Duck and Cover

They wonder why people only want to spend bandwidth on DLing a movie instead of seeing it in person. I watched Prometheus in person without seeing it on a cam/TS, and that's the last time!

After a 2nd watch, I'm inclined to agree with Mel Gibs up there. This shit makes Crystal Skull look like Fight Club. Yeah it does look good, but it's the kind of good that you could've seen on National Geographic instead. And this is DaC. If you like shit just because it looks good then fuck off over to the computer equivalent of auto-tuner chav central, some overclocking forum. Or alternatively, somewhere with women.

It's just an avalanche of moronic behaviour wholly incompatible with bronze-age humans, let alone space-faring ones. From the moment the ship lands on that planet, it just doesn't fucking stop. "Say, partner, we's jus landed our asses on this here hayley-hen planet. What say we take some soil samples and shit and I dunno, watch the skies fo the rest of day, here, just get our bearings straight and all. Mebbe run some safety drills jus' in case some gosh darn accident happuns?" But oh no. Let's just go out in the dust with our dicks in our hands like a bunch of retarded pilgrims because hey, it's fucking Christmas! What's the worse that can happen? Oh, that's right, a 10km high silica storm. At least the lead retard ends up biting it with alien dysentery in a moment of almost sublime schadenfreude. It's little comfort, though.

The shame of it is that the very basic plot is perfectly serviceable. "Here be fucking intelligent aliens on earth. Hey, they created us. Shit they're trying to kill us. WHY?!?" Splice in the human-robot parallelism and we're done. What you don't do is waste the time with: dumber Dumb & Dumber's Adventures in Space (gee, you think burning shit inside your helmet when you've no idea when you're going to be returning to the ship might be a bad idea considering you have a limited O2 supply? Oh, that's right, you have a mohawk, hence if *have* to act like a (I'm running out of adjectives for stupid, here) massive cretin); a completely useless character in Charlize; an awfully ham-fisted, not to mention overdone, religious subplot; a "dead" old man come back to life for no fucking reason; an old man that's *dun dun dun* CHARLIZE'S FATHER! Oh, that's right, you don't go anywhere with it and no one gives a fuck; an old man that's a 40 year old guy under 40 kilos of makeup instead of, I dunno, maybe a FUCKING OLD GUY?; a robot that seems decided to kill off its crew for no fucking reason; a binge-drinking fucking retard that decides it's worthless to travel 3 years' worth of FTL to make the most important discovery in the history of mankind (well 2nd one, since we'd already found them 35 thousand years ago, but nevermind) just because he doesn't get to make first contact (technically second) within 2 FUCKING HOURS OF ARRIVING ON THE PLANET. Ignore that they haven't scanned 99.9% of the surface of the planet (Yeah, how about a couple of orbits for topography before we land? NAH IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YEEHAW!), ignore that maybe a race that had better tech than ours 35000 years ago might have, say, cryostasis pods. "Let's just fucking get drunk and jump to dramatic conclusions. Patience and logic are for fucking archaeologists. What are we? Oh."

That's right, they're morons. Actually, no. Morons don't destroy (in what must be movie history's single costliest unwilling destruction of property event) a trillion dollar mission in under a day all on their own. They're not morons. They're the guys from Idiocracy.

Tofu Man wrote:They're not morons. They're the guys from Idiocracy. :drunk:

I would totally watch a spin off film of a space flight put together by President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

As long as you got Frito Pendejo in there somewhere. That guy makes the best imbecile, on par wit Brad Pitt. Also, a pink, floppy dildo.

SF>Sci-Fi>"Syfy"

Fuck

Even Terminator got turned back into a slasher flick (which it was, originally, despite being a decent SF film). This is not to say that the sequels got better.
The TV show was a mixed bag, but I disliked the Chickinator.

I wonder if the next, next gen will be attempts at gritty "film verite" remakes.

Even if done as hipster irony, they would be a welcome improvement.

Aren't they making a new Ghostbusters?

But Egon died....

Hopefully that should put the kabosh on such a terrible idea.

Maybe they could fire Slimer and have Egon as the quirky ghostly sidekick?

They have <strike>better</strike> cg now.

I'm told Prometheus is getting a sequel and/or comics that link the movie in full detail to the AVP canon. Also, somewhere lost on Cracked.com is a link to the uncut Prometheus script that solves essentially every plothole prior to Damon Lindelof coming in and fucking up everything. Time will tell if any of it is worth the time taken to read/watch it.

Manoil wrote:Also, somewhere lost on Cracked.com is a link to the uncut Prometheus script that solves essentially every plothole prior to Damon Lindelof coming in and fucking up everything

Is that even possible?

Yeah, I recall reading it. Simple text document, nothing fancy. It's basically the manuscript to an unbroken dream

So. Kinda like the original script to Alien 3? Badass until Hollywood mucked things up?

Wolfman Walt wrote:So. Kinda like the original script to Alien 3? Badass until Hollywood mucked things up?

But they said it would cost too much to make.

Retlaw83 wrote:Hopefully that should put the kabosh on such a terrible idea.

Haha. Hahahahaha. Shit.
You have to put up with the rape of franchises from your childhood left, right and centre but no matter how bad it gets, it's at least amusing to know it can get so much worse that even 2014-jaded seems quaint only 5 years later.
WHO YOU GON' CALL? SOME BITCHES!