my first video game review

[Jeff]

Chepter 0: the mystery off video games boxing

i began writing this review before i even knew what i was going to review. that's literally the first sentence i wrote down okay. but it was destined to be this way. we never know where life will take us, we’re just here along for the ride. everything happens for a reason like god says, probably. in a sense you could say that i was born to review this video game, and you were born to read my review. well okay i guess that’s what the "vibe" of this "review" will "be" then i guess, we'll circle back to this. or won't.

wait what, why am i reviewing a video game again? well why do i anything? who am i? why do i bother? and why does any of this even matter? i think it boils down to this. kinda. let's get boiling okay: even though my mind is seemingly unfit for human habitation, for better or worse i'm still incapable of giving up on humanity -- myself included -- and i believe that is why i'm always on the lookout for some vector through which to connect with the social reality. i've tried ramming my first thru a bunch of these vectors over the course of my life, and none of my attempts have really worked long-term i don't think. out of step with the world and all that. guess that's a just a convoluted way of sayin "the world, like, doesn't get me, man" -- except i don't get me either, and it doesn’t seem like there’s a me to get to begin with, so what’s there to get? anyway, it's starting to look like this review is just my development-arrested brain skipping stones into the void and autofellating to the sexy self-interference patterns of the ripples. but who cares about the stone really, it's forever gone by now anyway, that's kinda how a void works (do i have to explain everything geez louie) but maybe the proverbial ripples are like the butterfly whose fluttering of wings will make a baby strangle himself in the womb one day, you know? you probably don't unless you’re a movie buff like me. aston kutcher, ever heard of him? psych*d!

but if you do, and even if you don't, doesn't really matter i guess, maybe there's something in these words that resonates with you, something that will evoke an emotional response of any kind. that's what this video game review is about i think: just another futile attempt to shatter the derealized fourth wall of my life, and, if you just want to know how i rate the game i haven't even decided i'm going to review yet, then, five stars, it's pretty great i guess, and, for the rest of you, i might as well tell you how it came to be that i decided to become a highly popular internet celebrity duck and cover video game reviewer with a big dick and lots of money.

Chapter X: welcome to the big leagues

pov: i'm no writer, change my mind. but i'd rather do things instead of coming up with reasons not to do them. i was told that there’s a lot of potential for failure in writing this, and i would agree if i chose to see my life as a series of successes and failures. thing is, i've sort of given up on that. maybe it's because that’d be a pretty bleak outlook, as my life would more or less amount to an an uninterrupted series of failures by any reasonable metric, notwithstanding my prestigious status as one of the most prolific dac posters. regardless, i try to view life as a process, or a series of parallel processes if you want to complicate things a bit; a fucking hermeneutic circle jerk if you will. like, when did i begin this review? was it the moment i wrote that first sentence, or perhaps when the thought of writing a review first occurred to me? what do the mental causal chains to which our thoughts are bound look like? i find independent origination of mental phenomena pretty friggin implausible, as if writing this wasn’t absolutely the present culmination of all of my life's experiences taking the form of a video game review. and when is the review "done"? does my posting it mark a clear boundary between the review and the non-review? sounds a bit arbitrary to me; i can go back and edit my posts, in fact i can do anything i fucken want u numbnuts. and even though/if the game objectively speaking stays the same, both the cognition and the emotion of my experience with it can be highly variable, even if i never touch the game again. can’t make up my mind, because nothing is ever made up. so how the fuck am i supposed to “review” this shit? i’m giving the game four stars now, fuck you game.

so does “done” mean leaving things as they are and falling into eternal forgetfulness or some dumb shit like that? perhaps finishing something, anything, is more like putting up a sign saying: this was me at this particular moment in time, deal with it (sunglass emoji). how can you fail at that -- unless you can't even put up a sign you fucking pencil-neck. i’m just saying, if you have the mindset that you cannot fail in life, that the absolute carwreck of your life will make for a great viral get-rich youtube clip for virtual passerbys to gawk at, that the review is never finished anyway so who fucking cares, then life starts to unfold into infinite potentialities. failing just means things didn't meet your expectations. abandon your hopes and dreams and failure becomes conceptually empty pretty much. of course that means you'll never succeed either. so what? maybe there are worse things in life than jumping off the hedonic treadmill to catch your fuckin breath and smoke a phatty behind the gym. i dunno, what am i your life coach? im barely a person mang. in conclusion: three stars

[Hyacinth]

TLDW
I was going to put a portrait of Hegel but wrote Hengel instead.

[Jeff]

looks tasty

[Jeff]

TLDW

aight, instating five word limit

[Jeff]

reaching my quota faster, too

[Hyacinth]

No I read it TLDW was referring to my lazy image