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Spaghetti Western

Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2003 11:37 am
by Kashluk
Prologue

Nearly 100 miles north from the rapidly growing city of Arroyo, near the ruins of an ancient city once known as "Springfield", lies a group of buildings. Three two-story houses made of pale stone were the homes of the people who lived there. Average sized log wood building was the combined hunting cabin and slaughterhouse. The last one was a small shed made of planks and sheet iron and it worked as a storage. The buildings formed a rectangle and in middle of them was a perfectly working well. Purification machinery had been scavenged from the nearby ruins.

Further away were the fields, growing mutated corn and wheat. The ground would've not grown crops that well if the owners hadn't scavenged (again) fertilizers from the nearby ruins. Huge herd of brahmins were pasturing on the fenced grass field nearby.

What about the people who lived there? Well, that was the most interesting part. Three farmer families had united their strength in order to survive in the Wasteland. The Elwoods had been living peacefully near Vault City until they had been caught in cross-fire in a fight between city patrol and marauders. Grissom Elwood's only son was killed in that fight and blinded by his anger, old Grissom decided to move his family somewhere far away from the darker sides of mankind. The Smiths used to be a homeless bunch, drifting from town to town, doing miscalleanous and even a bit bizarre work. One day Mary Smith, the mother, got a tip from a pub owner in The Den. The pub owner adviced them to go north. He told her, that there were lots of forgotten treasures in that direction, propably just to get rid of her. The Fernandez were running a family business in New Reno. They had been dealing guns, liquor and general merchandise with the exception of drugs. It had been their strongest principle and their weakest point - the Mordinos didn't like opposition in their own backyard and burned their store. Fortunately Antonio, the youngest son, had woken up in the smell of smoke and warned the others in time. The Fernandez knew that they could not return to New Reno ever again. Mordinos would hunt them down. Driven by that fear they escaped to north.

These three families bumped into each other at the ruins of Springfield. They took all what they needed from there and built their houses, they captured wild brahmin and bartered with merchants down south. Ten years later, in the present day, this spot of empty Wasteland had turned into a prospering little community. But gloomier days were to come...
ELWOOD
the genepool offers impulsive emotions, artistic talent, love for the nature, empathy and skills in the art of diplomacy

Grissom + Wanda
- Jane (married a man from Klamath)
- Jenna (healer in the dying town of Broken Hills)
- Judy (Hub's new librarian)
- Janice
- Judith
- Josie

SMITH
the genepool offers physical strength, endurance, honesty and skills in many kinds of work

Elliot + Mary
- Susan (lives in New Reno)
- Michael (married a woman from Arroyo)
- Tony (married a woman from Arroyo)
- Lisa
- Jeff

FERNANDEZ
the genepool offers ambition, hunger for adventure and skills in trade and art of war

Miguel + Sheila
- Gabriel (lieutenant in the NCR Rangers)
- Rafael (travelling merchant)
- Trinidad (married a man from Redding)
- Alfonso (married a woman from Modoc)
- Carmen
- Isabel
- Antonio
Chapter I

Antonio was returning from his hunting trip. His brown trenchcoat and stetson were covered in blood and dust, because the geckos had been a bit more aggressive than usual. He was dragging five average ones behind him. His mother was waving from the window. She really hated all kind of violence, including hunting. The time they spent on New Reno was really rending her nerves. That's why she always freaked out when Antonio went out in his "battle outfit" but was more than pleased when he came back in one piece.

Antonio opened the cabin door, slammed the geckos on a wooden table, put his .223 hunting rifle in a weapons locker and started undressing. Skinning the lizards with the equipment on would be a living hell, mainly because his trenchcoat had a steel plate lining. He put most of his clothes hanging on the rack and sat on a chair in front of the gecko-covered table. He took a long, wide and sharp bladed, but blunt tipped knife from the scaffold and began skinning.

Meanwhile Jeff Smith, nicknamed "Stonewall" because of his incredible strength, was plowing the field. It would've been weird to do so this time of year if they weren't rotating crops. He was pulling the plough with one of their many bull brahmins. He was totally unaware that Janice, one of Grissom Elwood's many daughters, was watching him. She followed carefully how the sun glimmered on the sweat flowing down Jeff's muscular, and most imporantly, naked torso. But just before her lips would've begun to shake she hears her father's wretched voice calling for her: "Jaaaaaanice! I'm thuuuurstyyyy!" She sighs and goes back inside to mix her pops another NucaCola-Rotgut.

