The Moderators Metapost...something from olde DAC forums

[Stainless]

Something I dug up from my comp is this little strange fic that was round robined by Bpen, AA and myself. Enjoy, and yes it is unfinished.

So read on and enjoy....
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The world was several billion years old, yet it was created merely ten seconds ago. They HAD
to give it the apperance of being old, for upon it, the culmination of a long and ancient
battle was to take place.

Two beings stood in the icy void of space, contemptously rebuking physics. After all, they
made the rules.. they could edit and break it on whim. Who was there to rebuke them?!

Well, those OTHER great beings, called the Admins, for one.. but they weren't too inclined to
interfere. They valued their sanity far too much..

But on the other end of the line, these beings did not. Hardly all-powerful, but close
enough to suit their aims.

"Earth..", one said. This was someone in a suit of blueish Combat Robes. He was leaning back
against the nothingness, and watched his creation with an ever-present grin. "Or would you
rather we rename it? It's a new world, after all."

"Nah, Earth is fine.", replied the other.. being. It floated, and absorbed the sight its
single large eye. From within its spherical body, a tentacle poked out, and slithered out
to point at another far-off planet. "Uranus..", it said. "We only need Earth, but you built
the entire solar system, you overkilling fool... oh, it's good to see my home planet again!!"
It wiped a nostalgic tear from its eye. "When this is all over, I'm going there repopulate
it again.."

"Uh.. right.", B-pen relied. "Where's Stainless?"

"Bloodbath wrecked Slave II... it's going to take time to hitchike here."

"..."

"Let's call the contenders."

"Wait! We still don't have a viable chracter sheet. What's to stop those buggers from god-moding?!"

"What's to stop US from god-moding?"

"... argh.", B-pen agh'ed. "Okay, okay.. want a guided tour of the battlements?"

"Let's wait until Stainless gets here."

And conviniently, Stainless DID appear, streaking towards them, strapped to his Ubercharged
JetPAC(tm). And in the true Manadlorian fashion, he greeted them with the traditional cry
of a warrior wearing an Ubercharged JetPAC(tm).

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLPPMEEEEEEEEEMAKE
ITSTOPMAKEITSTOOOOOOOOPPPPP!!!!!!!!", he valiantly shouted as he shot past them. He was
seriously considering the concept of stopping his ride, when the moon decided it for him.

A small cloud of lunar dust marked where he impacted. "There's goes another
crater for the books..", B-pen intoned. "It will henceforth be known as the Pirate's Butt Landing."

"...", said the Uranasian, named Apostles' Ass. "Let's just go..(before you start using me
for slapstick humor as well)"

Both Uranusian and the Blue Robed maker floated apart, eyeing the moon carefully, waiting...

"Stainless may require an extraction." Spoke the purple of the two.

"Ugh..." agh'ed B-pen again. "I'm allergic to moon dust"

"You wait here then, be right back"

The long tentacle atop the Purple Uranusians head wiggled in increased agitation, the violet flame of his aura blossomed. His red robes of neutrality swished and shimmered in the moonlight. Then he was gone.

Blinking, B-pen mumbled. "Sheesh, why does he have to be so dramatic?"

For centuries these Three have watched over the cosmos in omni-present centrality. Watching the motions of Time, the constant rush of linearity within the Universe, the shifting weight of atoms within molecules.

Theirs was the duty of vigil. Now their task was altered, they were given the responsibility of Making. Creating. Willing the future to be.

In their future was the distinct outline of battle. There was no side stepping this one. It's waiting was like the poisoned thorn protruding from their backside. Now they were here to face it, forging it's battleground and fashioning it's participants through the deep wisdom of their prescient consciousness.

"Character sheet be damned! I'm all for beginning this thing now."

Bluepencil whirled to discover Apostle's Ass behind him, clutching an unconscious Stainless by the helmet.

"I wish you wouldn't frighten me like that!"

"Sorry 'bout that." Apostle's Ass chuckled... "lights?"

"No thank you, nicotine won't ease our task."

"Ok." Apostle's Ass lighted his smoke from the charred components of Stainless's armor.

Puffing contentedly on his Marlboro, the Tentacled Alien wondered calmly when his Armored friend would return to consciousness. Then...

"Will you shtop shqueeshing my helmesh AA!" Retorted a newly wakened Stainless through two missing teeth.

"Your welcome." Replied Apostle's Ass. "Must've hurt eh?"

"Not at all, I'fe had rougher landingsh."

"Well, let's get outta here. This space flotsam is ruining my robe."

"Aight. You ready Stainless?" Asked a slightly pre-occupied B-pen.

"Yesh! What are we waithing for! Leth go!"

In space, outside earth's orbit, three bright lights flared up. One blue, one purple, and the other silvery white. Burning into intense brightness, they suddenly streaked towards the outer recesses of earth's atmosphere.

The three figure went through the earth's atmosphere at blinding speed, parting clouds and creating thunder storms around the globe. The three beings stopped inches from the ground, except Stainless who (still hasn't gotton the hang of stopping correctly) ploughed into the ground.

