiliacs will be skilled enough just to use their fingers as they know all the right places to touch. The reason you should do a finger-test is because things could get quite nasty if for instance a scorpion, a spider, a rat or some other biting insect/animal was buried in there, also if the corpse suffered breakage or fractures you could indeed get your boner spiked on a bone.