Lisa, Jeff's sister, is in the corn field, checking out the quality of the growing crops. She walks around barefoot, the wind waving her light blue dress. She takes a deep breath of fresh air and closes her eyes. It feels like a Heaven on Earth. Then she smells something strange. A nasty odor stings her nose and as she opens her eyes she sees a bunch of dirty raiders in front of her. She gasps as the raiders draw their knives. They force her to the ground and one of them starts unzipping his trousers. Lisa screams as loud as she can, but another raider smacks her and closes her mouth with his hand.

Jeff startles as he hears the scream. He drops the plough and runs towards the direction where he heard the noise, shouting at the same time: "Lisa! Lisa! Where are you?!" Antonio understand that there's something wrong and dashes through the door in his underwear, wielding the hunting rifle. Judith, the most realist of Elwood girls, leaves her laundry and grabs the .44 revolver she's been hiding from her dad. They all run to the corn field from different directions, but the corn is so tall that they can't find Lisa. Then, after a while of running back and forth, Jeff sees Lisa and dozen raidres in front of him. "You bastards! You fucking fucking fucking..." he screams and charges towards them. Jeff punches the first raider in the face, breaking his nose. Then takes a grasp from the raider raping his sister. Jeff pulls the raider away and kicks him in the head several times until he stops moving. But when he turns back to the other raiders, he sees one of them holding a knife on Lisa's throat. "Ye move an inch 'n we'll cut 'er throat!"

Right after raider says those words a loud bang is heard. Raider's forehead explodes into little bits from the power of forty-four magnum. Lisa, still shocked from the rape, panics and runs to the house. Judith stands still and fires again, this time hitting another raider in the chest. A big raider, wearing lots of leather and chains, takes his cattle prod and thrusts Jeff with it. Jeff shakes as the electricity is being pumped to him and falls to his knees. But the battery has been nearly used up. Suddenly the shaking ends and when realizing this, Jeff punches the raider in the groin as hard as he can. The raider falls to his knees as well and then Jeff smashes the raider's nose through the back of his skull with his elbow.

A raider trying to escape suddenly bumps into Antonio. They're both surprised, but being faster Antonio hits the raider with the butt of the gun. He smacks the raider a few more times with it and then runs to the others. The five of them still alive try to run away, but Judith and Antonio are not going to let them get away with it that easy, so they shoot them in the back.

The rest of the occupants arrive to the spot, where the raping took place, quickly after this. Elliot Smith, Lisa's father, is swinging his baseball bat wildly. "Those punkasssonsofbitchesgoodfornothings GOD DAMN!" His wife tries to calm him down: "Elliot, watch your tongue." "But Mary, these punks hurt my daughter... They took away her innocence... Fuck sake, I'm too old for this." "So are you finally going to listen to my advice about arming ourselves?" says an old man with a slight latino accent. Miguel taps nervously his double-barrelled shotgun. Old Grissom stays quiet. The wounds left from his son's death were torn open when he saw the dead raiders on the field. He drops a few tears. "No... No..." "But, dad" Judith objects "Those raiders were trying to rape Lisa! If we hadn't been there in time, they might've killed her!"

The old man turns grim and shouts to his daughter: "You aren't bringing any guns into my house as long as I'm alive and kicking! You hear me, girl?" "By the way, where IS Lisa?" Judith asks. "Wanda, Carmen and Isabel are taking care of her", Sheila, Miguel's wife, answers. Jeff and Antonio stay behind to drag away the bodies and strip them off from anything useful as others return to the farm. "You know, Antonio..." "Yeah?" "This kind of stuff didn't happen so often few years ago." "Yup, tell me about it." "Something's ruining up the neighborhood..." "Nah, it's just called 'rebuilding civilization'."

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2003 9:44 pm
by Kashluk
Chapter II

Tomorrow the people of the community arranged a meeting. They all gathered to the Elwoods' house to think over the heatening situation. Everyone except Lisa and her mother Mary were taking part.

The heads of the families were in the middle of the largest space in the house, the combined citchen - dining room. Their wives and children were in a circle around them. Nervous whispers were running around the crowd: "We should've not listened to the old Grissom in the first place", "We should never resort to violence", "I think everyone of those Fernandezes is hot-blooded". The three old men; bald Grissom, beer-gut Elliot and moustache Miguel, argued loud.