"I gotta stop doing that." Splutered Stainless

The two figures hovered like supreme beings over the small crater that Stainless had left.

"Should we help him?" Inquired the alien to his friend, pointing a tenticle at Stainless.

"Nah. Sod the bastard. He should practice more like we do." chuckled the robed figure

Stainless helped himself up, gave the thumbs up and in his ultimate glory said "I claim Australia!" before raising the land up to cover the crater.

Stainless pulled out another Ubercharged jetPAC(tm) and joined the two hovering beings.

The three beings hovered there for hours on end contemplating the fate of this new world before Stainless piped up and said with aggitation in his voice "Can we speed this up please, My er Ubercharged JetPAC(tm) is getting low on fuel."

"very well." Replied the robed figure

The three beings slowly decended onto the ground

"Oh, The grass feels tickly between my toes!" cried the purple creature

The other two beings looked at their friend oddly and took their shoes off

"ooowww it IS tickly" said the shoeless robed figure in delight

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and one Mandalorian needed to take a piss.

Bpen was engaged in the utter philosophical bliss of feeling grass under his feet when Stainless calmly and judiciously hit him. Very hard. On the jaw.

He toppled backwards, and touched the welting bruise. "What was that for?!", he shouted angrily.

Stainless, however.. could only look on with shock. "W-we're mortal..", he stammered.

The Uranasian had by this time, morphed into a human form. "Looky, a village..! I found a villa- what happened here? Why do I have this sudden feeling that someone just screwed up mightily?"

Stainless pointed to Bpen. "Because he did! We're mortal!"

"Bpen?"

"Ow. Check. Pain... yes, we're mortal.", he mumbled. He pointed a finger at a nearby tree trunk and cocked his thumb.

The tree swayed slightly in the breeze.

"Special powers gone, too.."

He then was instantly floating in the air, then being slammed into the ground, many many times. "My native Uranasian abilities are unaffected, though.."

"YOU WANT TO STOP US FROM GOD-MODING!?! GIVE ME BACK MY SUPERPOWERS AND TREMENDOUS MANHOOD!!!", the bounty hunter yelled.

Bpen smacked him.

"Sorry.. I can't."

"WHAT?! But this is your rea-"

Bpen cut him off. "Once again, I'm sorry.. but this isn't my reality. Not any more.. the moment you responded, this became your reality as well. Perception is the cement that holds entire worlds together.. and someone just KrazyGlued us to this."

"Who would be powerful enough to do that?", AA asked, smirking.

"Who else?"

"The Admins?", Stainless asked.

"I dunno. maybe. More probably this will evolve into a great quest for us to find our powers, meet up with a world-destroying evil, and etcetera.."

"You're spoling it, Bpen..", Stainless warned.

"Hey, that's the formula.. we don't necessarily have to follow it."

"Why don't we go look at that village I found?"

"Sure.. but just a moment please.."

And lo! Bpen brought out from nothingess a magnificent wooden mallet(Akane Tendo Brand(tm)), and procedded to reduce the hardsuited Mandalorian to a streak of mush on the forest floor.

"Cool.. my pocket dimension still works. Looks like we're allowed two superabilities each..", he said with grin. "That's payback, buddy.."

"Urgh.", was the invincible Bounty Hunter's reply. The 3 humanoids decended onto the village. each looked differently in apperance but all shared the same goal. To get their immortallity and super powers back. The village was small and smelly. It was inhabited by simple tribal villages, much to AA's delight. As the three journeys men entered they swarmed onto them like a swarm of mosquitos onto a burst vein. They quickly overran Bpen and AA and stopped at the Mandolorian figure.

They dropped down to their knees and started to bow down, to what seemed, their god.

"Erm....ok." stuttered Stainless

"What the fucks going on here?" asked AA angerily "they should be bowing before me, not you."

A small child pushed past the crowd of worshipers and handed Stainless something. It was a....Boba Fett action figure.

Bpen quickly grabbed the toy "Damn it man, I thought we agreed that we wouldn't merchindise until we had found our powers!"

"Well, how can I resist? I wasn't going to lug around 500 boxes of action figures, was I!" exclaimed the bounty hunter in his own defence.

"Damn, maybe I should of jumped the cue and released my sex toys." grumbled the Uranusian.

"Well looks like theres only one thing to do." decided Bpen

"Whats that?" asked Stainless and Apostle's Ass at the same time

"The answer's obvious isn't it? We just blow this village to the shit house." pointed out Bpen

And so the three beings left what was to be their start of terror and destruction........

While the others went around frightening the sit out of the village, Bpen decided to meander around town, and loot the headman's treasury. After ll, what was he use of a Pocket Dimension if you don't put anything in it.

As he slid piece after piece of jewelry, semiprecious stones, and golden idols under the sleeve of his robe... one artifact caught his attention. He hefted in, it was just a wooden carving, in the shape of a penguin. Carved in the back however, written in ominous glowing runes, were the words, "Bite me, and face eternal damnation."

And in a moment of pure idocy(ie, normal behaviour), he bit the statue in the right flipper. Wooden sushi?

The idol then began to pulse with unearthly energy, and with a pop!, the warrior encapsulated within came to life.

