Duck and Cover

For motherfucking fuck's sake.

Fuck J.J. Abrams. Fuck that stupid asshole.

Romulans that look more at home in Mad Max than in Star Trek.

Motherfucking "EXTREME RADICAL TUBULAR" extreme sports fucking garbage, EXTREME CAR CHASE, EXTREME 90210 BAR FIGHT, EXTREME SPACE FUCKING PARACHUTING SCENE WITH HAROLD PULLING OUT A FUCKING KATANA BECAUSE HE'S THE TOKEN ASIAN.

Several scenes taken directly the fuck out of Star Wars including a monster fight on Hoth and a "platform battle" above a bottomless techno chasm.

The fucking idiot playing Spock acts identically to his shit character from heroes, if it wasn't for the writers writing him lines that sound like nemoy he'd spend the whole movie looking intently at people while he choked them and stalking around with his shoulders rolled forward.

"New Timeline" means one thing, pure and simple: Fallout 3. "We own this now and we're going to shit all over it for the new generation of people who heard about this franchise but never experienced it. They won't know what to expect other than character's names, if that. And anyone who does know what the fuck they're missing can eat a dick, they arn't a large enough market share to make one iota of fucking difference."

Jesus fucking shit. I can't believe they took something that was already pretty damn terrible (That's right, real Trekkies know how much the real Trek fucking sucked) and just added a ton of fucking stupid camera shake and motherfucking generic sci-fi bullshit and slapped a franchise name on it.

This movie would have been far more accurate to be called THE PRE-CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK as that's exactly what it feels like. If you were to change the lines to avoid mention of the enterprise, captain kirk, whatever the fuck else, you'd have the chronicles of fucking shittick with some stuff in it that looks like they ripped of the enterprise's ship design.

Honestly had I been Leonard Nemoy I'd have done this movie for the money and really kinda sadly just shaken my head at the entire thing. When he started Trek it was a shitty hack job and he probably considers the entire thing a shitty hack job all the way through. But to see one flavor of shitty hackjob replaced with complete run of the mill feces that wouldn't have flown anywhere other than a short lived sci-fi series on fox if it weren't for the name must be pretty painful, despite the deplorable condition of the entire Trek franchise lately with Bacula's shitty failure show.

The worst part? Exactly like motherfucking Oblivion and motherfucking Oblivion 2: Beyond LinearDome, a shit ton of complete chucklefucks really love it. That's the magic of J.J. Abrams, Todd Howard and other pseudo-talented assholes producing all these disgusting rehashes of franchises and ideas (Including that fucking garbage heap Heroes). They take things that fucking suck yet seem mildly intellectual to mildly stupid people and wrap them in a package that makes stupid people proud of themselves for participating in said green apple squirts slip and slide. Easy sales. "Hey, it's a shooter game where I can like pick my outfit while I do quests from World of Warcraft!" or in this case "Hey, it's Star Trek! Everyone knows about Star Trek! That's got Captain Kirk! Oh, and Spock! I assume it's pretty much like Star Wars, I mean they're the same thing only one was a TV show right? Grab a ticket man, there hasn't been a sci-fi movie that I wanted to see because I have had a positive impression ingrained in me by popular culture since the awesome new Star Wars movies! Some fuckin' geeks say they suck, but it's because they can't handle change!"

Watch Star Trek if you must, but for the love of fuck don't pay to see this raging shitpile. And J.J. Abrams, if you're reading this, I hope that in your Hell cell your fucking "work" is played 25/8 (that's right, there's more time and days in hell) on the walls so that you finally actually have to observe the fucking disgusting hack bullshit that you produce instead of just scribbling it down and handing it off as fast as you can to get the taste of being a talentless fucking giant penis washed out of your mouth with the taste of middle market, lowest common denominator fucking garbage heap asshole's approval. You fucking piece of shit.

Hahaha you are completely fucking retarded.

I grew up with Star Trek. Like, seriously, raised from the age of one. I probably have the same relationship to Star Trek that most children have to religion.

I was extremely skeptical about this new film. It was extremely important that they got things right. The new movie completely got things right. It was entertaining to non-trekkies, and it had enough of what made Trek good - before Voyager, before Enterprise and before the last few movies - that it really drew me in.

Your writing is literally incomprehensible, what the hell are you even trying to say? I can't figure out around all the "jesus cock shits" and "jj abrams sucks ultimate cock dicks" how exactly it's like Oblivion or Fallout 3 in any way.

