Not meant to be offensive: My experience with shaven asshair

THE_GREAT_GAUSS · Post by **THE_GREAT_GAUSS** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 10:52 pm

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:13 pm

Nice plagiarism, dumbass.

http://www.dirtyremarks.com/editorials/ ... _main.html

http://www.essaycrawler.com/viewpaper/35634.html

http://www.thousandsofessays.com/free_essays/35634.html

Stainless · Post by **Stainless** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:28 pm

pwned

EvoG · Post by **EvoG** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:47 pm

More importantly than plagiarism, I fucking laughed my ass off. Bravo to whomever.

Cheers

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:51 pm

It is indeed funny, but stealing someoneÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s work is not.

EvoG · Post by **EvoG** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:00 am

Of course not!

...just meant that to me...it was most important that I laughed...

Cheers bro

Jimmyjay86 · Post by **Jimmyjay86** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:38 am

Not to mention any asshole who knows how to take care of his asshole should realize that taking a shower to clean the region more than once a month is a good way to get dates.

Funny reading nonetheless........

POOPERSCOOPER · Post by **POOPERSCOOPER** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 1:04 am

I was actually thinking of shaving my butt hair months ago too, good thing I didnt.

SuperH · Post by **SuperH** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 3:24 am

That story is bullshit, it's got too many plotholes. How do you shave your own ass clean without shredding yourself? I don't get it.

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 3:33 am

I've done it. Not that hard at all. Its easier than shaving your face.

Oh, and it wasnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t nearly that bad. In fact, I recommend it.

SuperH · Post by **SuperH** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 4:23 am

Do you use a mirror? Or have a friend help? I still don't get it.

I personally would not trust myself with a razor near my anus.

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 7:26 am

All you need to do is sit down (in the shower is easiest) and lift up your nuts. Look its your ass. Shave carefully.

THE_GREAT_GAUSS · Post by **THE_GREAT_GAUSS** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 7:51 am

fucking sherlock holmes there CLOUDNINEGT
DID U KNOW HIS NAME IS PLAGIARIZED!?!?!

i wasnt trying to gain fame or anything from posting this, i just wanted to make sum peeps laugh. i bet u felt real smart and proud when u googled a sentence of it. bitch please

airsoft guy · Post by **airsoft guy** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 10:57 am

Maybe you should have come up with something on your own if you wanted to make people laugh. The people here have nothing better to do than go out and search for the little nuances in people's posts It wouldn't have been so bad if you gave credit to the original. Wanting to be funny is no excuse for stealing.

If you can't come up with your own shit then maybe you aren't supposed to be funny?

Oh, and please, for the love of Jesus on a zamboni, learn how to use English. It hurts the brain when people try and read that bullshit.

S4ur0n27 · Post by **S4ur0n27** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:48 pm

I recommand a ban.

On the matter : I wouldn't shave either my ass or my nuts.

What after 30 years? If you stop shaving you'll get a friggin bush.

Nicolai · Post by **Nicolai** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 2:16 pm

Heh, now that's one thing that I'm never going to do.

jiujitsu · Post by **jiujitsu** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 2:26 pm

that was awesome.

CloudNineGT · Post by **CloudNineGT** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 5:35 pm

Like it was really that hard to figure out you didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t write it. Your too fucking stupid to string that many words together, let alone have them result in something funny. If you were looking to make people laugh, then how about you donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t be a cock and steal someone elseÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s writing? Simply saying "hey look at this" would have sufficed, but you wanted the approval of the community for being a funny guy so you stole it and posted it.

Start backpedaling and donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t be a cock when you're caught red handed.

atoga · Post by **atoga** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:42 pm

Hairy and proud, or something. The mere thought of letting a straight razor near my favorite sphincter makes my stomach churn.

Kashluk · Post by **Kashluk** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:44 pm

Never really thought about it. I don't have trouble with it, so I leave it be. I like hairs, anyhow. As long as their curly and manly (?!), not long and always ending up in my dinner plate.