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avenger69ie
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For your consideration

Post by avenger69ie »

Maybe it's the wrong forum, but you guys might like it,

direct any critisism or praise this way :)


..........................................................

When I was a child I thought of battles and war as glorious things,
where men fought and died honourably, with great courage
and sacrifice against an evil enemy. The usual stuff that kids
are brought up to believe through song and story.

Maybe that's why I always wanted to be in the army: to be a good man.

Today I stand with a thousand souls, as ready as I can be to take
as many lives before my own is taken. Typical of the bastard to put
us paupers on the front lines, should never have expected anything
better than being expendable.

The first of the pawns onto his majesty's chessboard of carnage.

The pipers are playing, and the emmisaries have already returned
to each side with the decision to proceed.
Behind us are a group of archers, behind them are the pikemen,
and behind the pikemen the cavalry. Cowards.

All we have is a short sword, a small wooden shield and our fighting spirit.
We'll be lucky to last two minutes.
But one thing is for sure, every man in these ranks will fight
for his life today, and likely lose it.

The order is given to march.

The mantra of leather and steel shuffling through the foggy dew.
The footsteps and heartbeats in unison.

I'm nervous, this is my first battle.
I can feel sweat on my brow and down my back. Yet I feel
comforted in some way, knowing I'll die on Irish soil with my Irish brothers.

The pipers have fallen back to play to the pikemen and archers.
The archers take aim.

The celtic warpaint hides the fear on my face.
I can see the enemy clearly now, they can see me.
We are running now.
Someone shouts to stick close to each other.
All at once we raise our battle cries and steel to the heavens,
as a salvo of arrows streaks across the grey morning and into the enemy ranks.

I see men falling and getting trampled upon. The arrows that
didn't kill them felled them under the feet of their comrades.

The battle cries are deafening, they are closer now.
We slow to a trot as the two merge, they come thick and fast.
The battle, the glorious fight of good versus evil is here
and it is neither good nor glorious, it is bloody and terrible.

Left and right we are falling to our deaths under the enemy's
steel and arrow shafts, it is inevitable.
My arms are growing tired and I feel weak, the mud and the
blood of the slain is slowing us all down.

I am close to giving up.

I am struck down.
My last thoughts are drowned with pain.
I lie in the mud with my fallen brethren,
looking past the battle towards the heavens
through the fog of death.


** thanks to cloud for the input**
Last edited by avenger69ie on Sat Mar 20, 2004 11:03 am, edited 6 times in total.
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CloudNineGT
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Post by CloudNineGT »

Very nice, I really felt the lines following "When i was i child i thought of battles and war as glorious things" I remember being so disilusioned the first time I saw real modern war pictures. Not so glorious, much more fighting for your life.
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Post by avenger69ie »

Thanks Cloud :) am glad you liked at least that part of it heheh :) am still editing it with some help for grammatical errors spelling etc..
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Post by CloudNineGT »

I enjoyed the entire thing, here it is with some spelling and capitalization changes:

When I was I child I thought of battles and war as glorious things,
where men fought and died honorably, with great courage and sacrifice against an evil enemy.
The usual stuff that kids are brought to believe through song and story.
Maybe thats why i always wanted to be in the army, to be a good man.

Today, here I stand with a thousand souls, as ready as I can be to take as many lives before my own is taken.
Typical of the bastard to put us paupers on the front lines,
I should never have expected anything better than being expendable.

The first of the pawns onto his majesties chessboard of carnage.

The pipers are playing, and the emissaries have already returned to each side with the decision to proceed.
behind us are a group of archers, behind them are the pikemen, and behind the pikemen the cavalry. Cowards.

All we have is a short sword a small wooden shield and our fighting spirit.
We'll be lucky to last two minutes.
But one thing is for sure, every man in these ranks will fight for his life today,
and likely loose it.

The order is given to march.

The mantra of leather and steel shuffling through the foggy dew.
The footsteps and heartbeats in unison.

I'm nervous, this is my first battle.
I can feel sweat on my brow and down my back. Yet I feel comforted in some way, knowing I'll die on Irish soil with my Irish brothers.

The pipers have fallen back to play to the pikemen and archers. The archers take aim.

The Celtic war paint hides the fear on my face. I can see the enemy clearly now, they can see me.
We are running now.
Someone shouts to stick close to each other.
All at once we raise our battle cries and steel to the heavens, as a salvo of arrows streaks across the grey morning and into the enemy ranks.

I see men falling and getting trampled upon. The arrows that didn't kill them felled them under the feet of their comrades.

The battle cries are deafening, they are closer now.
We slow to a trot as the two merge, they come thick and fast
The battle, the glorious fight of good versus evil is here and it is neither good nor glorious, it is bloody and terrible.

Left and right we are falling to our deaths under the enemy's steel and arrow shafts, it is inevitable.
My arms are growing tired and I feel weak, the mud and the blood of the slain is slowing us all down.
i am close to giving up.

I am struck down.
My last thoughts are drowned with pain.
I lie in the mud with my fallen brethren, looking past the battle towards the heavens through the fog of death.
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avenger69ie
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Post by avenger69ie »

Cloud, i've re-edited the original with your corrections and some of my own, also the actual structure of the sentances are a little different now. Thanks a million mate :)
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Post by NigglingDoubt »

I quite liked this. Interesting angle on a topic with great potential.
Found the opening paragraphs especially to carry notable pathos.

Woo hoo: 1 post and counting :pelvic_thrust:
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Post by jetbaby »

If I were a teacher you'd get an A+. But I'm not. So I'll suffice to say "Damn fine job."
off topic? OMG YOU'VE BEEN CENSORED... yet you're still posting. MYSTARY!!!!

Duck and Cover: THE site for all your Fallout needs
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avenger69ie
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Post by avenger69ie »

nigglingdoubt and jetbaby, thanks for your comments :) whey hey heheh :dance:
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Post by Forty-six & Two »

Pretty cool text piece, good point and all... I just have a hard time making it work for me, you know, the whole modern word and sentence handling grouped with the fact that this is a mediveal warrior´s mind. I would much rather have the same pictures of war from a world war soldier. Very well written though.
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Post by avenger69ie »

yeah the modern word was a strange idea, but i wanted it to reflect his thoughts in a modern way, you know like instead of Ye olde worlde type (which i know very little about) i had thought about a second world war version of it and a 1916 rising version, but the medieval one had more appeal to me on account of it being non biased against any particular people bar irish high kings and chieftains.
A ww2 one could have offended both british and german people while the 1916 one would definetly have offended british people. But Thanks for the compliment, it is very much appreciated forty-six and two :)
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