It's more like a Battlestar Galactica reboot than either of those things. You are literally hitting the pinnacle of sperging nerd rage in comparing Star Trek to the games Bethesda makes.

where's my fucking invite:gnasher:

Pretty good review, I guess maybe I'm like those people who never played Fallout and think FO3 is the bomb diggidty. I never grew up on Star Trek and only saw the movies with the Next Generation actors so I don't have a deep bond with the series.

I liked Star Trek despite its faults to say the least. I think J.J. Abrams gets too much shit since I think he makes good movies like MI3 which was very good and underrated. I think everyone hates him because of his TV shows but judging just from his movies he makes good movies so far.

Yeah, I know a couple Trekkies who, though they noticed the tangent from canon history, were still impressed with it.

SuperH wrote: Battlestar Galactica

Yes, the "new" thinly veiled God is in the Kingdom of Heaven star Galactica is also commonly referred to as "just as shitty as fallout 3".

I really, really didn't write this review to get into a discussion with some "frack" using goniff about the merits of this steaming douche smoothie, but I must point out that you gave absolutely no mention of it's merit besides "Got things right" and "Non-trekies liked it" which was exactly my point. Of course the steaming duce-coated masses enjoyed it. It was as akin to Star Trek as any other action/adventure movie. Action/Adventure movies with spaceships sell pretty well. Ask the chronicles of riddick.

Name one single thing that was "got right" about this movie, from the point of view of someone who apparently has a religious devotion to Star Trek.

Was it the red suited parachute guy? Because boy howdy was it awesome to see that guy fall off the edge during the extreme sports scene in what was a less direct reference than that asshole abrams adding in his cloverfield drink to the bar scene? Or was it the space austrillians they tried to pass off as romulans?

Have you ever seen a single fucking episode of Star Trek?

Manoil wrote:Yeah, I know a couple Trekkies who, though they noticed the tangent from canon history, were still impressed with it.

Let me make it clear for anyone who is up in the air about it. It's not like they deviated from canon a-la Fallout 3 and shit things up. They literally went back in time and changed history so that the old Star Trek "Never Happened" quote un fucking quote from the movie. They spend a good four minutes explaining in absolutely no uncertain terms that nothing that "should have happened" will happen due to the fact that a romulan from the future who is nothing at all like a romulan went into the past a hundred years or so in his fucking giant battlecruiser and gave shitface abrams free license to write and do anything he wishes. And besides that plot device being a complete hackjob (par for the course) instead of SETTING IT RIGHT AGAIN (which is how ALL the "good Trek" time travel paradox hackjobs ended) he fucking just continues on his merry way down the cloverfield referencing battleshit gabageica path he's cleaveland steamrolled for himself because nobody who gives a fuck is a decent % of the market share.

I realize that most people simply don't give a fuck, and so this little tidbit is for you special boys and girls out there who see some fucking prick pissing all over something with their spraying cock in one hand and "free licence!" on a flag in the other (Todd Howard, you piece of shit) and actually go "Man, it would have been better if you just kept some of the old shit too. People liked that old shit, there was no real reason to change it."

Romulans:





New Romulans:



Now sure, you might say "But the Klingons changed back in the day!" FUCK! They changed into badass lobster head warriors from slavic dockworkers. I can handle that, it was an upgrade.

These guys changed from evil vulcans to mother fucking Jason Statham.





And that's not just the leader guy. They're ALL Wasteland Jason Statham. Apparently these days you don't design a racial costume and vary it per actor, you COPY JASON FUCKING STATHAM and make Spock an irrational villianesque super powers thief who spends a good deal of the movie alternately brooding at the wrong spots and playing Sylar in a wig all the rest of the time.

Speaking of Sylar, have you noticed that HE looks more like a romulan now than the romulans? That must be why they got changed to space aussies, because YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SPOCK WASN'T A COMPLETELY EVIL ROMULAN BASTARD FROM LOOKS OR ACTIONS IF THEY DIDN'T COMPLETELY CHANGE ROMULANS TO LOOK NOTHING LIKE VULCANS.

All the pictures of posters of that asshole from heroes playing spock I find have him pretending to look like nemoy "Inquisitive" on his face. That's good. He does look like Nemoy. Unfortunately during the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE his mug is twisted into an evil (Sylar) half grin. Exactly like the smug romulan look. Actually more just like a generic smug prick look which was all the shitty actors who played the original romulans could manage.