Grissom: "This is insane! We've always tried to keep us away from needless weaponry, remember why?"
Miguel: "Because you're so dumb, eh?"
Grissom: "Because guns kill! The more guns, the more people are going to die! I've seen enough death take place in my time..."
Elliot: "You ain't the only one, G, but we must defend ourselves!"
Grissom: "We will only end up with a bloodlust."
Miguel: "If you take the bad guy out first, you won't."
Grissom: "That's what I've been telling you guys all these years! If you go around shooting everything that moves, the bullets will come back some day. Not literally speaking of course, but..."
Elliot: "No, G, you're wrong. Dead men tell no tales, they stay cold."
Miguel: "You hear him, you old fool?"
Grissom: "Aah, you shut up, Miguel! Your temper has always gotten us in trouble. Remember when.."
Miguel: "This is no time to start remembering old things, Grissom."
Elliot: "Hey, guys, guys! GUYS! SHUT UP, OK?!"

Everyone goes quiet. Then Elliot takes a deep breath and says with a calm voice: "Let's vote. One vote for every member of the family..." "... the kids as well??" Grissom interrupts. "Your own daughter is the youngest of us and she's 15, can you call anyone a kid? Ok, so we'll vote. Let's split up." Elliot puts a chair in the middle of the floor and stands on it. "Those who agree, that we should be more active on defending ourselves, please move to my right side and those who think that we shouldn't, please move to my left side."

After a while it seems that old Grissom's alone on the left side. "So it has been decided", Miguel states with a self-satisfied smile on his face, "we're not taking the oppression any longer." Miguel points Antonio, Jeff and Judith to come to him. "Kids... You showed your reaction speed and courage yesterday. I want you three to come with me." "But papa, where are we going?" "Get the guns, just like we voted. Den is close enough and good enough. Pack your stuff, we'll be leaving in a few days." "But", Jeff muttered. "No, buts! Your parents know the situation and I'll be taking care of you three. Don't worry, it'll be fine - just think of it as shopping."

Few days later, three to be more exact, Antonio in his steel plated trenchcoat, Jeff in his torn jeans and ancient t-shirt and Judith in her ordinary dark brown dress were standing near the well. They were waiting for Miguel. Janice comes running from the brahmin fence. She had just prepared their cart. The bags next to the enthusiastic travellers would fit in the cart with ease. Janice stops when she reaches Jeff. She catches her breath against Jeff's chest, then gives him a big wet kiss on the cheek and whispers: "Take care... I wanna see you come back in one piece." Jeff, being a bit confused that a girl who he has grown with suddenly shows such feelings towards him, thanks her and slowly turns his head away. Janice runs back to the house.

Then the door of Fernandez's house opens and Miguel walks out. Two revolvers hanging from both sides of the gun belt, brahmin leather vest decorated with two switchblades, leather trousers and steel-tipped cowboy boots nearly sparkle in the sun. "Can you kids smell it? Oh, yes, it's called *adventure* hahahaha!" Judith snickers and looks to Antonio: "Now I finally understand where you've inherited that style of yours!"

All members of the families, except Grissom, were waving at the travellers. Two strong brahmins began pulling the carts slowly, but steadily. Later on, as they had already ridden nearly 20 miles, Jeff began checking out the stuff others had packed. He started rearranging some things that annoyed him, like the water canisters out in the sun light. They would be boiling before they reached Den. The food was mainly packed in the bottom, which means it's squashed by stuff like ammo and cloth. Disorder was one of the few things Jeff didn't like.

Antonio was making sure his rifle would not get filled with sand when the first wind blows. He wrapped cotton towel around the gun chamber and tightened it with a piece of string. He had just oiled his beauty last night, so it should be just fine if they encountered wild dogs or something. Judith was thinking about her future. She had cried like a baby, when her older sister Judy, moved to Hub to become a librarian as the old one retired. Judy loved books and civilization of all kind, so she was a lot happier there than she would've been back in the farm, but no matter what were the reasons Judith couldn't stop crying at that time. Judy was her "best big sister". Now Judith was old enough herself to move onward in her life. Maybe she should take a husband from some random guy in the wastes who just seems decent. Or maybe try to build a career in the wrecked post-apocalyptic world as a merchant. Or why not even try to get in Vault City medical training and become a doctor, like her other sister Jenna. Who knows?

