Duck and Cover

Sergeant Hamlin of the Bortherhood of Steel sat down, squashing his butt onto the brahmin leather. "Damn this rad-world." spat Hamlin, shoving a cigar in his gob. "Listen bub if you don't like it you might as well quit." said his boss, the beautful Monica Cellars, though her wingname was Reaper. Hamlin thought about it before having to open his big mouth again, sheesh. "I don't fancy my chances much out there...in the wastes. Between the ghouls, goblins and assholes I wouldn't know wether to shit or get off the pot, comprendez?" he said. Reaper just flicked him off, then waltzed out of there. "Who does she think she is, the queen of Sheba?" said Hamlin, laughing with nobody.

Suddenly the alarm bells started ringing. Hamlin put on his special power helmet and ran outside, only to be attacked by a mutie. "Damn mutie, get the fucking shit off me, god almighty. If only there was a way to stamp out this mutant problem once and for all." said Hamlin. The mutants brains exploded thanks to the cunning shot of a masked bandito. "Hey there, thanks for helping me out. What's your nick?" "They call me Vault Dweller. I'm come to town to kick some assholes." said the mysterious good shooter. Hamlin thanked his lucky stars, this was going to be one hell of a night.

Two hours later the two burly men were running around the sewers, shooting at giant rats and hoodlums. Hamlin screamed while firing his flamethrower, melting everything. Suddenly something bald and putrid leapt out of the water, it was another damn mutie! "I'm gonna get some serious rads now!" shouted Hamlin. "Damn freak of nature!" shouted the Vault Dweller, shooting the umbrella-like thing with a shotgun. They both kept shouting at each other, running around and shooting everything. A few ghouls, mutants. All that shit just kept coming and it was real tiresome work.

A few days later Hamlin stepped on a mine while exploring some ruins, blowing his legs to smithereens. On the dusty floor he wriggled about. "You've got to kill me man. I'm done. Go on without me." said Hamlin, starting to cough up blood. The vault dweller sneered, then grimaced. "Damn asshole, I don't want to waste a bullet on you. Come on, let's get out of here." said the vault dweller through clenched teeth. He picked up his wounded friend and set off running back to a town thirty miles away.

On the way there Hamlin started to feel faint. "Man. It's the rads." he panted. The Vault Dweller shook his head. "No goddamit. Why now? Where is Dogmeat? Yeaaaargh!" shouted the Vault Dweller, starting to shoot at a radioactive bear and some dogs. After he had shot all of them he suddenly understood how to heal Hamlin. "Don't worry dude, I'm here." said the Vault Dweller. "Oh...great job. Thanks." said Hamlin. They went on some other adventures but Hamlin died after a while.

:bravo:

:bravo bravissimo!:

I remember when I saw this piece performed in the Herfordshireburgville Center for the Performing Arts. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Megatron's heart-clogging portrayal of Sergeant Hamlin won him numerous awards, including the coveted Bethesda Story Dialog Award, previously only awarded by Bethesda Studios to itself.

Here is another Sergeant Hamlin story.

It was a cold, dark night. A frosty breeze flittered around Hamlin's head like rusty razor blades. "Damn, looks like I'm outta FUCKING smokes." he whispered through clenches, bad teeth! He brought up the cyber giga-orbscopes and looked out across the lifeless tundra, more dead and barren than his hometown was after the mutants had attacked it.

He was just a boy!

Anyway, Hamlin peeked at something. "Rover 12 o clock!" he shouted to his command buddy, Vic. Vic wiped his big black face from grease, sludge and toxic waste before he pummelled the key pad for his car. A machine gun and a rocket launcher popped out of the front and started firing at Rover 12, the ancient wartime secret monster that was the worst mutant ever, it had six arms and was covered in fur.

The rockets went through Rover 12's eyes and it blew up. "Happy fourth of july!" yelled Sergeant Hamlin, firing his machine guns in the air. Vic laughed, slapping his buddy high five. "Great job Hamlin. maybe we can go back to my shack, jerk off onto each other, you can finger my butt." "no thanks vic im not a fat gay old man like YOU!" said Hamlin, laughing back through clenched teeth. Vic was going to cry except there was no use crying over spilt milk. They drove on;

Captain Hook can go back to the 16th century

S4ur0n27 wrote:

I'd tap her.

Just so long as she didn't attempt to give me a handjob with the cheese grater.

I can actually see Hamlin in front of me while I'm reading the story. He is floating in the sky with a docile smile face and slobber coming out of his mouth.


Todd would be proud.

Sounds vaguely similar to the end of Happy Gilmore, Pooper.

I don't remeber that ending to tell you the truth. My ideas are usually not seen IRL.

Retlaw83 wrote:
I'd tap her.

Just so long as she didn't attempt to give me a handjob with the cheese grater.

seconded

remove the robot motivator first

Sergeant Hamlin struggled with the big leathery bat. It was a mutie alright. It had six eyes and six bleeding bell ends. "Die Devil Die" he shouted, shooting his minigun. And then it ran out of ammo. And then Hamlin pulled out his pistol and shot the bat in the guts. "Take that" said hamlin. And then he ran out of the mines into the harsh light of day just as suddenly an atomic bomb went off. A spooky voice said behind him "Hamlin, welcome to the wolf pack. We've been expecting you" said Mr. Black, the famous hitman and surgeon. "No way asshole, you can suck my a-hole!" said Hamlin, shooting NMr. Bllack in the faceeeeee