"Me Tux! Tux..ANGRY!!", it cried.

And it began to savagely attack his left toe.

*grumble grumble grumble* Grumbled the slightly annoyed Uranusian at having to endure the soul wrenching agony of mortalization.

"Dag nabbit, I knew that B-pen would fuck up somewhere!"

"Look Stainless, you and I being Knights and all have the responsibility of being kind, courageous and, uhh..."

"Handsome?" Asked the Mandelorian.

"Hmm... I'm not sure, let's consult the book of Knighthood"

"Where is it?" Asked the Mandelorian again.

"I thought it was with you"

"Nope... oh look girls!" Exclaimed Sir Stainless.

"What'r 'girls'?" The Uranusian wondered as he stared at where Stainless was pointing enthusiastically.

"Y'know! Kinda like us, except... they have a hole."

"ooohhhhh..."

Stainless stared at Apostle's Ass who was grinning from ear to ear. Dark schemes whizzing through his head at faster-than-light-speeds.

"Uh, you stay here Sir Stainless while I go take samples of these so called 'girls'."

"..."

AA came back from his 'exercise' sweating like a pack mule.

"I like these, things you called, girls" grinned the Alien

"Erm....where's Bpen?" inquired Stainless searching around for their fellow immortal-no-more.

"I'm righ....fucking thing get off me....here." said Bpen turning the corner. The small Penguin was firmily attached to Bpen's toe and refused to let go.

"heh...nice shoe Bpen." joked the mandolorian knight

AA picked up a stick and started poking the 'thing' in the back

"Is this another sort of 'girl', Stainless?" asked the alien.

Stainless blinked once...then twice then thrice. A small sense of bastard came over him as he looked at the pengiun and AA. Stainless then calmily said.... "Why yes it is AA, how observante of you"

Bpen's face then went red as AA took it upon himself to do a cavity check on Tux, while it was still attached to Bpen's toe.

Anguished screams of pure agony tainted the newborn sky as the smallish-penguinish-thingy latched to B-pens toe was subjected to the Traditional Uranusian Welcome.

"nice and tight..." Commented a slightly preoccupied Apostle's Ass

"Let me have a look at that." Replied Sir Stainless.

"Here you hold this tentacle, I'll hold the other one."

All three demi-gods-made-mortal paused for a brief moment to think on whether anything good was being desecrated.

"Nah"

Back to work it was: poking, pricking, tickling, stroking, and at some points spanking the miniature warrior.

"I envision a whole new profession here." Started a very bright eyed Uranusian.

"Uh, perhaps. But don't you need a license for this sort of thing?" Stainless asked.

The one-eyed alien stared aghast at Stainless. "License, What license?! Who needs that kind of crap, I'm Apostle's Ass for God's sake! That's license enough."

"But..." Stainless started.

"Just get the frickin' thing off my beautiful toe!!!" Interrupted the forgotten B-pen.

"Get it off! Get if off! GET! IT! OFF!"

After several struggling hours, Stainless finially managed to seperate the penguin from AA (or AA from the penguin). The two knights then grabbed the penguin and Bpen and tried to seperate the two, much to the penguins displeasure. But to no avail they couldn't get the thing off. Then AA got a bright idea, and started to voice his plan. "This little bastard isn't going to get off." pointed out AA "So we'll just have to improvise a little"

"erm...what do you mean, AA?" asked Bpen

"just hold stiiiill, this won't hurt a bit, unless I miss then it's going to hurt like hell." replied AA, brandishing his Ass-Kicking-Sword(tm) and raised it above his head.

AA brought down the sword with a mighty swing but missed, due to his lack of depth perception, severing the toe from Bpen's foot instead of cleaving the Pengiun's beak in two.

"Oh well, still got it off." explained Stainless, as Tux sat down and started to munch on Bpen's severed toe.

Bpen howled in pain as his foot pissed out blood like a bursted dam.

"You son of a bitch, AA. I'll kill you!! What the fuck are you laughing at Stainless, you'll be after him!"

"Hey, want did I do?" protested the Bounty Hunter

"Looks like another reason to regain out immortallity fella's" said AA amusingly

And so the three beings walked off into the sunset laughing, except Bluepencil who was still rather pissed about his toe.

[Bluepencil]

Stainless! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!! :twisted:

[Tank]

Is it just me, or does the term "uranusian" sound like Your Anus, Ian!??? What's up with that? Yes, his anus! It's not that damned hard to understand, goddamnit!

[Stainless]

Well, olde forum regular, Apostle's Ass had this pink alien head thing, which always wore different hates, as his avatar.

We simply called a Uranusian because of Uranus.

[HackerZero]

I wonder where AA went...

[Stainless]

He was doing a Fligt training course a while back. I'd say he's either doing that still or doing some job.

[Archchancellor]

He pokes his head up at the illuminati every now and then for one post than leaves

This was his latest comment

I've been holed up in backyard land lately. Mics and chords and guitar licks baby.

I don't even want to try understand it

[Stainless]

Sounds like a band

*Pictures AA in a garage band*

*shudders*