Night was falling down the sky and the group decided to build a camp near some various cliffs. Easy spot to protect, safe from wind and safe from rain. They had a good night sleep that night.

Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2003 9:21 pm
by Kashluk
Chapter III

In the morning, they started cleaning up their mess. The blankets, the campfire... Jeff was working like an ox, carrying stuff from point A to point B, back and forth, whenever he was told to do so. "I couldn't live a life like that," Antonio mumbled to himself. He threw his coat on the cart and helped others to pack. After a minute they were back in the move again.

"So", Judith asks, "how long is this trip going to take?" Miguel thinks for a while, playing with his moustache at the same time, and answers: "Four to six days, darling. Four to six days." Judith sighs and laughs a bit "And don't you call me darling, Miguel, you ain't my pops."

The daytime of the travelling was boring. And the nighttime was even more boring. All you did was sleep, travel, drink, eat, sleep, travel, drink, eat and so on and so on. The worst part of being bored is, that you "loose your edge". Your reactiontime slowers and your instincts don't work as they should. Our travellers found that out, when they were one early evening attacked by a supermutant.

The mutant wasn't carrying any guns, so it wasn't part of the Master's army remnants. The mutant's skin was very pale, not that green at all, but the creature itself was huge. Not that Jeff, Antonio, Miguel or Judith had seen a supermutant before, but they never thought it could've been that enormous. The thing just appeared from nowhere - jumped down from a rocky mountain they were passing by. It landed around 40 feet away from them and started growling very loud. Everyone freaked out, except Antonio. He always knew what to do first before getting scared: pull out your gun.

He jumped from the front seat to the back, over Judith, and started opening the package where his rifle was in. He had just pulled out the string, removed the towel and started looking for ammo when he heard the shots. His father, Miguel, had drawn his revolvers and jumped out of the cart. He was firing them and slowly moving backwards. The horrific beast was hit in the chest several times with .357. The beast came closer to Miguel, moving faster and faster. The bullets didn't seem to have any effect on the mutant's thirst for human blood. Then Judith jumps out of the cart, moves behind the beast and starts shooting the tall supermutant in the back. As Miguel runs out of rounds, the beast turns to see what is going on behind it. Judith freaks out. She pulls the trigger, but that's the seventh time. There's nothing more than a dry click as the beast turns again and now leaps for Miguel.

While the mutant's in the air, Antonio takes his aim and fires. The .223 hits it's face slanting, causing the mutant's left eye pop out and the right one cover in it's own green blood. As soon as it falls on Miguel, it rises up and starts roaring real bad, holding it's eyes. Miguel, knocked down on the ground, tries desperately to reload his gun. Jeff throws Judith a box of ammo and Judith starts doing the same thing as Miguel. Antonio watches the mutant roar - it's bloody face was Antonio's victory goblet. Jeff looks at his friend, who just watches the beast and yells out: "Give me that!" He grabs the rifle and empties the magazine to the supermutant. Then he gives it back to surprised Antonio and jumps out of the cart. He runs over the the mutant and climbs up it's back until it reaches it's upper torso. Then he starts beating the mutant's head as fast as he can. By the time others get their guns reloaded, the beast's is no more than a shaking bulb of blood on the hot Wasteland sand.

Jeff's arms were covered in that mutant blood and they spent rest of the evening trying to figure out a way to wash it out. After they set up the camp again and everyone had gone sleeping, Miguel thought to himself: "Damn. If this journey ain't making these kids adults, it's going to make them insane. So much violence for so young eyes..."

Days were passing by like wind in the sandstorms. Soon they had reached Den - and without any more conflicts against the Wasteland's inhabitants. The first image of the town could've not been messier: stoned junkies were running around their cart, there was a gunfight between some local thugs and Tubby was hitting his whores out in the public again. Everyone, but especially Jeff, frowned in disgust as they rode through the town and parked their cart. "Ok, kids", says Miguel, "This is the time we've all been waiting for!" He shows a big, wide smile.

Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2003 11:12 pm
by Fang_Teng
Nearly 100 miles north from the rapidly growing city of Arroyo, near the ruins of an ancient city once known as "Springfield", lies a group of buildings.
'A group of buildings' seems to end that sentence abruptly. I mean, it's kind of a given that buildings would exist at the site of an ancient city.
The ground would've not grown crops that well if the owners hadn't scavenged (again) fertilizers from the nearby ruins
I think it's kinda dumb of me to point out mistakes and yet not know what's exactly wrong. In this insteance 'that well' sounds awkward, so maybe some rewording would help.
Huge herd of brahmins
that's either A huge herd of brahmins, or huge herdS of brahmins.
He put most of his clothes hanging on the rack and sat on a chair in front of the gecko-covered table
He put most of his clothes on the rack
OR
He hung most of his clothes on the rack
the most realist of Elwood girls
'realist' works, but I only remember the word appleid to politics in regards to someone that believes that only power is considered. so I'm unsure about this one.

The dialogue that begins with the sentence 'The rest..' would be better if each new piece of dialogue was a new line. It's more organized that way.


CHAPTER II
think over the heatening situation
disheartening - discouraging
citchen
weed

Need to edit the dialogue a bit more (just like the last chapter)

Chapter III
Jeff was working like an ox
2 things that are wrong with that line:
1) Cliche. Generally cliches are bad. Try to come up with a new saying.
2) I don't think people in the Fallout world would know what an Ox was.
The worst part of being bored is, that you "loose your edge". Your reactiontime slowers and your instincts don't work as they should. Our travellers found that out, when they were one early evening attacked by a supermutant.
"lose your edge"
"reaction time slows"

"Our travellers" - That's a point of view shift to 2nd person I think. Try to keep consistently in third person.

Mutants have green blood?


General thoughts: I like the use of gene pool as a way to define the characters, it's pretty much one of the first times I've seen it used in a fan fic. I like the Fernandez charactaers Miguel and Antonio and feel they were strongly defined.

I think we need to see more of Jeff, his responses and such. You establish that he likes order by his action of organizing the cart and disgust at the chaos at the Den. You could drive the point home some more by adding some more description in that sense.

All in all, it's a good action story of small town people on an adventure. You captured some elements of it very well. You just need to organize your grammar and description some more and you'll be on task.
[/quote]

Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 7:43 am
by Kashluk
Fang_Teng wrote:General thoughts: I like the use of gene pool as a way to define the characters, it's pretty much one of the first times I've seen it used in a fan fic. I like the Fernandez charactaers Miguel and Antonio and feel they were strongly defined.

I think we need to see more of Jeff, his responses and such. You establish that he likes order by his action of organizing the cart and disgust at the chaos at the Den. You could drive the point home some more by adding some more description in that sense.

All in all, it's a good action story of small town people on an adventure. You captured some elements of it very well. You just need to organize your grammar and description some more and you'll be on task.
Yeah, I'm horrible when it comes to the finer points of English language... That's why I've never even tried writing a Fan Fic before :) I like writing, but playing with the words is much harder in English than in Finnish!

Some things just are universal, like describing characters: no matter how wrong you spell the words, the message will be understandable. That's why I tried to add as much spice to the different families and create clear differences between them, so the reader wouldn't get confused in the huge crowd!

Anyways, you're going to see some more "Followerish" action in the future, as soon as I get to work and finish chapter IV.

Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 5:11 pm
by Som Guy
Quote:
The ground would've not grown crops that well if the owners hadn't scavenged (again) fertilizers from the nearby ruins


I think it's kinda dumb of me to point out mistakes and yet not know what's exactly wrong. In this insteance 'that well' sounds awkward, so maybe some rewording would help.
'that' should be replaced with 'as' because you are comparing the results of the plants growth to how it would have grown without fertilizer.
2) I don't think people in the Fallout world would know what an Ox was.
The story is told in third-person so the narrator dosen't have to live in the Fallout world.

Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 5:37 pm
by Kashluk
My dear defender :)

Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2003 3:41 am
by Bloodgeon11
Is springfield in California? I thought that was Illinois.

Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2003 3:46 am
by Som Guy
Springfield resides in many diffrent states. Thus the reason no one knows what state the Simpsons are supposed to live in.

Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2003 5:35 am
by Kashluk
Yes, ONE Springfield does indeed lie in California. I'm not sure if it's even big enough to be on the map, but it sure is a town.

And the continuation for my story won't be added just yet... Please, be patient.

Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2003 7:28 am
by axelgreese
Som Guy wrote:Springfield resides in many diffrent states. Thus the reason no one knows what state the Simpsons are supposed to live in.
And west springfield is like 7 times the size of texas doesn't help pin it down either.