I wish I could change into Jason Statham.

So from what I gather, you're upset that some Romulan miners have tattoos (unlike the other Romulans they showed in the flash-forward) and that the guy who plays Spock's lips tend to naturally curl upward.

Given the fact most every Star Trek plotline can be considered a hackjob, your main complaint with this hackjob is it went to it's full conclusion instead of suddenly righting the world at the end?

Wolfman Walt wrote:I wish I could change into Jason Statham.

one of all time fav comedies eh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNniidsB6ks

I thought the movie was good but I also thought they fucked the romulans.

I am rather resigned to the fact that all arguments are going to turn into incoherently cyclic fuck fests. I am content in the knowledge that this movie was fucked hard and raped like an unconscious schoolgirl, and since the masses are always right that was a "good thing" and was well executed.

I love how you posted two Jason Statham pictures just in case we didn't get it from the first one. My rebuttal is that you really need to chill the fuck out. My suggestion is that you get stoned and watch the original show a bit, and soon you will realize that it was just a sci-fi show. No need to get worked up over it, dude.

Fallout fans have to look out for one another, so really just relax or you'll have a fucking heart attack by the time star trek 3 rolls around. Honestly, to me, I just enjoyed seeing any attempt at bringing the original crew back.

MadBill wrote:fucked hard..schoolgirl

Provided I'm not the school girl, I'm not really seeing the negative here. Infact, it sounds about like what I'm usually watching.

Dogmeatlives wrote:so really just relax or you'll have a fucking heart attack by the time star trek 3 rolls around.

I highly doubt that, it's quite a bit less work to type than it is to scream about something.

Let me ask you this, where did you really set the bar for this new Trek movie? Were you hoping it would be Harold and Kumar get giant allergy hands and fight with chrome katanas? Or are you simply complacent with the shit product that was produced because you really don't give a fuck past "Hey, it's Star Trek, I feel vaguely benevolent about the show because it's been a constant popular culture tradition for the entirety of myself and most of my peer's lives?"

I'm not like mortally offended that someone changed a few things up, I guess now that the entirety of that "will it blend: gi joes and penises" episode has kinda sunken in I realize that we couldn't possibly hope for better. Slapstick fucking water tubes you get teleported into and giant squishgar squigelf allergy hands. Utter lack of any kind of Gene R. style message past "RADICAL MAN, CHEATING WORKS AS LONG AS YOU'RE A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO GET HOME BEFORE THEY FOUND OUT YOU HAD A DAY OFF THAT LATER WAS NAMED AFTER YOU"

Was it a terrible movie? Yes. All Hollywood movies are motherfucking terrible. Was it exceptionally terrible for a sci-fi action adventure movie? Well, it certainly wasn't great, summer movie for tweens quality at best. But most importantly was it dumbed the fuck down about 80% and did it add "features" like F.A.T.S. (Fucking Asinine Transport Slapstick) that get a laugh out of the bottom of the Madden 09 barrel? Definitely.

I'll fight and die for your freedom to come into these great united internets and say you love the new Star Trek, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that you're a culture-less shitpanderer and that someone needs to take your money away from you that you spend on Oblivion and Star Trek and feed a fucking orphan or something. You should be the fuck ashamed.

I am hoping you choose to post more frequently. Your vitriol is warming.

Blargh wrote:

That was nearly comprehensible. <3

have you guys noticed that popscythe is

?

popscythe wrote: Was it a terrible movie? Yes. All Hollywood movies are motherfucking terrible.

Then how is your opinion on this particular movie any more special or different than your opinion on all other movies?

Being in the same position as Super H, I grew up with Star Trek. There's quite a few light-hearted moments in the original show, and all the Star Trek shows and movies have had their share of shitty, poorly executed ideas. Your hatred of this current movie seems to be based on some hatred of JJ Abrams (or whatever the director's name is - I don't pay attention to such things) and not the quality of the product itself taken in context of other Star Trek material.

The actors all nailed their parts - I didn't even recognize that it was Karl Urban playing McCoy - and it evoked a lot of what was great about the original show. Yeah, there were silly parts, and it lacked a blatant morality lesson, but it was no worse than something like "The Trouble With Tribbles" in that regard.

You keep comparing it to Fallout 3. Fallout 3 completely failed to capture the soul of the Fallout universe, and lacked every element that made its predecessors great - Star Trek doesn't.

Well, it felt like they were all screaming their parts: a caricature and not a character.