Duck and Cover

Koki · Post by **Koki** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:34 pm

Internet wrote:I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE: HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO: FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING: DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this � IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/300_%28film%29

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:47 pm

Didn't someone post that extact review already?

Koki · Post by **Koki** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:51 pm

I can't see it anywhere.

No matter, it's a good review.

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:56 pm

So the movie based on Thucydides' work?

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:44 pm

I think someone posted a link to it or something in the last 300 thread.

But still. I eagerly await the death of many bitches in this movie.

johnnygothisgun · Post by **johnnygothisgun** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:49 pm

Cimmerian Nights wrote:So the movie based on Thucydides' work?

thucydides covered the peloponessian war, dummy. herodotus is the one who covered the persian war, lololol

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:33 pm

As long as the integrity isn't compromised and they don't pander to troglydytes or anything...

emoutofthevee · Post by **emoutofthevee** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:06 am

What a shitty review.

The movie is based on Frank Miller's comic...

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:12 am

No way... I could've sworn it was a historical docu-drama.

Post by **Dogmeatlives** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 3:23 am

It's actually based on a bad case of the shits I had a few years back. I certainly felt like I was fending off the persian army. When does it come out anyway?

Wolfman Walt · Post by **Wolfman Walt** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 4:44 am

Friday.

emoutofthevee · Post by **emoutofthevee** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 12:52 pm

I KNOW that but that sucks. You know, it's like you make a historical movie based on historical (and fantasy) comic based on historical writings...
I have a feeling this movie will suck more than Troy...

Superhaze · Post by **Superhaze** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 1:13 pm

I dont think you will be able to compare this movie
to Troy, simply because this movie is supposed to
be a grand fucking god-of-war style overkill action.
Troy was just gay.

I rest my case..

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 2:20 pm

This movie is about a bunch of historically gay (but what seem to be relatively straight judging by the dancing naked females) men killing a shitload of bitches. Eat that Turkey. Back when your country meant a thing to the world.

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 3:41 pm

I guess you could say they were gay in the sense that they buggered young boys, but other than the anal sex they weren't gay gay.

jetbaby · Post by **jetbaby** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 3:47 pm

Only in the sense that, you know, women existed for reproduction and to cook meals, but that's about it. Who wants anal sex party/army campout?

johnnygothisgun · Post by **johnnygothisgun** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:17 pm

jetbaby wrote:This movie is about a bunch of historically gay (but what seem to be relatively straight judging by the dancing naked females) men killing a shitload of bitches. Eat that Turkey. Back when your country meant a thing to the world.

what does any of this have to do with turkey?

Thor Kaufman · Post by **Thor Kaufman** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:22 pm

jetbaby is probably referring to the east roman reich, with Konstantinopel aka Byzanz (byzantinian Reich) aka Istanbul and all that jazz, I think some greek, like Alexander (not sure) made at least that part of the roman empire strong after the downfall of the west roman part.

Cimmerian Nights · Post by **Cimmerian Nights** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:25 pm

Persian Prussians?

Thor Kaufman · Post by **Thor Kaufman** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:29 pm

What? Come to speak of it, what about the US invasion of Persia?